I really wasn't going to write about this. But my heart hurts terribly and my mind is only half functioning at this point. It's been a few months and my wife is still struggling mightily. I knew she would - it's the nature of her and it's the nature of what our relationship has been. 30 years of marriage. 30 wonderful, incredible years. We had a conversation tonight. She cried. She's been doing that a lot. I think I can count on one hand the number of times she has cried in the course of our marriage other than tears of joy. It's really just not her nature. She has expressed that she loves me so deeply and I know this is contributing to the pain and sorrow she is experiencing and the tears that she is shedding. In all out marriage I've never seen her like this. And we have shared the most intimate things at times.
She is a very strong woman but I fear at this point she is close to broken. To make matters worse we are about 500 miles apart, she in North Carolina and I in Florida. I moved down to Florida for a while to be with my aging parents who need somebody to be with them most of the time. She said she just can't take having me around and it was good that we were apart. She just couldn't stand living with Abby.
She says she does not want to leave me. Right now things are the way they are. I feel like that by coming out to her I've done terrible terrible damage to a woman who does not deserve such things, to a woman who ought to be on a pedestal.
I am breaking at the sight of her crying. We FaceTime. I am breaking bad to worse that she expresses the things she says because along with the tears I see how deeply deeply close to broken she is. And to think that I have afflicted that pain on her by coming out is breaking me something awful. It is almost unbearable. I too am a strong woman but to see loved ones in pain and think that I had anything to do with it is almost more than I can bear. It is so against my nature to do that. The pain it is inflicting on me in this moment I wish would go away. I don't know what to do. I try to be supportive toward her to listen and make sure she understands that I care, that I am so sad inside when I see her like that. Not that she shouldn't be, just that I cry inside. Unfortunately, having been raised as a man I have no tears to give. I wish I did. I wish I could just cry and cry and cry until I've made a river with my tears. The catharsis from that would do me some kind of good I'm sure. It would give me some kind of relief. I really just wish I could cry. I'm crying inside. I'm almost dying inside. What did I do? what do I do? 😭
Abby, irrespective of what you did, or how this all plays out, to do what you did took a mountains of guts. There is probably no easy fix for what you two are going through. Though I do think that some counseling might help; for either of you, or both of you. My best wishes for you and your wife going forward. Michelle
Thank you Michelle. I've had a counselor for several months now.
Hi Abby, we are all saddened by what has happened. I revealed my femme side to my iwfe of 40 years last July. We are still in the same place, but she doesn't feel like she wants to get to know Brielle except as a roommate. It will be like starting over, except Brielle will be trying to date her and not her husband.
I hope we both can find a way to reach our wives. I know the pain of separation, evn if it isn't physical. My heart breaks for you since not only are you struggling with your wife, but dealing with your parents' care as well. Know that you needed to come out to your wife for your own health and sanity. I've had second thoughts many times these last few months, but it's better to be honest with someone than to decieve them with what you think they want to see. It's incredibly hard, but she must know that this is vital to your person and you wouldn't do this on a whim.
I hope you can work things out and forge a new relationship with your wife - as I do with mine!
Hugs,
Brielle
Hi Abby. I can relate to you situation. For 19 years I had a wife who knew and understood and participated in my being Elayne . I lost her to cancer in 1999. From 1999 to 2012 I lived alone dressed and had my femme time. My two daughters never knew and still don't know . I was living in Reno NV then alone in an apartment. I actually tried to transition but had a bad reaction to the HRT. and had to stop. Im 2012 I was in a violent car crash . 8 moths of rehab. during that time I met a wonderful woman who helped me with my rehab. Moved in with my and we married in 2016. She does not know. and I wont tell her because of the exact same thing your having a problem with. .
The stats are against you. Sad to say but true. Of all the CD. TV s i have knows very very few who tell their wives have a successful relation ship afterwards. Women are challenged by other women in their lives and more so when the woman is the man they love. They go through What did I do wrong to cause this or can't O h my GOD why Me . among other things. Embarasment of being out in public with you HUSBAND !! who is now a WOMAN !! While we have progressed in the LBGT Community it still Stigma TO MANY who believe in traditional man and wife. If you fell that your a complete woman then my suggestion is to end things. Dont try to change things in you wife's eyes .. because you can't!! The other option is to compromise . When you can dress, where you can dress, . Being a man when you are with her and other times the woman that is inside you . You may not be able to live like that but that may be how you have to do it. . Gender ident Council ing may be able to assist you also but it cost money to do so. You made a decision to marry her being a MAN . that agreement is broker because their is another women in you relationship YOU. You are behind the 8 ball and between a rock and a hard place. But you will have to make a decision... Come to a compromise or move on with out her.. Sorry but that is the harsh reality of the situation. Wish you good luck
Elayne Edwards
Abby, I feel your pain. My spouse and I have felt many of the same emotions as you and yours. Our relationship was faltering and it finally got to the point that coming out was more important to my mental health than continuing a dysfunctional marriage. It wasn't courage, it was desperation. To my astonishment, she did not reject me and we began a long, hard, and painful journey to a new relationship. She is an incredibly strong woman! Our love has so far proved stronger than her loss of her husband. Our relationship is still a work in progress, but I am very, very hopeful that we will make it. It's not the same relationship, but in many ways it is better because I am able to be fully honest about everything now.
Hang in there. Couples counseling is very important in addition to individual counseling for both of you.
Thank you for such encouraging words Diedra. They are so good to read. ❤️🙆♀️
When I opened up to a friend recently and admitted that it was an aspect of life that has almost exclusively has been private, she reacted with surprise, saying “but it’s you!” Yes it is. As I listened to my girl-friend I couldn’t help but notice that along with the tacit acceptance came confusion about the wall behind which I sought refuge. I think few understand the social calculus we must become so proficient in. And the danger to the lives we’ve built that can pose. If only we lived in a world that understood how vital to us the need to align our inner selves with the image we see in the mirror is. Aside from the occasional dress up play, most of my girlfriends had no idea. My now ex wife could never ever know. I have a cis female partner who says she accepts that aspect of me. It breaks my heart to read stories as this. Life is the greatest gift we all have, why shouldn’t we live it as who we are?
