Hi everyone. I’m fairly new here. I joined a couple of days ago and I can already see the support flourishing here. I absolutely love it. I am not sure this is the right place for this topic but an administrator here, CC, suggested I post it here. So here it goes.
Like my Dad told me last night, it pains me, really pains me to say this but my mother of 65 years old from 1955 - 2020 died last night. My mom was really suffering, so in a way, I’m kinda glad she finally passed. But it is tremendously painful to realize this and accept it. I cannot accept this at this time, but I know I have to put my selfishness behind and see that she is gone. My Dad is seeking out grief counseling for me and I thank him for that. He is even willing to pay for all the costs for her funeral even though they divorced years ago. Even typing this is so painful. I just want to shrivel up, die, and go wherever my mom goes. I feel like I can’t really go on. My mom didn’t love herself. It was only a matter of time before here drinking and smoking and self hatred caught up with her. I miss my mom. What do I do now? I wish I could have been able to come out to her before she passed. I never did. But my dad told her about it, kinda behind my back some years ago, and she said, “Out little girl is confused.” She probably wouldn’t have understood either. But regardless I love my mom with all of my heart and I know she loved me too. The last thing she told me was they she loved me in her hospital bed. I had this horrible feeling that this would be the last time I would ever speak to her again....I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t want to believe it. My mom is gone.
Phoenix
It is the way of things and we can’t change that. All that is left to us is to deal with it. I know that doesn’t make it any easier, but that is the reality of it.
I have no particular advice, beyond this. Be sure to carry the good memories with you. Allow them to comfort you and embrace you when times are difficult.
I sincerely suggest you go to grief counseling. A therapist can help you to understand and get through the grief process. We all deal with it many times throughout our lives whether it is a loved one that dies or the loss of a loving spouse that leaves when we transition. You will get through the process and come out the other side.
I lost my mother, brother and father all in 4 years. It is part of life. And it was hard even though I was not as close to them as you seem to be to your parents. I also did not come out to my parents before they passed. Gender dysphoria had not overwhelmed me at that point. They would not have been accepting. And I might not have come out to them anyway because of their having sent me to aversion therapy when I was 5.
Stay in touch with the group to let us know that you are doing okay and find someone that you can talk to that will allow you to call them whenever you are hurting. I am MTF but you can PM me if you need to talk. We do care that you stay safe through the grieving process.
My sincere condolences on your loss. I know a bit what it might be like, as I lost my partner of 40 years in the middle of October. It has gotten better a bit at a time since, but I have had a therapist for several years that has been working with me, along with my primary care physician. And, I've got a strong support network (some of which I didn't know I had until it was needed). All of those factors are helping, along with time.
Do take up your dad's offer for the grief counseling. Look to see if there are any group offerings, too. Check in with family and friends. Stay connected. I know it is hard to start with, but it does help.
Wishing you all my best.
Hugs,
Evelyn
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how painful that is. The only thing I can say is while it's agony right now, eventually the pain will lessen. She will always be a part of you. Just take it a day at a time.
