Freedom or not

Hi Haile
<p style="text-align: center;">I can relate so much to your story. I am in the same position only I'm nearly 49. All my life, I've been desperately unhappy being forced to live the male life that my parents and society expected. It was bad enough hating sports and being seen as "clever" where I grew up so there's no way I'd ever have been able to come out as trans.</p>
I am 4 years in, been living totally as a woman since Feb 2017 and honestly, it's the best decision I could make. I'm no longer shouldering this burden, having to hide my true identity or wear male clothing. The difference coming out as Melanie has made is unbelievable: I am much more chatty, empathic, calmer and less anxious than I ever remember being. I can cry! Actually feel emotions instead of bottling them up. Strange to say, my senses of smell and taste are coming back. Weird and I can't explain it. I lost both in 1994 after a horrific brain injury, having fits for 3 years and blackouts for 6 months.

My brain has rewired itself but remains female as it always has been. My life has changed for the better in so many ways, more than I can describe. I love looking at my wardrobe ( and floordrobe!) each morning and deciding what to wear. I usually go for a skirt and top combination with either tights or stockings.

At the time of writing, I've only knowingly lost one "friend" who couldn't cope with me transitioning. My mum is still taking her sweet time deciding whether to accept her new daughter (the rest of my family have). I have a new circle of amazing, loving, supportive and just all-round brilliant friends, to whom I'm " one of the girls". It's all I could ever ask for.

Thank you Melanie, it was great to see a reply especially from someone who understands what I am dealing with. I have been trying to reply all morning but keep crying because it feels so nice to talk with someone who understands. I am still working on my wardrobe and trying to get my makeup right (right now I feel like I look like a fat version of Buffalo Bill) so I don't go out much not that I ever did anyway I mean from time to time I will cowgirl up and put on some eyeliner and eyeshadow when I go out and be one of those people who wear sunglasses inside.

Like you, I never understood the appeal of sports, especially pro sports I mean a bunch of adults playing a game but also grabbing and slapping each other in ways that are not normally socially acceptable, just come out already. (Hey that's kinda funny coming from someone who still has a death grip on the closet door jam I know)

I am still at the point where somedays I wake up and think Oh my Goddess what have I done why didn't I keep my damn mouth shut, and then others I get to feel free and can openly watch Hugh Grant movies.  There are the days when I just want to rip it off like a bandaid and go all out but the fear takes over and I slink back to my computer and video games.

Also, I forgot to say in the beginning I have Dyslexia and spellchecker and I do not always agree on what I am trying to type so forgive me if there are some spelling errors or words used incorrectly Grammarly can't tell if I am trying to say does or dose sometimes.

Thank you for this.  I am 37 and only recently out, to a very few people.  I love hearing stories of others doing the same.  Trials and tribulations, and experiments.  Isn't that what life is about?

<p style="text-align: left;">Personally I always hope life is about having as much fun as possible and killing as many zombies as you can (okay yes I am a nerdy gamer girl)</p>
 

But I understand Ronni coming out is so hard and it is for me at least a fight to stay out. I was so unhappy I just have that inner voice that makes it hard. I've always tried to be understanding and excpting of others but extremely critical of myself and I have a tendancy to get trapped in my own head

Halie:

When people come out, which is true for gay folks also, it draws a line in the sand. For some relatives, friends and co-workers what it means that your value is overridden by their prejudice. To me, that suggests that they were not really "with" you in the larger sense. I can only think that it is a good thing to find this out sooner rather than later as those folks will likely be a drain on you emotionally.

For those who remain close to you says that, while they may not really understand the concept of being transgender, they are least have the sense that they want you to do what is best for you and that they value your well being. This doesn't mean that the people who choose to distance themselves are bad people, but they have allowed their prejudice to go unchecked.

I suspect that MANY of us get misgendered. It is just a fact of life. However, it does represent a decision point for you: let it go or respond in some way. For my part, I flip back and forth. Sometimes I respond and sometimes I don't. Depends om how much energy I wish to invest. However, what I've hit upon is a pretty low key response. I'll look directly at someone and say "Really?" or I'll do a jerk and grunt. I don't verbally respond beyond what I've said and usually that is enough to get someone thinking and let them know that what they said was not my expectation.

A couple of years ago my car club toured the Nethercutt Collection, a classic car museum in Sylmar, CA. It was founded by Jack Nethercutt who, along with his aunt Merle Nethercutt Norman, founded Merle Norman Cosmetics. Afterwards we met at a nearby restaurant for lunch. When I went to pay my bill, the young woman who was the cashier addressed me as Sir. I looked at her and did the "Really" number. She corrected herself and apologized profusely. She was so rattled that she had to add up my bill at least 3 times!?!? As I walked out I thought "Perhaps I made an impression!". The thing is, while you can't control how you are perceived in the world, you can control your response to it.

So, I am glad that you are here and I hope that it will be useful for your journey. Thanks for working on your Profile page. It provides a continuing sense of who you are and what is happening. Eventually all threads will sink to the bottom of the pile, but your Profile page will always be readily accessible and you can update it at any time as you see fit.

Also, if you want to search for other members in the Fort Worth area, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.

Thank you. I hope to get to a place where I can just say Really but my Irish temper seems to have a direct link to my mouth.

As for the people well like I said I know I am better off but the pain is still there. I am still the same person who sat up all night waiting to hear you were okay when I knew you were going to be in harm's way. I am still the same person who doesn't care what your religion is what political party you belong to, as long as you don't get behind the wheel after drinking, the sex you have is consensual, and as long as you are not into kids in that uncle-touchy way. I accept you for who you are why can you do the same for me.

I hope one day to have the confidence to be able to go out dressed the way I really want and not have to be going to RHPS or it be Halloween.

Also, DeeAnn thank you for telling me to look in social again last night I looked and I guess I only saw TX and not Texas and thought there was only one other person on this site here other than me but now I see there are quite a few more.  Yeah, my profile will probably keep changing for a while I never know what to put in them did I say too much did I say too little why the fuck am I so bat shit crazy and obsessed about getting it right.

Hi Halie,
Welcome to our wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and yourself.
My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.
Feel free to ask questions and we certanly love to hear your experiances and life’s knowledge as well.
Enjoy the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
Thank you for joining our community
Terri Anne