Transgender who has family

Hannah,

I know your situation very well. I have gone through it. I think you are much younger than I, though. My kids were grown and living on their own and supporting themselves. I was in retirement when I came out. I told my wife first. She knew I occasionally dressed as a woman. She early on set rules and one was to only be dressed as such in the lower level of the house where she rarely ventured. Another rule was she would never be seen with me in public dressed as a woman.

I gradually broke the first rule, but at the time generally did not spend the whole day in feminine attire. I went slowly but finally had to tell her I found it hard, and then extremely difficult to abide by her rules as I knew I had to let my female spirit free. My spirit was screaming this at me internally. I finally convinced her to read my coming out letter which I planned to send to our mutual friends and extended family. I asked her to read the letter first. I think by this time she saw the inevitability of my need to move forward. She advised I take one thing out of the letter as it had to deal with genital electrolysis. It really wasn't needed, so I did. I sent the letter and I received quite a few responses soon after. They were all supportive. I knew in my heart those who didn't respond were probably stunned and didn't know what to say or despised what I was doing. I have found many people have been very supportive, both male and female, and I live in a rather conservative community.

I have since gone with friends and my wife to dinner, have invited friends over, and so far I have not experienced any backlash.

My wife will never be in acceptance as she repeatedly states she married a man. I can't disagree with her. She said she has resigned herself to what I'm doing and we continue to live with one another. We even still sleep in the same bed together. She did tell me if I get involved with someone else, we're done. I'm okay with that. I still have no clue what gender I'm drawn to sexually. Of course my libido is nil, but it is most likely due to virtually nonexistent androgen. I would bet my levels are lower than most cis women. I've been on antiandrogens and estrogen 1 and a quarter years.

Regarding my children and how they took the news - my two boys were cool with it. My daughter had a hard time initially, but things have gotten better. She even gave me a very nice necklace and matching earrings for my birthday.

Lastly, my vaginoplasty is to be done this coming March. As I've pictured myself for many years as a woman, even to the point of actually making myself feel as if I was penetrated while having intercourse, I am more than ready for the surgery. I may never have penetrative sex (I will never have anal) but I'm having the full-depth vaginoplasty because you never know what the future holds. I do know if I ever have intercourse again, I will be very selective as to the partner. Although I certainly have no need to worry about pregnancy, there is a shitload of infectious agents out there to make hell for the rest of life should you contract one.

JAK-e

I really sympathize with you, as I am in the same boat. I love my wife and family and wouldn't want to do anything to harm our relationship. She knows that I am a bit weird but doesn't know the whole truth. My strategy is to go very gradually -- step by step -- so that she will get used to each step. I certainly don't throw my feelings in her face. For example, I have been wearing silk panties for some time now, and she accepts that. I am taking supplements to become more feminine; they work slowly and very subtly, so that by now I have moobs but not really boobs.
I'll want to know your experience, in order to know what I can do or can't do, and what the reaction will be.

Hi Hannah, I am going through this right now. Some of it is in mu own profile and posts. My daughter and her wife were easy, as you could imagine. My siblings have been very supportive, although my older sister seems to think I want all kinds of advice from changing my name to getting any surgeries (I just came out to them 5 months ago! LoL).

My wife has been the challenge. We had a lot of problems built up over years. I hid so much of myself from everyone that I never showed or shared all of me with her. Once I did star sharing after 40 years, it was too much. Then I admitted I need to start HRT and it was just too much. She is incredibly supportive and knows I have no choice to have a healthy rest of my life. But she also did not marry a woman (at least she didn't know she had) and is not attracted to me as a spouse anymore. I get that, but I am not willing to "settle" and have a marriage of convenience.

There are many, many success stories where the couple stays together and thrives, but unfortunately we weren't one of them. Best of luck with whatever you choose, but it won't go away or get easier keeping such a momentous secret.

Hugs,

Brie

I appreciate you writing about your journey and thank you.

I myself are nowhere near the point of coming out.

But wish to some how explore the femine side of my character.

Thank you.

Thank you Brie for your honesty and I believe my wife is the same if she knew.

She would say she married a man.

I wish you the best of luck for your journey.

Thank you for your reply,

Are the things you are doing such as the supplements a way of coming forward to your family and wife as trans?

Right now I understand that I am trans from feelings buried and now secretly doing some crossdressing to see how that feels and explore the feminine side of my character. I have one friend that knows the full truth and my counselor.

Advice on what to do in relation to reaching out for support on depression and crossdressing, also how your experience is working through this time is helpful and thank you for being open and honest.

Perhaps you can let your true nature come out rather than hiding it, first.

I do remember one of the earliest things I did was walk with more hip sway, but that was still with no one watching. If you're bold enough, you may want to let your spirit soar among other people without even dressing feminine.

Anything you do is probably going to cause you anxiety. One must start sometime and somewhere.

• JAK-e