Hi everyone, Adrianna here. A couple months ago, I have come to terms with the fact that I no longer feel comfortable identifying as a cis man. It just does not fit my persona. I've been wearing girl's/women's clothes since I was 10 years old within the confines of my bedroom. I have always wished I could go out in public dressed this way. I have always wished that I had long hair. I have always never felt comfortable with my body hair and facial hair, but I also hate shaving. I have always wanted to spend time with other females instead of boys but never could. I have always liked the way females interact with other versus how boys interact. I have never felt comfortable with male gender roles.
Now here's my dilemma. I am way too big and ugly to look feminine. I am an ugly boy that no one could ever love and I fear that I would just transition to an ugly lady that no one could possibly love. I suffer from a lethal combination of gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. I don't know how much longer I can bare this. I don't know if I will be around for much longer...
I also don't feel comfortable with or have the funds to get surgeries or hormones. I do not have "cis-passing privileges" so I am always going to look like a big man.
I don't know where I stand considering I'm not comfortable medically transitioning. I probably shouldn't be here on this forum. I should probably stick to identifying as a man in this gender-binary society. Ugh. Oh well.
Boy do I wish I could be a pretty girl...
Hmmm.... Well Adrianna I was kind of waiting for someone else to answer your post 1st. Guess they are doing the same. My knee jerk reaction is OMG find a way to the prevention hotline as we have I have been there and felt that way and know it is like being on the edge of a razor under a stone. Can not go this way or that as pain is there and just staying is slowly cutting us to bits. You are in the phase of the heavy vice as you feel the world no everything is crushing you and can not see any hope of escape. Let me tell you it will hurt but it is just a phase, it wont last for long and soon you will be in the next phase and so on. Go to a therapist/counselor ASAP if you think it is getting too much to handle.
BTW dysphoria is why we are all here in one way or the other. None of us are happy with who we are and look like or we would not be here. And there is no quick fix, no instant magic that will make all perfect. To really transition takes a long long time. Part of it is discovery that you are, part is you accept, part is you act, finally you slowly take pills and get surgeries, and then you will coop, lastly you will be. Each of these steps take several years to get through. There will be plenty of time for you to eat right and exercise if you need to loose a few and sculpt you body image. Plenty of time to save up money along the way. Plenty of time to learn make up tricks to look your best. Plenty of time to heal. But you will need to start taking those baby steps one at a time and each will be a challenge, they are for me and will be for you. Certain steps will be harder for you and some easier, but all with persistence and time they can be overcome. And you will see results, I know from personal experience and have seen it in others.
There are people out there Adrianna, people like you find here on TGH, that will accept you for you, people that will become your friends and pick you up when all seems hopeless. Chat to us, pm us, ask us, scream at us, love us, and let us be that friend because some day you will have to be that friend to us too.
Bless you and I hope and pray for you.
Miriya
🤗🤗🤗
Hi Adrianna,
I've been away from the site for a while, but I just wanted you to know my Heart goes out to you. I have had all the same struggles, the same feelings. Miriya is right, they do pass, and we do evolve into something much more the way we see ourselves... simply because it is who you are meant to be. Don't rush yourself.
Hugs,
Stephanie xo
Just a thought, but seems to help to atleast consider the idea that there are good traits within you that counter-balance, and even out-weigh these percieved negatives. When depressed (and I do speak from experience) it is very hard for us to see these good traits in ourselves... even when they seem quite obvious to others.
For example: you strike me as very emotionally honest - I like you already.
I have been dabbling in cross-dressing since the age of 13, I hate my body hair, and I am dragging around my own sack of uncertainties... it's like hearing myself speak, not so very long ago, so you are very relatable
And finally, you prefer the company of women over men. This tells me you are not a knuckle-dragging simpleton, as "the guys" can sometimes be 😆
Please stick around, give the ladies here a chance to help you.
Cheers,
Stephanie xo
I think Miriya put it so well. I certainly have been in bad places in my past.
A couple of years ago I started to take photos of myself. I could take 100 photos in different lights and positions but not once could I see anything other than an ugly bloke in a frock and bad makeup. I could easily have given up then, but I've done that before and it got me nowhere except for wasting more time stuck in a depressive rut. This time I gritted my teeth and joined various sites, did my research, asked others for advice, and set myself the task of finding my beauty.
It took practice, experimentation and determination to get better at what I was doing, plus losing weight, taking care of my skin, stopping biting my nails, finding out what hairstyle suited me (and disguised my horrid jawline), and what I could wear to suit my stupid overlong torso, short legged body type. I know I will never look like a beautiful woman (even one in her 50s), but I can see I have made much progress. And it is those little steps of improvement that have made me feel better about myself.
You've reached out here, that is an important step. Although traffic on this site can be slow at times, you have people here who can understand and help. Yes Adrianna, you should be here on this forum.
*hugs*
Jasmine
I can identify with the body/facial hair issue. I am Portuguese and Irish. Portuguese hair with Irish skin turns out is not the best combo. I couldn’t shave without rashing up so in high school I just used clippers and sported the worst goatee EVER! I started shaving with razors because I had to (Navy). It took about a year and a half for my skin to get used to shaving (with the grain). 15 years later I can shave against the grain. I have been shaving my body on and off for about 10 years now but this is rare. My skin still feels awkward when it is shaved. I have finally decided to keep my body shaved. Shaving sucks but I think you can get used to it. I will send you a pm with tricks I have learned that helps with shaving sensitive skin.
I also prefer women friends but have male friends as in my younger years I feared most women. I still put my best cis face on when talking with overly masculine men but I feel so dirty acting like give a care about their macho man bs. I also don’t get it why guys can’t smile and greet each other in the gym. It’s nice you can bench 500lbs but unfortunately it looks like you have some face muscles that need a work out (sorry about the soap box).
The problem with classical gender roles is you are taking one of the most complicated known creatures and you are giving them two options by which they are supposed to bind their behavior. Computer scientists cannot create authentic AI with modern computers but people’s behavior should be able to be identified with a single bit?!! This means an Atari (or a d4 die for that matter) has more complexity than humans! HAHA! You are the normal one Adrianna (“sanity is not statistical” sorry I had to add some Orwell).
Being chubby isn’t necessarily a problem. You can be cute and/or sexy even if you have a few extra pounds. My wife is chubby and I think she is super cute and much sexier than my skinnier exes. As far as being ugly, I think a lot of this comes with the trans territory. I thought I was ugly until I was maybe 25. Growing up my parents were poor so my clothes were in pretty bad shape, I had been rejected by some close friends when I tried coming out when I was 10. I also couldn’t get a girlfriend if I sold my soul to Satan (which of course makes sense since he doesn’t exist). It is perfectly normal to think you are ugly in these circumstances. The trick is to listen to those you can trust like your friends and ignore stupid people and people who want to see you fail. Besides that, realizing your beauty is partly dress/grooming/posture/attitude which takes time to get a handle on. Attitude can be especially tricky as you typically don’t have confidence to start with if you are anything like me. I don’t have a handle on this from a femme perspective but my cis guise has a lot of experience here. I know you would be surprised how pretty you could be with a little hard work and dedication. PM me if you want some tips but like I said, my experience lies more in the cis male realm.
You surely belong here! I’ve met some of the nicest people on here. You may be surprised how many people you can identify with here. As far as passing goes, I like to describe myself as Spongebob Squaredress. I don’t know that I will ever pass but I know it won’t change how I feel so we should put our best effort forward and learn all we can from these wonderful individuals.
We are the normal few who grow up in a society that is so deep in denial of reality they think WE are the freaks.
Omg biting nails is a killer for me. So far three weeks and no biting. Well, maybe a nibble but no nail breakage. I also have this weird habit of pulling eyebrow hair when I’m really stressed out. I think I’m more weirder than most.
Cactus juice clear nail polish will cure nail biting. 😉
