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Hello from Phoenix

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Posts: 5
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(@adamtoeve)
Active Member     United States of America, Arizona, Phoenix
Joined: 3 months ago

Hi everyone.  Natural born male in the questioning phase of this journey, I suppose.  My therapist recommended I join a forum and support group to connect with others who may have been struggling with the same things I have.  To be honest I have been suppressing the feelings of wanting to be a woman my entire life.  As a child I would remember praying every night that I would wake up as the person I felt I was.  I eventually fell into the practice of living my life for others expectations and just pushed the feelings deep down to where they were numb.  I rationalized with myself that I can only play the hand I was dealt at birth so I may as well play it as best I can.  I don't think that way of thinking is really working for me now.  I'm afraid I've just been existing and not really living by numbing this part of me for 37 years.  The hurdles I have now though are that I am married with a young child.  I love my wife and if I were to go down this path I'm sure the relationship would end.  I come from a divorced household that has, and still is, impacting me in negative ways and I don't want that for my son.  I also feel like I'd be robbing my son of a "male figure" in his life if I were to embrace these feelings.  On top of all that a part of me (probably the rationalizing part of my brain) feels it's too late for me.  My hormones are set, I have male pattern baldness, wide shoulders, big feet, hands and a blocky body frame.  When I look in the mirror I don't see any trace of the person I feel like on the inside.  Anyway, sorry for the rambling.  It's nice to just share these feelings if anything.  I'm hoping to find some friends who are experiencing similar things or people I can open up to about this side of myself.  

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5 Replies
Posts: 99
Member
(@charlenev)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Joined: 3 years ago

Hi Aria,

You have a lovely name. So glad you found your way here and have joined our little group of like minded souls. You are not rambling. You are telling your story and we are listening.

Most of us, or at least I myself could tell your story as our own. Suppression, regression, inner conflict, and perhaps some confusion, realization, self-acceptance and finally "now-what?." 

I won't rehash my story in this reply. My profile is complete and up to date if you care to know me better. I do understand where you are at in your journey. Ours is not an easy journey but it is doable. Hopefully as you get to know more of us you will learn, be encouraged and understand how to continue in your journey of trans womanhood.

Kindly,

Charlene.

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Posts: 27
(@lauren114)
Eminent Member     Belize, Belize
Joined: 4 months ago

I feel you sister.   Sometimes my life seems to be an ongoing battle between nature and my authentic feminine self.   Ultimately, there are days when I win and other days that I lose.   Overall, I place a high value on being my authentic self and feeling that way is very important for me.

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Posts: 199
Silver
(@miriyaparis)
Reputable Member     United States of America, Pennsylvania
Joined: 5 years ago

Number one, it is not too late for you.

Number two, you are 100% correct, trans in a marriage to a cis is generally a deal breaker.

Number three, depending on how good of an actor you are, you are not a perfect male role model anyway, kids see the signs far better than adults even if they can not put there little fingers on it. If they do not know the why they will make it up, just ask my kids how much my hiding my true self mess up a male role model for them.  Would have been far better if I just wore dresses around them and told the reasons.

 

Miriya

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Posts: 565
(@terria67)
Honorable Member     United States of America, California
Joined: 6 years ago

Hello Aria,

Welcome to our TransGender Heaven (TGH) site: A Transgender Support Site. We are a Wonderful, Accepting, Loving, Helpful Community where you can be safe and be yourself.

You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.

The Warmth, Compaasion and Hospitality of our community members can be found throughout the site.

My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.

Glad you are here. Looking forward to more sharing,
Terri Anne, Ambassador

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