Dana, this is brilliant!
You sure know how to use a nail gun. Only a few years separate our near-identical lives. It does seem like a holding pattern, doesn't it? Sometimes I think I'm going to CRACK for keeping it together for all these years. And I agree the crossdressing doesn't help, it just makes it worse.
Funny... I just told a very dear friend today that I'm happy being transfeminine and not necessarily transgender. I may be wrong about that. I too should probably talk with someone.
Would it be weird to say this is joyfully painful??
Hugs, Barb
@Travis
Why?
Frankly speaking cross dressing does not equate to being transgender (in spite of what gender criticals and media may tell you).
The realities of being transgender are pretty horrific to be honest, particularly in the current cultural & political climates.
This isn't something you undertake on a whim.
I'm not meaning to sound harsh, but even posing the question indicates that you very likely need to step back and look hard at the realities.
Transitioning typically isn't a choice, it's the only remaining survival option, with the full understanding and cold hard clarity of the devastation this will rain down on you, your family, friends and career.
My take on this is cross dressing is a way of expression, wearing clothes to suite a way of life, I am a trans-female (male to female) my entire life has changed with that. Right now I dont really wear women's clothes because I don't have that confidence yet and I still just like wearing what I normally do. For crossdressing it is a totally different lifestyle altogether. You can be a crossdressing male or female and have no interest in being transgender and there is nothing wrong with that but with being transgender that is a life altering choice for either gender which takes a long time and dedication. Now you can be transgender by name although that is not really being transgender. I would say be comfortable being who you are and walk the path you want to in life that makes you ...you.
i am 60 years old and I grew up at a time where gay, drag, crossdressing wasn’t socially acceptable and you could get beat up in school for any of it. I always knew I was different and I just didn’t fit in with the guys and I felt more comfortable with the girls. I tried to be masculine and I even lifted weights to bulk up but my body wasn’t built like that. I come from a large Catholic conservative family and they were not supporters of gay lifestyles as most families were not. Now I’m married and have a child and they have no idea I am a closet crossdresser, I know my wife would leave me in a heartbeat if she ever found out. If things were different, if I had a more liberal family, maybe if I had not married, if I was younger and it had been more socially accessible, I think I would have gone transgender and had the surgeries to make the transition, I think I would have been very happy other than the social roadblocks and obstacles along the way. I will always support and applaud anyone who chooses to do so, it takes a lot of courage.
I spent the first five decades of my life trying to convince myself that I was “just a cross dresser” and could limit myself to stockings and panties, and think of this as simply a kink. I knew from a very early age that I was somehow noticeably different in my behavior from my male siblings. I learned to hide it. I knew that from early childhood on I had an attraction towards all things feminine (and a great fear that others would notice).
I managed to deceive myself tor a long long time that it was just an attraction to the clothes. Deep inside, I always wanted more, but I felt my body was too tall and masculine and, even more than that, I feared that if I ever gave into the temptation to dress fully as a woman, I would be drawn inexorably towards transition.
In some respects, my fears have been realized. I did finally did give into that temptation and allowed myself to try dressing completely. I liked the experience and sure enough, I wanted much more. Within a few weeks, I had my own makeup, breast forms, a new wig and the beginnings of my own wardrobe. And within a few weeks more, I was venturing out into the real world…as a woman.
By this time, I stopped thinking of myself as a cross dresser, and began to embrace the idea that I was transgender. Looking back on this life, I have come to recognize that cross dressing is something a few people do, and some of those people dress for fun or sexual pleasure. And some people like me, cross dress because it makes their outsides match more completely to their insides.
Barb, thank you for the kind words! If I "nailed" it, it must have been a moment of fleeting inspiration. 🙂 Sometimes you just have strike while the iron is hot, as they say. (I'd really like to meet "they" some day - "they" seem to have so many brilliant sayings attributed to them.)
Looking back, I sometimes wish I had had the courage to pursue my feminine dream way back in my younger days, damn the consequences. But then I think of what those "consequences" might have been in those less accepting times, and I realize that my life, as it has been, has had a number of rewards along the way which help salve the internal anguish. And had I gone a different way, there'd be 2 great kids who would not have been born. So I try to be content with the fact that I can transition now, whilst I still a few years (knock on wood) to let "her" have her way. (And it IS "her" now, because today I got a court decree changing my name AND making me legally "female." Wheeeeeee!!!!!
In closing, I'll confess I could use some education on what distinguishes "trans-feminine" from "transvestite" or "transgender"? Is it something to do with how you dress? Or is it "guy who knows he's a guy, but just likes feminine things"? So labels floating around out there, and sometimes the lines between them seem (to me) to blurr.
Welcome to the legal girl sisterhood Dana! 🙂 I got my legal 'F' two months ago
Big hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
Hi Dana!
Congrats on the name change!
"Transfeminine" is a term coined by Jane Nance in 1985 to best describe her feminine feelings as an AMAB. She felt much more than just a transvestite (crossdresser), but didn't feel the need to surgically transition into a transsexual (transwoman) in order to feel feminine and female.
For some, surgery is the only option to calm their gender dysphoria. For transfems, social and sometimes medical transitioning is enough to experience our true female selves.
My transfeminine identity is a compromise that my wife is willing to accept. In fact, after a while, she realized that Barb is perfectly harmless and isn't all that different than That Guy she married! My vibrant and maternal personality is still intact and gets even more intense when I'm Barb.
Thankfully, I'm part of a loving and accepting trans/lgbtqa+ community here at home. I also have tremendous friends in the U.S. too, so I stay as Barb more often than not. I keep my hair long, wear mascara and lipstick every day and have HRT enhanced boobs that would get me arrested if I walked topless on a pubic beach.
Someone smarter than me said that being transgender isn't a choice, but what we do with it is. So very true!
Here's where it all started. It starts on page 31.
https://archive.org/details/tvtstapestry47unse/page/30/mode/2up
BIG HUG!!
Barb :)
