Hello, I'm Havaya 🙂

Hello,

It's Havaya.

I already read several posts here, and it's nice to be around such lovely warm individuals. So, I thought I would write an introduction.

My first memory around gender was when I was in my bathroom at five years old, and thought to myself, something’s different. It's sort of bizarre, because at the time, I didn't know there was a difference between male and female genitalia. I wasn't particularly upset, or dysphoric, but I do remember thinking to myself that things used to be different.

During youth, my sister and I were quite close, and we did pretty much everything together, whether that was stereotypical masculine or feminine things. I didn't have a problem with being a boy, nor was I stereotypically feminine in my mannerisms; however,I did resonate more with my mother and sister, than I did with my brother and father. While I didn’t feel I was in the wrong body, whatever it was about my mother and sister, or my perception of the feminine in general, I liked it, and I wanted to be just like them.

All this changed when my sister and I were playing dress up, and when we decided to our paint nails, don swimsuits (my sister’s swimsuit), and go into my parents room and dance. My father laughed, but I distinctly remember concern in my mother’s eyes, perhaps because she was a psychiatrist, she could discern mere child’s play from something deeper about her son. In time, I grew to resent my sister, and didn’t like being around her at all. It wasn’t until therapy when I realized that I was jealous of that fact that she got to be a girl and I didn’t.

My crossdressing continued, until my father one day spanked me for doing so. That was the first time I felt as if I had done something wrong, and that boys shouldn’t wear “girls” clothes or do “girly” things.As a child, I wanted to do the right thing because I loved my parents, so this lead me to suppress my natural interest in femininity, and spend my time with my other interests, namely stereotypical boy hobbies (which I enjoyed and didn’t have a problem with).

What rekindled my desire was when I saw this beautiful woman at a swimming pool. I was maybe 10-12 at the time, and I thought she was a goddess. However, my attraction to her was pure admiration, similar to a celebrity idol or an inspiration, because I knew I wanted to look and be exactly like her when I grew up. I prayed quite often that I would wake up as beautiful and elegant as the woman from the pool, because I knew I wasn’t one - a woman.

High school through college was interesting, because while I had few crushes on women, they only slightly outnumbered the crushes I had on men. This terrified me, because growing up religious, same sex attraction was obviously unacceptable. My attraction for women, romantically that is, far exceeded than what I had toward men. This was yet another thing I suppressed as well.

I had been dealing with major depressive disorder since high school, and never understood why I was always depressed. This continued into law school where I became quite suicidal, but never reached out for help.

After law school, my interest in femininity (the aura, language, fashion, interpersonal relationships etc) took hold of me again, but the more I suppressed it the worse it became. I had come across the theory of autogynephilia, and was relieved that all I had was at most a kink and nothing more.

Several years went by, and by December 2020, I found myself thinking about wanting to become a woman all the time, and finally gave in to going out in public. I figured if I indulged this, then after the experience, it would go away. However, that night, after I returned home, I wept for what seemed an eternity. I had not ever felt so liberated and happy in my life, and didn’t know such feelings were possible.

I began seeing a therapist in January, and have made many queer friends who accept me for who I am, and are honestly just lovely people.

I’m resistant to the word transgendered, as it relates to my personal situation, primarily because I don’t feel like I am a woman. What do I feel is a strong admiration towards the feminine, and just like some boys want to become doctors, artists, firefighters etc, for whatever reason, I want to become a woman.

This was a difficult realization, but I’m happy I had it, because though I don’t plan on transitioning (medically/socially) for lifestyle reasons, being able to express my femininity, however often I choose has been life changing.