Hello my name is Ariana (or at least I think I want it to be) I am AMAB 30 years old and think I am experiencing gender dysphoria. I struggle because I have a lot of repressed memories from my childhood. The first time I can remember experiencing wanting to be a girl physically was when is was 10 years old although I have glimpses of a memory of being younger and remember my conservative Christian grandmother saying something to me (I can’t remember what) that makes me feel sick to my tummy but it’s such a distorted memory it’s hard for me to tell if it ever happened. When I was 10 the Scooby Doo movie game out. There is a scene where Fred’s soul gets trapped in Daphne’s body. I just remember thinking to myself “I wish I could change my body or trade bodies with a girl. I have 5 brothers and we grew up playing a lot of video games I remember feeling euphoria in moments that I got to make believe as a female character in the game. There are other instances of feeling this way since my earliest memory.
<p class="p1"><span class="s1">I still feel extreme jealousy when is see a women on tv or in person and just wish I could wear what they wear and look how they look when wearing what they wear I don’t think my attraction to women is typical I am attracted to how they must feel being who they are and I wish I could look and feel the same. I have never felt comfortable in my body and have a tendency of letting my self care go. I am a pretty hairy male when I don’t shave and let the hair on my body and face go along with not looking at myself in the mirror it can sometimes seem to distract me from how I look and feel The only sexual fantasies I have are of being in a submissive position with both men and women I imagine myself as the women in the submissive position. I feel very uncomfortable around men and when I in a situation where I have to interact with Men I feel extreme anxiety that I mask with anger. I feel a constant fog and feel like I’m just observing my life as a zombie I don’t know if this is all in my head and it’s effecting my everyday life. I start therapy this week. Any advise is appreciated thanks.</span></p>
Hello , Welcome , I find that feeling is totally valid and true for legit Transgender people , it's confirmation when at a young age the incongruence of physical body to mind doesn't match a " born " wired brain in my case a girl , female , CIS born with both mind and body that are happy with the basics given them can't fathom this natural want , desire , but it's just there and stays a life time for a legit transgender person , many try to conform , get married live the way there socially expected to live with a great " Secret " - conversion therapy some are forced to do doesn't work and the social pressure to conform is so strong from family and society they do what they want to feel accepted - I have many incidents looking back in my 64 years under 10 years old starting in about 5 before grade one - I was 7 when the original movie came out in theaters " Mary Poppins " It was so magical back in 1964 and of course my desire was unbelievably so powerful to physically look and be treated a girl just like Jane Banks the character in the movie ( I didn't like the boy Michael in the movie of my thinking at 7 years old , Ha ! I was a biased girl in thought only at the the time ) , the clothing worn everything and be just like the character " Jane Banks " played by Karen Dotrice - my gender was so wrong I was born with , the movie was more than just a movie for me , the message was so clear but wanting and having was a great turmoil of my sense of " self " A great secret ! It's not dirty to be female but the social fight for acceptance in your own mind never leaves a person if your truly transgender - be your self 1 st always despite social stigma , times have changed a lot 2022 - I wish I could have grown up a girl no questions asked back in the early to mid 60's - I would have been a much happier child in the day , it was what it was back then - times have changed a lot and I transitioned , it's not perfect but much better than my old me of so long ago now !
Thank you Rachel. I am gonna have my first session with a therapist today and talk things through with them.
Hi Ariana,
First thing. I'm not a therapist or a doctor, but based on my own experience and what you have described, you have a full blown case of gender dysphoria.
Second thing. Only you know deep inside what you are feeling. Don't let others tell you what they think you're feeling, they aren't you!
I knew when I was only 4 years old that I was supposed to be a girl, that knowledge has never left me, and now, as a very mature adult, I have transitioned and live as a woman, legally a female.
If you have any specific questions please feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer.
Hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
Thank you Lauren.
<span style="text-align: right;">It’s a struggle. I just struggle because I really do not remember clearly most of my childhood. I really have only a few glimpses of memories overall of my childhood. It makes it hard to know what is real.</span>
Reading this is quite shocking to know that someone else is experiencing the same patterns of thought. I hope therapy helps you
A person tries to conform what they where labelled at birth from the doctor that ticked off the birth record box " Boy " or " Girl " and your life starts - you learn a language and they keep using the term " that's a good boy " for eg. and you learn , Oh ! I'm a boy and up till about 3 your still not understanding and don't know your gender at all , but you learn from adults - at some point your own sense of " Self " kicks in if your truly transgender male to female - the brain runs the body , not the other way around - it's like having a Apple mechanical platform being run by a Microsoft programming , they don't work together worth a damn - that sense of " Self " cannot be changed , it's a permanent burned in basic brain that's wired at birth to function a certain way - but you struggle making sense when the rest of the world seems normal and you feel like your the only one - Female is the 1 st gender actually , not male ! try and say that to religious " dogma taught " Priests in what ever Church , you won't win - two spirited people have a curse and learn Humility and Honesty far superior to any Priest that devotes there life to there religious ways - I could go on and on about my feeling of long ago growing up - I am two spirited and will never apologize the way I was born - my " sense " " soul " was always " Female " and know one will ever take that away from me !
