Hi all,
I’m not sure where I should be, but if I don't wander around, having a look, asking, reading, discovering, I'll remain somewhat lost and bewildered. I may well be flitting between here and CDH for a while.
So Who am I? Well I'm only 54 years old so I may need more time to figure that one out. Oh, I don't have that much time? Well, I guess that is another reason why I'm here.
My childhood was filled with some form of gender dysphoria: I could never work out why I couldn't just be a girl. Surely I would only have to remove this thing... If you ever had one of those plastic model kits where you twist the parts off from a main stalk and you end up with a little burr that needs removing, that is what it felt like to me. File it off, make things smooth.
I started crossdressing at age 5, it was mainly curiosity, but also part naughty : doing something I wasn't meant to. When the bullying started at school at age 9 I started feigning illness to get off school, partly to escape the bullying but also to gain a few hours access to my mother's wardrobe. When dressed it felt like I had removed myself from the bad world and entered a better one. The world I should be in.
By the end of my teenager years I saw things in more than black and white. It wasn't so much I wanted to be female as I didn't want to be male. At that point I stopped trying to fit in with any male stuff. I was no good at it anyway. If people thought I was gay then so be it. (I did have a go at that, and swiftly realised that it wasn't for me.)
Those androgynous teenager years came to an end and one day I suddenly saw a male face in the mirror. It was a man in a dress. I vowed then never to crossdress again, it was a childhood thing that I should leave behind.
Job, marriage, mortgage... When I first started going out with the wife (now ex) I did tell her I used to crossdress. She said she really liked that I was not like other men. Years later I realised that she had tried to convert me into being just like other men, the way I walked, talked, ate, dressed, everything, all had been criticised and changed to what she wanted. I didn't exist anymore, just a numb robot who tried to please but was failing very badly at the man stuff. The marriage didn't last much longer, for a lot of reasons, both of us at fault. The crossdressing started up again during those bad times: a small secret stash taken with me to hotels when work sent me on courses. They were the only times I felt truly happy for the last few years before we separated.
Then I was on my own. I didn't bother crossdressing for 18 months, the freedom I felt was good enough, I think I associated the crossdressing with unhappiness and I wasn't unhappy! Then I came to the realisation that nothing was stopping me from dressing anyway I fancied in my own home... At first it was weekends only and I still hid everything away! Earlier this year I decided I might as well do this all the time (at home anyway) and started to increase my wardrobe. There is no point in hiding it all now; I’d doubt I would be able to find the room!
Why do I do it? It has never been a sexual thing. And I've never felt I’ve had the dysphoria desperate enough to go and seek help. If I look in the mirror I want to see my female counterpart looking back. As my eyesight is now a tad under-par, unless I get close that is what I now see: a slightly blurry woman. I can even take the odd photograph that I like myself in. Sometimes I do dress for the fun of it (eg. see wedding dress), I think I owe it to that child who dreamed of better things, and I'm not getting any younger. Mainly though I dress in what is comfortable and practical.
What next? No idea.
Hmm, I've rambled on a bit. And that is the cut-down version!
*hugs* to anyone who read this far.
Jasmine
tl;dr: Hello everyone! I'm me.
Hi Jasmine! Hugs, I read that far 😉 . What next is a great question and the great thing is you get to decided what it is, if anything. We're here for you if you want to bounce ideas off us, ask about experiences or just to chat.
Cloe
Thank you Cloe. Ah yes, deciding what to do...
I do have this constant problem of putting obstacles in my way about doing anything major in my life. Always take the easy path... the trouble is I then end up regretting not taking the opportunities that came my way.
In the case of transitioning it is not any part of the process that bothers me, it is other people and their reactions that I fear. Those years of psychological bullying have taken their toll. This is why I'm trying to slowly get out in public while crossdressed, and have just informed a friend about my state, to start to tackle those demons. Even if I go no further I would like the confidence to be myself.
A question. I know there is a difference between :
(a) Not wanting to be male / (b) Wanting to be female / (c) Being already female but in the wrong body.
And I've been through all three states over my life, except when I was zoned out on antidepressants. I've been alternating between (b) and (c) in recent times. Does everyone who transitions MTF believe they are always firmly in state (c) ?
I would put myself in C, but I don't consider it "in the wrong body" as that implies some ability to completely switch bodies. I think I just need corrections to rectify a condition I was born with.
I would put myself in C, but I don’t consider it “in the wrong body” as that implies some ability to completely switch bodies. I think I just need corrections to rectify a condition I was born with.
That does make good sense, and is echoing the way I think at times. Thank you!
