Today I went out fully dressed as myself for the first time. Well, I have attended a Pride event and gone to several gender support group meetings dressed, but today was the first time "out in the wild" of the general public and not in a lgbtq+ "bubble" of safety. I'm kind of in a state of disbelief that I did it at all. I totally expected myself to chicken out! In fact, I would have bet on it. It was a great bet to lose!
So much of my life has been struggling with being transgender and many unsuccessful efforts at purging. So, today feels like a particularly big milestone. I'm MTF and 50, and it's only in the last two years that I've been able to keep with accepting it and not let fear and self-hatred take over.
I went to a big mall here in Georgia just as it was opening for the day, and walked around for an hour. My hair is very long now, and I think that is currently my biggest asset in passing. I was worried about thinning on the crown, so I wore a blue hat that matched my blue maxi dress. I had a little black purse, small black flats, a bracelet, a watch, and a flowery mask. I am pre-HRT, so I used breast forms and all of the hip and rear padding help I could get. I also have pink glasses frames now (I think of them as the secret weapon!)
It was uneventful, which was exactly what I was hoping for. I wandered the length of the mall and took my time window shopping all the ladies' items. It was strange walking through the parking lot and to the mall, feeling the dress moving on my legs. Kind of vulnerable, but I wasn't scared or fearful. It was kind of empowering in a way.
It was also strange seeing my reflection so often in panes of glass and mirrors as I walked from shop to shop. I couldn't believe I was going out dressed as myself, but I really was. It seemed like a dream, but a pleasant one. I didn't notice anyone looking at me for any length of time that would make me think I wasn't passing. I even used the restroom with no problems whatsoever.
There was a kind of a spiritual feeling about it too, an unusual sense of calm while I was walking through the makeup, perfume, and underwear sections while unashamedly leisurely browsing, so unlike the horrible nervous and embarrassed urgency to get out of there that I always seem to feel whenever I'm shopping the women's section while in drab.
So, I won't rush going out again too soon. I'm still working on refining my look and building my wardrobe, but I think it was a good first step.
Thanks for reading!
Thanks for being so brave. You help us all to be a little bit braver ourselves.
My first trip out was to met a GG friend at Panera, and it was amazing. Walking through that parking lot and into Panera, I felt as if everyone was looking at me…but nobody was! And I loved driving down the interstate and being the quintessential older lady driving a Cadillac!
Haley😘
Thanks for your story as i enjoyed it! I have only once went out dressed up and went to a bar which wasn't actually fruitful I enjoyed the experience and would want to do it again sometime! xoxoxo
Renae
Stacy Ann
congratulations honey! 😀 feels wonderful doesn't it? I don't think I pass but I force mysekf to dress n go, because I was going nuts trying to hide mysekf at home. and women are still generally friendly to me. in stores, at church, grocery stores. n even in ladies restrooms. .I've been lucky I guess. good for you dear
welcome to the sorority.
hugs
Stacy Ann:
Glad that you had a good experience! For MANY of us, the experience turns out to be better than we dared to hope for.
I realize the the concept of Passing is very important for us, but there is something that we all must remember:
There are many who were Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB), and are not butch lesbians, who don’t appear as feminine as some others. But, there is something about them that does not raise flags about their gender identity. I think there can be many reasons for this:
- Choice of clothing items, colors and style
- Deportment
- Body movements, including smiling
- Being deferential
- Accepting kindness graciously
- Being seen doing what those who are AFAB often do (clothes shopping, grocery shopping, etc.)
The vast majority of those who are AFAB come nowhere near the notion of hyperfemininity, but is seems that is the target that we are shooting for.
Anyway, my point is that how we are perceived goes beyond just how we look.
Happy to hear you had a wonderful time out and about. It just keeps getting better.
Stacy Ann, the first time I presented in public was in a big shopping mall in Katy Texas. I was pre-HRT and I had just bought a dress, shoes, and a bra at Torrid. I had "supports" in my 46 B bra to make it look realistic. Since I had been growing hair and I had a bald spot on my crown I bought a hat from Forever 21 across from the Torrid store. I then walked almost the entire length of the mall and saw a movie from the top row. After the movie I walked back to the Torrid store, talked to the salesclerk about my experience at being a girl for 2 1/2 hours, and changed back into my male clothes (which the Torrid staff kept for me while I was out) and went home. Our first time out sounds the same. Since then, I started HRT at 65 and underwent gender reassignment at age 66 a year and half later. I am totally female at 68 in a very conservative and unaccepting community at age 68. I hope you can have the same type of experience. Love Ya, Gabby.
