My niece's boyfriend just informed her that he has been taking estrogen for the past year. He has not changed his appearance or clothing. He does not plan on telling his parents for another 2 years. He wants to date women. Why take estrogen if you're not going to do anything about it for another 2 years? And why wait? We love him and there would be no judgement, I pray he would know that. Any incite would be so greatly appreciated!!
Oops, totally spelled that wrong. I meant "insight"
Cara,
Hormones take a long time to change the body and it may be a while before they have visible enough effect to be comfortable with their visage and the clothes, how big is their wardrobe? May need time to build it up to where they feel there's enough clothes for a good rotation. The two year wait may also may give time to be adapt. In transition everything changes and most of us were not socially conditioned as women. There's so much to learn. But honestly, only they know why. Maybe they've read someone else's journey are trying to mimic, maybe they're seeing a therapist, maybe they're just trying to figure it out for themself. The best thing you can do is just be a friend and open to new ideas as they find their way.
Cloe
Thank you! A million times, thank you! I love this person dearly, and any understanding I can gain will allow me to be a better loved one for him as he transitions to her. I so appreciate that you took the time to respond to me!
Well... there are several points, sexuality and gender are two separate things for starters and so being attracted to women is nothing strange... (I am, still am). Also, transition is no wave of a magic wand, i.e. body changes are not instant. Also, maybe he/she needs time to be at peace with himself/herself?
All will work out peacefully, I am sure. xxx
Thank you Aija for taking the time to respond, I truly appreciate that.
It took me 40 years to understand myself fully, embrace it, and come out to others. We suffer through a lot of fear, uncertainty, and confusion. Of all the steps in the process, coming out to friends, family, and coworkers is by far the hardest...especially when you're still struggling to understand and accept yourself.
It's unfortunate the way it's worked out in your niece's boyfriend's case because telling people early and getting their support is so much easier mentally than doing something big like HRT and trying to hide it. That just puts so much pressure on things.
The most important thing to do is to tell them that you support them fully. Even if you struggle to understand why and can't get behind it fully, but on the front that you do. They're going to make these choices and changes regardless and having support will mean the world to them. As you start to find more people that support you, it gets less scary to come out to others. Help them build up that support network and the confidence that the world isn't going to end if they live like their true self.
Next is your niece. That's a really tough one. He's been keeping this secret from her for a long time. She is probably feeling at least a little betrayed and hurt that he wasn't honest with her/doesn't trust her enough to tell her. It's important for her to understand how monumentally hard it was for him to come out to her and part of that is BECAUSE of how much he cares for her. It is very important that they focus on communication and that she openly shares her feelings and her fears. And she has to be honest with herself and her partner about whether and how she can support them.
I hope that they both feel there is no rush to decide. Just start talking openly, come up with a plan TOGETHER, and do what they can to make it work. It's going to be a hard road for them. The most important thing now is compassion and openness.
I wish your family a lot of luck. And thanks so much for being so willing to help them that you would come post here. You freakin' rock!
Love,
Emily
