Hello everyone… just joined this site a few days ago, and would love to say “hi” and chat! I've left a few comments on other articles, but Paige suggested this was the right place to do a proper introduction, and share my story.
First, I'm a transgender woman. It's great to know that, and say that here, but I need the courage to say it in person. Here are some pics of the real me, the one that doesn’t hide behind a mask all day in fear…
https://transgenderheaven.com/members/sophiebourne/mediapress/wall-photo-gallery-6/
I've felt deep inside that I was that girl for as long as I can remember. However I am quite docile and obedient, and have always complied with society’s rules and the expectations of those around me. So I’ve felt constantly guilty, frightened and unable to show my true self.
Like so many ladies here, my life has been a long struggle to accept who I am, and decide what I must do about it. Looking back, it does seem like I've tried almost everything rather than just being Sophie and telling people.
It was about age 4 or 5 for me when I knew “something’s wrong”: that was the first time I was accidentally called a pretty girl and I liked it! It didn't happen much, since I had to wear thick glasses most of the time, and they rather destroyed my looks. Then I just had cascading confusion up to about age 10 or 11, when I also started to have sexual feelings and fantasies about being a woman, and having sex with a man. And then realised how difficult my life was going to be.
I grew up as a girly child starved of feminine things. My only sibling was an older brother, so I never got to try out girls' toys or clothes. My mum very rarely wore any dresses or skirts. I spent a lot of time up to age 9 playing with girls, which I preferred a lot to playing with boys. My ratio of girl friends to boy friends was about five to one, and my closest friends were girl neighbours who also went to the same school as me. They were older than me, but I was put up a year at school, so we were in the same class. I noticed that their lives : toys, clothes, skipping games, ballet lessons etc were pretty different to mine and my brother’s, and I preferred their way (they let me join in and play sometimes with their dolls or ropes). I asked my mum and dad from time to time if I could have that, or why boys weren’t allowed to do that, and got a lot of frowns, conversation stoppers and changes of subject. They were conservative Christians - though they've become much more liberal and mellow with time - and the whole family was financially dependent on a controlling grandfather who was fiercely reactionary. He always thought he was helping out, but caused fear and trouble in all our lives (and is still doing so in his nineties).
I think if I'd had a kind sister or two, or hadn’t then suddenly been dumped in an all-boys private school, I would have learned faster, but it just mixed me up further.
My first experience fully dressed as a girl was at age 10 when I was picked for a girl's part in the school play, and encouraged to be really feminine - frilly pink dress, makeup, dancing, singing about getting married: pretty much the full works. I really enjoyed it, and showed it rather too eagerly, which caused a lot of trouble at home and with boys at school.
Not long after that, I started "borrowing" my mum's clothes and wearing them in secret - locked in the bathroom or when no-one else was around. That made me feel really guilty and ashamed: I knew I was going to get into massive trouble if I got caught, and it started a life-long pattern of concealment and denial of this part of my life.
Pretty much everyone thought I was gay anyway, and I constantly had to duck homophobic taunting at school, as well as teasing about my glasses, name and being a "swot". My social skills coping with all this were rather limited. It sort of surprised me that boys could be horribly cruel to weedy, effeminate boys who are no good at sports, are put up a year but still come top of the class, act all arrogant about it, and are preachy Christians to boot.
Puberty hit, and I found my sexual attractions and fantasies were all about men. I just assumed that gay men were like me (secretly wished they were women, liked women's clothing, and dreamed of becoming women) and that played into all the homophobic stereotypes I was bombarded with, so why wouldn't I assume that?
As school finished and I went to university, life got even more confusing, I was finally able to ditch the glasses (eyesight improved enough) and could grow my hair out. My appearance became noticeably more feminine, and I started to get called "miss" or "love" in the street and get compliments and winks from strangers. Sophie was emerging from the shadows, though she didn't have that name yet (I used a shortened version of my birth name which was gender neutral).
However it wasn't until I was 19 that I learned what a transsexual was, and that they were distinct from gays and transvestites. I realised I might well be one, and thought about coming out as I entered my twenties. Then as the enormity of the challenge descended on me, I had my first complete nervous breakdown and attempted suicide.
Turned out I wasn't very brave at that either, and after a couple of further minor attempts I realised that it wasn't going to solve my problems. It seemed to me that thinking about becoming a woman was seriously hazardous to my health, so I resolved to stop. I "purged" the female clothes, the books I'd been reading, the internet pages and stories, grew out my head hair, regrew my body hair, and resolved to try to live as a man.
I'd started work, bought a house, and thought hard what I was going to do with my life. My sexuality had taken an odd turn: as a woman, I only wanted to have sex with a man, get married to him and have children (which seemed impossible). But as a man, I still wanted to get married and have children, but now with a woman! Sex wasn't a real desire except as a means to that end.
While mixing in the world outside school, I'd started to form close friendships with women again. Only a few though, and they were complicated by the potential romantic element. From time to time, a girl would start to have romantic feelings for me, or I for her, but almost never both. When this element arrived it nearly always killed the friendship, but when I met my wufe, she started to have feelings for me, and I thought "Well why not start dating this time? It's got to be worth a try?" So we did and eventually fell in love with each other. We got married and two children - a girl and a boy - came along soon afterwards. My wife never knew about my transgender feelings, and I was no longer dressing, so it seemed she might never find out.
However, rather inevitably, the sex petered out, and severe frustration built instead. My wife never went back to work after children, and we found ourselves falling into the "traditional" division of labour which suited neither of us very well. There were constant rows and shouting, and of course there was never any real honesty in the marriage. A messy divorce and a fight over children and money followed. My ex's parents insisted on stirring up the fight.
Very unusually for a (supposed) man in divorce, I won almost all of the rounds, and we ended up with equal shared care of the children, a 50:50 split of assets, and no maintenance or alimony. My ex was forced to go back to work. It's possibly because I handled the case in a very "feminine" way, putting the children first in everything, finding out what they wanted, (which was to live equally with both of us) and defending it. I tried to mediate, avoided mud-slinging, tried to be objective and even-handed throughout, and eventually impressed the judge so much that he gave my ex less than I was offering! My lawyers afterwards said they'd never seen such a good result. It all took a horribly long time though.
It finally felt like vindication... we were equal care-giving, working parents, and the children couldn't see much difference between us any more. I've even had my daughter remark that I might just as well be a woman as a man, and would I have preferred it that way? Was kind of gob-smacked by that.
Since my divorce I’ve felt freer to explore my feminine self again, and have learned how to dress up in private and look quite pretty. I've created a rather detailed online and other identity as Sophie, and have used it to buy lots of clothes and accessories in her name. She's been starting to wear her clothes out as well, but only very subtly. Over the last few months and years, I've morphed from thinking that Sophie is a part of me to thinking that Sophie really *is* me, and I am her, and I feel much happier with that acceptance. I still have a slightly girly appearance even in male life, and am growing my real hair out again until I become more obviously feminine. I'm starting to get the odd "miss" again, and a neighbour smiled in surprise (even delight) when I collected a package for Sophie Bourne. It was like she suddenly saw me there and only just noticed. We'll probably come out fully like that... a quick step over the gender line and Sophie will be there, and everyone will see that she's always been there. I'm hoping with delight. After that Sophie can wear what she wants whenever she wants.
My sexuality has now fully reverted to my feminine mode, and I simply can't imagine dating women ever again. Instead I'd love to meet a man who is strong, confident, knows my needs and can take charge. I long for him to encourage me to be Sophie, continue to feminise me for his own pleasure as well as mine, and not stop until I am fully a woman. Once we’ve started, he mustn’t ever let me back out. Sadly I’ve never met a man who will do that for me, but I live in hope! I’d also like to meet and chat to girls who’ve gone through the process, or already helped their sisters come out and transition. Would love a bit of help, ladies!
Welcome Sophie
