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My Transition and my Marriage

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Hello everyone, it's been a while since I came on here, but I need to write it down somewhere and Facebook isn't the place.


My wife has had issues with my transition from the start, as those of you who remember me will know.  She tried very hard to be accepting and helpful, but those around her were not so accepting.  She faced constant pressure to end my transition or to end our relationship by friends and family.  She was told that my transition would harm our children because they have always known me as a guy.  She was told nobody would ever see me as a woman.  She was told it is against the will of God.  And she threw all of these things back on me, and even though pretty much nobody else has said things like this to my face, I could not stand them coming from the person who I needed to support me the most.  From the only apparent person who supported me.


I was psychologically tramatized by all of this.  She told me that my parents wouldn't support me either, and with no real life friends I had nowhere to go.  I felt trapped.  And when my youngest son was diagnosed with mental problems and my transition was cited as the cause, I snapped.


I had already cut back on transitioning when I was told he was being bullied for having a dad who was "pretending to be a girl.". I had stopped estrogen after three months and reverted to wearing men's clothing.  I however refused to cut my hair after having grown it out for the past year and after trying to switch back to camis found myself too uncomfortable not to wear bras.  I also liked to wear a women's ring and watch.  But last week upon my son's diagnosis, she was insisting I cease these things as well.  I tried to explain to her that it was not my transition that was the problem, but that she had explained it to them based on her beliefs and not allowed me to explain using mine, leading the kids to believe that I am sick and being stupid and evil.  But she refused to give in.  The kids had just gone to activities and we were having this conversation in the car, and it was here that I snapped.  That if I couldn't live the way I wanted, if I had nowhere else to go, then I couldn't live anymore.  I started the car and told her to get out.  When she refused, I tried to ram a telephone pole anyways.  I stopped myself from doing so, but the damage had been done.


I have been staying the past week with my parents.  Contrary to what I was told my parents have been very supportive of me at least getting out of that situation.  But she has taken legal action against me and I can't contact her and because of that I can't see my children.  I am trying to get additional mental help.


But now I am at a crossroads.  The fastest way for me to get my kids back is to see the psychologist and get a clean bill of health and go back to her and forget my transition.  But that is not going to solve the issue that led to that.  That will not fix the problems between us.  That will not make me happy or make me change.  She doesn't want to believe that I am trans, but I am and no professional opinion is going to change that, and that is what she says she needs to accept it.  But that's not going to work.  She needs to see that I'm a woman inside, that I need to do this.  I need people around me who can support me and help me make her see that this isn't just what I want it's what I need to do.  And that road is long.  I might not be able to go down that road if I go back to her.  We probably won't even be together at the end of it.  And if I start down that path now, I don't know if I'll ever see my kids again.


I know what I want to do, but it is a tough decision.  I'm afraid of the hate I will face, that I will be accused of abandoning my kids.  But I also know it might be what's best for everybody involved.

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Im sorry to hear that.   I wish you all the best.   everyones journey is different.  Some seem to have a smooth ride while others suffer crests and falls at every step.

Be true to yourself, and be honest with your wife.

Posts: 16
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Joined: 3 years ago

Dear Tory,

Your story was heartbreaking to read. It seems to be the story of many us.

I’m so sorry your wife is so unbending and angry. From what you shared, it seems like your life literally depends on your transition. If that is the case, your wife needs to accept that, as do you. Otherwise the consequences would be awful.

I wish I was a fairy godmother, wave a wand and make it a happy ever after story.

Be strong for yourself and your kids. I hold you in my heart.







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After I came out to my family I was supported by my kids, 19 and 21 but not by my wife. We continued to try to work things out for 3 1/2 years. I constantly felt trapped. She constantly wanted me to compromise which I was willing to do. Unfortunately, her idea of compromise was for me to dress as a female in my room where she could not see me. It never did get as bad for me as it seems it was for you.

I frequently told her that I could not go backwards with my transition. None of this could be put back into the box. Without HRT and transitioning gender dysphoria does not reduce in frequency and severity. Finally after 3 1/2 years she accepted that I was only going forward and we are divorcing, which is actually a good thing for both of us. I can have freedom to live as myself and she can not feel trapped herself in her house by having to see her husband as female.

Feeling trapped with no hope of the dysphoria decreasing is the quickest way to fall into depression and possibly do something to hurt ourselves. If that were to happen it helps no one. You have to take care of yourself and hopefully others will support you after some time. First thing that you should do if you have not done so already is to develop some local trans friends that can help you along your journey. It is not always easy because we usually want to blend in and not standout in public. But you can try to find others by asking on this site and other trans social media outlets. Good luck and we are always here.

Posts: 1692
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Joined: 4 years ago

Over the last 6 or 8 years I’ve read a number of stories regarding the marriages of trans people. Some work and some don’t. Obviously we never know 100% of the story, but I’ve never noticed anything that would suggest a particular outcome. To me, that remains a mystery...

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