Greetings!!
I am Samantha. I am a 52 year old, pre-everything except the realization that I am Samantha, woman.
My story is very familiar and similar to many that I have read, so it’s not particularly groundbreaking for those that have experienced it.
I grew up in a small town in a more conservative area of a liberal state to a family with severely homophobic members. It was the 70s and 80s, so they hadn’t learned about transphobia yet, but they did, were, and still are. And I don’t care. I would love to be able to change their minds, but that ship sailed and I can’t let it be my issue.
Constantly attacked for being different, I learned the survival technique that many in the community have, how to blend in and “man up”, all the while still feeling hollow and dissatisfied. Existing, rather than living.
While my bigoted family members weren’t aware of transgender men and women, I read voraciously and at some point had come across the words and concepts and they FASCINATED me!! I told a friend recently that representation matters and seeing and reading about women that felt similar to me meant the world to me. But again, my secret hidden feelings were never to be discussed out loud.
I joined the Navy right out of high school and kept myself busy so I didn’t have time to explore and embrace Samantha. Nor could I have as DADT wasn’t even a thing yet, they would just separate you. I enjoyed the Navy made some great friends, had a successful career, and as I grew, I found opportunities to explore the woman inside. Samantha time was cherished, but also dismissed as a weird fetish. After hiding for so long, I didn’t want to admit it to myself. Although, anytime I would ask myself if I could have three wishes, what would they be, the answer to the first wish NEVER changed. And that was to be a woman.
I met a wonderful woman, got married, had kids, and tried to keep Samantha buried and hidden. I had told my wife about my explorations with men, so she was aware of some things, but we were newly married and I was still trying to be a “man” and kept some things to myself. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I wish I had been more open (that’s a current #2, the #1 spot is filled.)
After twenty years of hiding and sneaking in Samantha time when I could (not often), I finally broke down and bought Samantha her first pretty bra. I got sloppy, I left the bag and the receipt in the closet and one day my wife found it.
I got a call at work that was a tear-filled request to come home NOW. I cancelled my meetings and raced home, dreading what I would find. The damn hanger and receipt. She was still crying when she asked, “What’s this?” and “Who is she?” I steeled myself to tell her the truth, I really did. I was going to come fully clean and let her know about Samantha. But lifelong hiding and suppression are difficult to overcome and Samantha didn’t actually have a name then. So I told her I liked to crossdress sometimes and that it was mine and no one else’s. I have not now and will not cheat on my wife, but I did feel like I was the other woman.
I didn’t handle it well and her reaction threw me into a tailspin of depression and self-loathing that I still haven’t fully recovered from, but I am nearly out of that hole and have given Samantha a name and permission to be a part of my life and it buoys me during the turbulent times. I still haven’t opened up to my wife, but I know I have to do it soon. Samantha is me and I am her, and I want to live not exist.
I hope my wife will understand and support me, but I’m better prepared now to accept it if she doesn’t. I want her to be happy and if Samantha doesn’t make her happy, I’ll have to learn to live with that too.
So Samantha is going to get her time to shine and live HER life, the one I denied her for so long.
Sincerely,
Samantha
I have read your article and I can see you have had a rough and difficult time and my heart is with you. I hope now you can proceed to the female you were meant to be. You will find a lot of people on this site will sympathise you. and help you along the way.
lots of love to you Samantha.
Helen from UK xx
Samantha, thanks for sharing your long and painful journey. I relate to desperately wishing to be a woman for many years. I harbored secret fantasies of winning the lottery so I could finally transition. Until one day this March, I just couldn't fantasize anymore that I would find a magic lantern and genie granting my wish, or I would win the super lotto. On that day just a few short months ago, my wishing died, and I started to live. Congratulations on realizing you are a beautiful and valid woman, Samantha and for taking a big step forward joining this community, too.
All of us who married dread our wife finding our secret stash of female clothes and makeup. Thanfully mine never did. Your poor wife automatically assumed you were seeing another woman; and you have a very profound insight that Samantha is "the other woman" in your relationship. It's true to your wife. Currently my wife has accepted my authentic self, but is deeply mourning the death of our marriage. I've had many wine-sodden late nights talking things through with my wife and introducing her to my authentic self.
I would encourage you to also sit down with your wife, once the dishes are put away and the kids are in bed and be completely 100% painfully truthful with her. No more lies, no more shame. Be 100% truthful from now on for her and especially for yourself. The truth will set you free. Honestly, by me being fully honest and answering all my wife's questions allowed her to be honest and I learned things about my wife I never knew before. Be prepared though, your wife may accept you or she may not. She has that right. She may very well want a divorce. But in the end, it will all be for the better for everyone. You have a right to live happily. Congratulations and welcome, sister.
Samantha:
Your text about coming out is important. I have asked for a new section dealing with just this issue. While it works out somewhat differently for all of us, being outed is never a good path. I understand why people are often very reluctant to tell all about themselves, but the result is that we are always placed on the defensive and often things get said that are difficult to take back. It seems to me that a thoughtful, straightforward approach works better.
When we are outed, we are “caught”. Folks get mad about the different reality that is in place, or about to be in place. But, often they are angry that we didn’t tell them, particularly if they found out from a third party. There are all sorts of possible reactions here, but most of them are bad and that’s why, if at all possible, we need to be in front of things before they get out of hand.
Now, I’m sure folks are thinking about how hard it would be to do this. But, I would counter this by asking: “What do you think will happen if you get outed? A calm, measured discussion without blame and recrimination or WW3?”.
I am reminded of that old saying:
A coward dies many deaths,
A brave man only once.
Samantha
welcome n I am sorry dear. it seems you've traveled a road many of us took, but your wife is still there, n may stay or may leave. that's a terrible choice for you to have to make, but if I may offer perspective?
my wife moved in n I had forgotten my entire spare bedroom was missy closet n dressers,..oops. we had a similar chat..who's? why? you know. my wife offered she would be ok with it either way, part of the marriage or not? I chose or not. I've since lost her to heaven.
my therapist n I pondered how life would have been different had I been ready back then. my loss, but I was nervous, n she had even offered to help. who knows how it would have gone ?
I cannot pretend to know the right answer for you dear. all I can do is welcome you, offer you stories n support, n hope for good things for you n all my family here.
good luck
hugs
missy jo
Welcome Samantha. I can identify with so much of your story I suppressed my feelings for so long to save my marriage when I lost my wife a little over a year ago all the feelings came ack with a vengeance  purging multiple times hiding myself to others  ( I still do to many)  were a s are painful I hope you can get things figured out. That’s what I’m trying to do still.  Hugs and support to you. Toni
Dee Ann
i recall reading that about brave vs coward years ago, perhaps on a poetry book..but words to live by
thank you dear
hugs
missy jo
Actually it goes back to the text of Julius Caesar:
Cowards Die Many Times Before Their Deaths,
The Valiant Never Taste Of Death But Once.
Hemingway, in A Farewell To Arms:
The Coward Dies A Thousand Deaths,
The Brave But One
Over time there has been a distillation of the original text. Actually I’m not sure where the version that I remember came from.
