I was 4 when it all began. My older sister (2 years older) got out a suitcase of our mom's old clothes and started putting them on. I don't remember the details of how I got started - whether she invited me or I invited myself - to also put my mom's clothes on. Anyway we started doing this maybe not every day, but often for a few weeks. This was done during the day when our mom was home and not in secret. Looking back I am surprised my mom didn't seem to react to our "playing dress up." But after a while my sister tired of this and she had her own dresses to wear and we rarely did it. I remember one day I was left alone for an hour or so, and I got out the suitcase and played "dress up." I did this on every opportunity. Then I got the idea of trying on one of my sister's dresses. I liked that much more as we were about the same size so they fit better and I liked them more. But my sister caught on to what I had been doing and confronted me. I admitted what I had been doing. Luckily, she kind of liked the idea of having a little sister to play with. So she told me I could wear some of her clothes she didn't wear any more - just not her new good clothes. This was all done in secret form my mom or so I thought at the time. Later when my mom caught me, she said she knew I had been doing this for awhile. That is really the first part of my story. I have got to stop now, but if this is of interest, I will continue later with what happened next which involves a lot of counseling, therapy, etc.
Jennifer,
We all need to hear each other's life stories. And it helps when we share.
Shiloh
I agree that it is nice to hear our life's stories as I am sure they are all very different how we got to where we are today.
To continue my story. I'm pretty sure I was six when I started therapy as I was in the 1st grade. Of course, at that age, I did not understand what was going on. I just went to these sessions as I did what my parents told me to do. I explained to the man that I liked wearing woman's clothes. After several sessions the guy concluded it was probably just a phase I was going through and that ended that. But the desire to dress as a girl did not stop, it increased. My parents were aware of my desire to dress as a girl. My older brother (4 years older) thought I was a sissy, but my older sis kinda liked it just as long as I did not wear her favorite and better clothes. I think I was 7 when my parents decided that they wanted a second opinion on what was going on. They never made me feel like I was doing something bad, more like it was unusual and wanted to understand what was going on with me. So I started therapy again, this time with a young woman. I remember one day telling her I had this dream of going to sleep and waking up as a girl. That seemed to change what she thought was going on with me. And in anther session I said something about when I grew up I wanted to dress all the time as a girl. I had never heard of somebody being trans and at that young age may not have understood what it meant even if I had heard of it. But anyway my therapist had me see a therapist in Portland which was about an hour away. I had several weekly sessions there and even a couple times went to one in Seattle that meant me taking a day off from school to drive up there and back. When I was 9 or maybe 10 I remember that finally my therapist asked me if I had any more dreams or thoughts about wanting to wake up as a girl. I told her yes, I thought about that a lot. She told me that she and the other therapists thought I was trans. Since I didn't understand what that meant, she explained it and there was actually a surgery where I would sleep through and when I woke up my "down there" would be like a girl rather than a boy. Actually it was a little more complicated than that as I eventually learned, but I guess she just wanted to keep her explanation simple for me to understand. I remember just sitting there and not really able to say anything. I guess I was kinda in shock. But obviously what she told me changed my thinking. She then set up an appointment for my parents so she could explain to them what she and the other therapists thought was going on. I think they were in as big a shock as I was, but they talked to the other therapists I had seen and eventually they came to accept that. They never made me feel as though I was bad and always told me they loved me and wanted the best for me. I don't think I really understood or appreciated at the time how important that was for me and they could have had the opposite reaction.
Well I need to stop again so this seems like a good stopping place for now.
Jennifer,
Wow this is so fascinating and encouraging to hear, especially for those of us who have experienced that "opposite" reaction or at least something different than understanding and support. Back when I was a little girl, long ago, even therapists would have regarded my feelings as a "condition" which needed to be "cured." I'm rather grateful my parents did not go that route. They must have known I was dressing, it's pretty hard to hide when you're nine or ten, but they never said one word to me about it, apparently hoping that it was a phase I would grow out of. I was left lonely and confused, but at least I was not subjected to "corrective" measures, so I didn't feel so much shame and conflict. I knew what felt good to me, and I thrived on it.
Looking forward to your next installment.
Jane
Thanks for all the positive feedback to my life's story and encouragement to continue. I left off when I was diagnosed as being trans. For the next year or so, nothing really big happened. I continued seeing my therapist. One thing that was different about me than what seems to be the usual story for trans people is that I didn't dislike being a boy. I loved sports. I loved playing sports especially softball and basketball and going to games with my dad and older brother. We especially followed the local college team. But somehow being a boy just didn't seem to be the real me. As I got older I remember hearing my friends at school talking about what they wanted to do with a good looking girl. I didn't want to do something to that girl. I wanted to be that girl. Whenever I would see a cute girl I felt like why can't be like her. When I saw a boy holding a girls hand or having his arm around a girl, I felt jealous of that girl. Meanwhile my sister being 2 years older began to develop and I was really jealous of that. Every day I thought about some day being a girl now that I knew that it might be possible.
When I turned 11 my therapist asked me if I was really serious about being a girl and I said yes. She said then it is about time we began to take steps to make that happen. So the therapist scheduled an appointment with my parents to discuss this with them. The therapist said that the process would be long and hard and expensive. I would soon be starting puberty and the best time to act was before puberty started. She explained about starting hormone blockers. I realized this was a big step that I didn't want to jump into without knowing more about it and my parents agreed to look into this. My brother was totally against it and told me that I would be giving up being a man and all the benefits of being a guy. My sister thought it would be cool to have a little sister and she became my biggest supporter. Since I was now dressing as a girl a lot at home, my therapist wanted to see me dressed as a girl so she made an appointment to visit me at home with me dressed. When she did, she was impressed. So to make a long story short the decision was made and approved by my parents to start the process. I saw a medical doctor that resulted in me starting hormone blockers and I no longer got haircuts. Well I need to go so this seems like a good place to stop.
Hi Jennifer! I am so touched by your story. I know the process wasn't easy and carefree, but having your sister and parents on board and starting so young is such a huge thing! I am 60-ish (-ish -> giggle), and just started HRT last November. SInce I'm this aged the endocrinologist is going SLOW. It's good medicine, but my dysphoria is almost unbearable now. I always wanted to be a girl since the earliest I can remember but back then I'd have been diagnosed as mentally ill and given conversion therapy to "fix" me.
I'm not where I want to be yet, but happy to be going in the right direction finally. I am envious of your courage to tell your family and therapist what was going on.
Hugs,
Brie
I believe every transition story deserves to be heard, and I also know that telling our stories can be very cathartic and bring healing to our feminine souls. Thank you Jennifer for opening you heart and sharing your story. Best wishes as you continue down your amazing path.
Love,
Lauren M
Thanks for the support and encouragement to continue my life story.
I was now in middle school and on blockers. At first there was no problem, but that gradually changed resulting in a melt down by me during one my therapy sessions. My desire to transition to a girl came into conflict with my love of playing sports. My dad was the high school baseball coach and assistant football coach. All my young life I had played catch, had batting batting practice and shot baskets that gave me an advantage in my favorite sports of baseball and basketball. But while in middle school my friends and teammates went through the changes of puberty. They got bigger and stronger and I eventually lost my advantage. Plus my brother being 4 years older was in high school and his success in sports led to him being very popular and he was enjoying dating girls. So this led to a melt down one day in front of my therapist. She asked me if I wanted to continue on blockers, and explained if I stopped I would go through the puberty and go through changes like the other boys, but if I did so it would be much harder to transition to the life of a girl that I so badly wanted. I was in no condition to answer her question. I had therapy sessions every other week. She advised me to think it over and schedule an appointment for the next week. When I got home I had a long talk with my family. My brother was in favor of me giving up being what he called a sissy and become a man. My sister was really liking having a little sister. My parents said they would support me in whatever decision I made.
In the end, my desire to be a girl was dominant. But it showed me that life was not easy and I would face difficult decisions. So I remained on blockers. I could still play sports, but I was no longer one of the better players. Through my middle school years I let my hair grow and mostly wore girls clothes at home. My closet had a growing wardrobe of clothes my sister didn't like. She had also given me some of her old bras that I loved wearing. I would even sleep in my bra and dream of having boobs. I would put rolled up socks in my bra to make it look like I had boobs. And even when through a phase where I filled a baloon with water that I put in my bra. My sister was teaching me about using makeup.
The next big thing was when my therapist talked about what next for me in my transition. She said I could start on female hormones when I was 16 and explained the changes that I would undergo. That really excited me and I wrote down the date I turned 16 and could really begin my transition. One evening I was dressed as usual and my sister suggested we go outside for a walk. I looked enough like a girl when dressed with a little makeup. My hair had grown, but still not long enough to really look like most girls. Long hair was definitely the fashion for most teen girls. But in the dark my sister thought I could "pass" well enough to just take a short walk around the block. I was excited, but nervous and scared going outside dressed as a girl for the first time. There were a couple of people we saw on our walk and it thrilled me that we had no trouble. Soon afterwards my sister came up with the idea of buying me a wig. We talked to my mom about this and she gave in to buying one. We went online and found one we liked. When I got home from school the day the wig arrived, I couldn't wait to get dressed and try it on. I was amazed at how I looked. So after dinner, my sister helped me apply some basic makeup and put my wig on and we went for another walk this time while it was still light outside. Things went well until we saw some people who stopped and said hi and what a nice evening it was and I suddenly realized I had said hi and agreed it was a nice evening. That is when I really realized that being on blockers my voice had not really changed much and at least while dressed and wearing a little makeup and my wig my voice sounded close enough to being a girl's voice that I passed as a girl. When we got back to the house I talked to my sister about how dramatic this was for me. And she said that my voice definitely passed as that of a girl. Wow!!!
I better stop again for now.
