Struggling with my identity trying to learn about myself
Hello, I new here, just trying to learn more about myself and the things that I do. I am 38 years old with a wife and a 9 year old daughter. Since I was about 12 years old or even younger, I’ve had a desire to be a woman. I started out wearing 1 pair of panties, I am not even sure when, but I remember wearing a skirt and panties that belonged to an adult cousin of mine, wishing to be like her. I always have had two sides of myself, like it would only need something to tip me over to the other side. When I was 12 to 17, I would build a collection of women’s clothes and underwear and hide them, I would wear them to school every now and then, not a lot because I was afraid I would get caught. I did get caught when I was about 14-15, it was the worst moment of my life because my sister and my niece went through my stuff and found them. I got questioned hard about all of it and thought my world was over. I lied about why I had them and for a while I stayed away, but I did it again and my mom found a second cache and asked what was wrong with me and if I needed to see a psychiatrist. I said no it was just the stuff they didn’t find and because I didn’t know what to do with it I kept it out of fear. She took them away and I just got more and way better at hiding the clothes. I would collect more and then get rid of them, afterwards I would hate myself and regret getting rid of them, like I did recently. I had clothes that I bought and hid and would wear them to work around the hose with out anyone knowing and loved it. But I got injured last year and worried they would find my clothes, so I got rid of them again. Now I am looking to get more and find myself getting more and more on the side of transitioning. I would dream of becoming a girl when I was younger and could have probably passed, on the phone I would be mistaken for a girl till I hit 16, it felt good when they got it wrong. Then and even now when I look at any kind of porn I love to imagine myself as the girl. I told myself it was a phase and moved on with my life got with my wife who I love. Sometimes when I have sex with her I imagine I am with a man, or that I have turned into a woman and I having a lesbian moment with her. I tried to look up if more people have had similar experiences like me but I get to a point where I feel I might start to question who I am, might open new problems. I looked up about transitioning and got excited about the idea of having my own breasts, mostly do to it being said your breasts size is determined by the women in your family and would be a cup size smaller if I am correct. My mom is like a g cup and had a breasts reduction when she was younger and they still grew, most of the women in my family were well endowed. I wish I was curvy and feminine so much that now I am at a point where I struggling with the idea of transitioning, like I really want to, I know I would love the changes. I am also worried if I would pass. I love to shave my pits and my pubic hair in a feminine way, and wish I could get rid of every bit of the rest of my body hair. I would love to wear make up and see how pretty I would look if I took my time. I know if I didn’t feel like my family would hate me I would do it in a heartbeat. This is the first time I have ever expressed myself and my feelings about this, so sorry if this is hard to read, I am just trying to find what to say and how to say it. I am afraid, I am okay with my life now and know I only get this one chance to live it and feel that if I go the other route that it’s wrong and that I would have made a mistake…. but would be a woman. I am also worried that I am just crazy, I have always tried to do the right thing, I feel I have been a good person following the law, never done drugs. I guess I am trying to find answers I may or may not want, has anyone else felt this way?
Please don't take what I'm about to say wrongly. I've been listening to Utube videos by a PhD trans counselor by the name of Dr. Z, Dr. Z, PhD. Much of what you are telling us about yourself she has talked about. So, what I don't want you to take wrongly is I hope you're not playing a game with the members of this site. I probably wouldn't say this, but you were so extensive in describing everything and generally I don't see such full descriptions.
Dr. Z often encourages people with these issues to find a local counselor interested in these issues. Perhaps you may want to find her on the internet and listen to some of her broadcasts. Best of luck. I know I was once worried I could be crazy, but I no longer feel that way. By the way, I found a therapist a couple years ago and I only recently stumbled upon Dr. Z.
no worries, I was very forth coming because I have never told anyone about any part of this, so the flood gates opened when I was typing. No prank, just looking to start somewhere to open up about it. This is not something that I would talk about at all, but I have reached a point to where I figured I see if I am the only one that has felt and done all the things. The thought of going to a therapist is a new hurdle I would have to overcome, and it will be a while before I feel before I face the thought of telling someone face to face my issues. A computer is easier but still scary, my mind says what if the one time I say anything about this is the time I ruin everything, like when I got caught. It’s a fear that is too scary for me at the moment. A reply is like your is what I was hoping for, you telling me that someone has described someone like me makes me feel like I am getting somewhere, but I haven’t seen it yet so I don’t know if what he described was good or bad. Sorry if I made you feel this is all a joke, I didn’t mean for it to seem that way.
Of all the places where you could be, I’m glad that you found us!
I have almost always suggested to people that they find a therapist to work with and one that is experienced in gender issues. The human mind works to protect us. When dealing with a difficult subject like our gender identity or our sexuality, our minds will tend to divert our consciousness to something less stressful. Therefore, it is hard to make any progress on our own. One of the things that a therapist will do is to help you stay focused on what you need to think about. They will poke and probe in order for you to think about your past life, past experiences and current feelings so that you can begin to put things into perspective. They won’t tell you what to do, but they can help you understand what is going on.
Also, whatever you tell a therapist is confidential:
Remember that very few of us are mental health professionals. While we can tell what we did and why, advice is something distinctly different.
In addition, I suggest two things:
- Please complete your Profile page. It helps to provide a complete picture of how things sit for you. Your Profile page will always be readily available and can be updated at any time if something changes.
- Getting connected with the trans community in your area can be very helpful. We are social creatures and it is good to be among our peers. You can search for other members in your area by clicking on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.
Thank you for telling us about yourself and your feelings. Many of us here have felt the same way that you feel and have done some of the same things. And there is more to do to help you figure yourself out. And it should be through counseling with a professional therapist that is experienced with gender issues. As has been said, this will give you the best outcome for helping you discover who you are. It's how I was able to work through some of my issues and it can help you as well. I know it would be best to do this face to face in an office for the best outcome. And I understand this type of meeting is a big concern of yours. But it would work the best. You can work up to it on your own time line. Telling us here about yourself can be seen as a good first step. If there is a gender clinic in your area or a hospital that has a gender department, they could provide a reference to a helpful therapist. You might be able to work through some of your concerns by way of the phone at first and then go to in person meetings from there. It's something only you can do and work through. This is a journey that doesn't happen overnite. Many of us here have been through some of the same things. And you can too!
We here at Transgender Heaven wish you the best and would love to hear of your progress and other concerns. So please check back in once in a while. Thank you for sharing! Steffanie