hello and introduction

Hi Chloe. Welcome to TGH. I am glad you have decided to join these beautiful and understanding community.

I've experienced and felt much of what you describe in your presentation. There must be many of us. We're here to support each other and share opinions and experiences.

Gisela

Hi Chloe,

One thing for certain, you are not alone.  It seems like no matter where we are, except within the Southeastern Asian world, we all experience the same fears, shame and anxiety.  As you read the stories of others, most of us who have known about our feminine side since very early, they're all so similar.  We're "different", something just doesn't fit right, but we very quickly become aware that these feelings, for some reason not understood by us, still not understood, are for some reason unacceptable.  We're labeled, bullied, very quickly learn to hide, "in the closet", although we didn't know what that was,  we just knew we had to hide.  We tried to ignore her, deny her, curse her, wish she would just die and leave us alone, but she's always there.  We fail to form close relationships, become introverts, afraid if someone gets to know us too well they will discover our secret, a secret so deep we even hide it from our wives and best friends.  In order to survive we're forced to live "normal" lives, relationships and jobs depend on it, so we become VERY good at living a lie, the face we keep in the jar by the door.  We sneak in stolen moments when we can open the closet door, even if for just a short time, then slam it shut again.  We buy pretty things, panic, purge, over and over, thinking that one day, wishing, that one day, we will be able to set that inner woman free.  In most cases, she never is, the fear, programmed shame, repression, keep her forever in the closet,and she dies in the dark along with our false lives, never knowing freedom.  Oh, I've been there, and since I've come out now I've gotten to know many others at various stages along their journey.  It took me a very long time, and a complete change in my life, for me to finally set Jennifer free.  An entire lifetime, military, family, jobs, hiding very well, until cancer.  Colon, liver, both lungs, the situation did not look promising, suddenly there may not be a "some day" any more.  Time to think, reflect, those things we wish we would have done, should have said, and I realized that one of the things I regretted the most was never actually being ME.  Fear of people knowing about Jennifer was greater than the fear of death itself in Vietnam.  As is obvious, as the surgeon who removed half my lungs said, "Gods not done with you yet", and here I am. Then, 4 months after my last chemo, my wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and I retired to care for her.  Eventually, widowed, retired, there were no longer any restraints, no need to hide, and I came out.  A little at a time, step by step, as my confidence grew, until I became full time.  Fortunately, my close friends didn't care, and they are still friends today.  Some acquaintances did drift away, but I don't miss them.  My brothers and sisters don't care, at our age, now the bleeding edge since all above us are gone, all we care about is that we're still alive and happy.  

  I definitely understand the anti-trans attitudes, although I'm surprised it's no better over there than it is here in the deep bible-belt South Carolina.   I was fortunate, while I was more a cross dresser than a trans, once I started going to an alternative bar, to meet a very pretty, confident trans woman who, although under half my age,  became friends, and she helped me move from the safe out of the bar to OUT out.  Scary as it was, we went to an upscale restaurant for dinner, and it all went very well.  We started going out to dinner every week, nice places, then shopping downtown, to the movies, and it always went well.  I found that my fears were all my own, barriers to my own growth.  In many cases, as we ventured into places that had never had trans people come thru the door before, others were more nervous than we were, having never experienced meeting a real transgender face to face before they really don't know what to say.  Some 2nd looks, oh definitely, but that's to be expected, we have to allow others to become accustomed to seeing us same as we have to become to going out.   Most times, curiosity takes over, and particularly women will start to chat.  Men still have more hang ups and it takes longer.  Now, I love it.  I love dressing up and going out, even grocery shopping, I feel good, I feel free, I feel happy.  People like happy people and respond positively.  Many times I'm the only trans person there, it doesn't bother me any more, I don't even think about it.   

   I guess, after much rambling, the moral of the story is, our fears are programmed into us by society, and are all our own.  Only we will determine whether that woman we're locking away will ever feel the sun on her face or die in the dark closet.  Only we can weigh the benefits and risks, and decide whether we are willing to take them.  Is the dysphoria, depression, fears, shame, hiding, a price we're willing to pay to maintain our current lifestyle?  Is this how we really want, need, to live?   Are we happy?   Reaching out and finding a friend to who will walk the path with us, even if only for awhile, is a major bonus.  Sites like this help, and let us know about gatherings.  Fear is not as frightening when it's shared.  We worry too much about how we look, being this so called imaginary "passable".  Bullshit, most women are not Barbie dolls, as I walk around Walmart and see others, hey, I don't feel bad at all, I'm usually the best dressed, and as long as I'm looking the best I can, I'm happy.  We're way too hard on ourselves, so I'm not a woman, never will be, 1000 years from now if someone digs up my bones and tests them, there it is, that Y chromosome.  I'm a transgender, so what's the big deal, don't I have just as much right to be me as any man or woman is to be them?  Why shouldn't I love dressing pretty, love dresses and skirts, stockings and garters, oh those gorgeous stiletto heels than have that distinctive click as I walk.  So, welcome to the group Chloe,  I'm sure you'll find a comfortable home here.  We only have one life, one shot, tomorrow is never guaranteed, this body comes with only a lifetime guarantee.  Truly, God was not done with me yet, why I don't know.  Maybe it was for this, the make this journey and help those younger ones I've now met along the way to face their fears, as I have been helped.   Maybe your current feelings are God working within you, telling you something about your life.  Another chance, another life?   In the end, it comes down to those 4 letter "F"  words, "Fear" or "Free".  Being transgender is NOT some kind of sin or evil thing, it is who we are, who we are created to be.  I am NOT a mistake.  Only we can decide, our journey is ours.  You're not alone.  Yo0u are loved. 

Hugs,

Jennifer

@mustangtoni @mainesailor @firefly @jenniferr 

Thank you all for the warm welcome. It is a journey and one which I have been so close to taking the first step on for so many years

If you look back on my life you could say that the signs were there

I remember asking my mother why I couldn't go to school as a girl when I was in primary school, admired how an outfit looked on a women when others around me were more interested in her body, I tend to play female characters in games, I've had faceless female orientated social media profiles for my personal views in addition to the male ones I used for professional purposes, I always had more female friends than male ones, I've been shaving my body for years and I'm sure there are a number of other flags that I've not thought about

It all adds up and kind of feels like I've been low key revealing parts of my true self without putting them all together 

I've always had my insecurities about myself and I think belief in myself is what held me back in my younger years

Now it's family and work. My wife suffers from severe depression and anxiety and I know coming out will turn her world upside down but I also know I will have to face who I really am sooner rather than later

It's good to know that I am not alone being in this situation and that there are others here who are either currently going through or have been through a similar situation

Hugs

Chloe