My title, "Moving Like a Glacier" references the fact that glaciers move, but ever so slowly, usually imperceptibly, but they move nevertheless.
In December of last year I started working with a therapist. My results have been very good as explained in my recent article, "The Value of Therapy."
Before starting therapy I thought transition; full time womanhood was the impossible dream. Not so any more. My wife seems receptive and supportive. We have shopped together for clothes for me. I am free to wear a skirt, lady's jeans, a dress, a nightgown / lady's PJs around our home. She doesn't give any indications that she is uncomfortable with my presenting. To be transparent it is not full en femme, it us simply her husband dressing in woman's clothes. I believe I have a long way to go before full en femme is possible. Also dhe doesn't know me as Charlene, yet.
But whereas full en femme never seemed remotely possible, now it does, as does medical & social transition in the future. What I have noticed is that initially I was hesitant and embarrassed to be seen by my wife in a skirt. Now however all that is removed. It is easy & natural to be so dressed.
My thought/question is this: This is part of the "process" isn't it? This is just part of the natural progression for both of us (me and my wife) to my living authentically isn't it?
I actually am moving, though "glacier slow", toward that time of fuller richer expression of the woman I am.
For those who have gone on before, is this a correct assumption? And then also as these initial acceptance become more and more natural, will the pace pick up?
Am I on the proverbial "slippery slope" so often talked about in our community?
Thank you all for any insight as I navigate a place I never thought would be, but where I am thankful to be.
Kindly,
Charlene
@charlenev I think we all have a Flash Point, so to speak. Each small step that we take often seems to open another door that we had not considered, or as you said, didn’t think it would ever happen. I am reminded of that scene in The Danish Girl where Einar embraces a piece of fabric (silk?) and is just transported to another place. That was his Flash Point. I think we are tapping into something that was there all the time, but was suppressed or ignored.
Funny thing about being dressed in front of my wife. I had no problem being dressed in front of her, but my difficulty was in being PARTIALLY dressed in front of her. I never knew why that was, but it is nearly dissipated now after 10 years.
@charlenev we all go through our metamorphosis in a slightly different way at different speeds. You need to do you. When you and your partner are ready to take another step, you will. I have lost track of the number of times that I have read it's a slow process one that many girls rush and expect instant results after too many years being closeted.
It's great to hear that your partner is supportive, too many are not. And don't get me wrong, they have good reason to shy away from the process because if they stand by your side, they too transition. She will no longer be the couple down the street, she will be part of "those people". Loss of social standing in her friendship group is hard and there will be a flood of helpful advice to "kick him to the kerb", " you poor dear, how could he do this to you", "is he seeing a psychiatrist?", etc, etc. It takes a toll on partners because let's face it transitioning is a very selfish process, not undeserved, but selfish non the less.
I wish you all the best, and only hope you reach a point of not having to be "transgender" but just you, comfortable in your own skin and happy with your life.
Thank you. I have no doubt many others "get it." Yet in your reply, you have connected with me in two ways
1) you show a big heart for my wife and the pressure she is having to deal with as she comes to grip with sering her husband actually feeling very comfortable expressing his feminine self
2) Thank you so much expressing so plainly that this process is selfish. I have often thought this and yet I am nor a selfish person. "How can I fo this," I wonder? And yet, how can I not at least yo some degree not express who I know myself to be at heart.
Yes, you really do get it. Thank you. Here's a virtual hug.
Kindly,
Charrie
@charlenev Congrats on your progress. Please watch out fer any "Titannics" in the vicinity of your path!!!
Maybe "selfish" in a sense...but--in my view--NOT entirely. Maybe "self-oriented" would be a better way of expressing it. Look, if you were transported to the hospital by ambulance (because of a ruptured appendix, e.g.), obviously...for a few days...everyone in your family would have to focus on YOU....but this isn't exactly selfishness....more just attending to the "special needs" attending to you at the time.
And, besides, NO ONE is merely the "public identity" a person manifests. If you lose a leg--say--are you now a diff. person...and the family should now tell you to "Get lost; you're no longer our parent (or spouse)?!!!"
Hi Judith,
Thank you for your thoughts and for the encouragement sent with them. Truly I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I have often heard that medical transition especially with surgery is like any other operation that is done to correct a birth defect. I disagree. No other operation that I can think of changes nor is intended to change the personhood of the individual. GRS does and that is its intent. Those changes take from everyone in a person's circle of influence the male or female to whom everyone has related.
In working out an explanation for myself that synchs both my lived experience and my very orthodox fundamental Christian faith I've concluded that my personhood is separate from my gender. My personhood is sovereignly determined by God for me by the body in which He had assigned me to live this life on earth. Gender on the other hand is how I perceive who I am as an individual. For myself I understand and accept that I am a woman assigned by God male responsibilities by virtue of His assigning me life in my male body.
All the people in our lives relate to us by our bodies, our assigned personhood. Changing my personhood by medically changing my body radically changes the way I relate to others and others relate to me. Does any other operation create that kind of change? I think not.
To make such a foundational and fundamental change as if one lives in a vacuum is in my mind selfish. This is not to say that MTF or FTM gender transition is off the table completely. Gender dysphoria for many is crippling, and perhaps full transition is necessary. I understand that and can support such a decision.
But the all too prevalent idea that my happiness is what is most important and all its other iterations is a selfish approach to gender transition. At times transition may be the only relief for an individual. Those who resist such a decision after the transitioner has in good conscious done their best to explain all the whys and wherefores now be omes the selfish one.
Truly being transgendered may be the most difficult personal condition of our humanness to understand, to work through, and to resolve properly and favorably for all involved. However it can be done so the condition is manageable and hopefully in such a manner that at least a few more folk will come to understand, appreciate, and accept the reality and challenges of being transgendered.
Kindly,
Charrie
Hi Charlene. You seem to know what you want. It’s important to know there is no, one fits all, path to transition. We all take a path that is unique to us as individuals. Some like me who is out and has complete support from my spouse, have no interest in transitioning my body, at this point at least. I live primarily as a female with my wife’s blessings and support. We have discussed transition among other topics regularly and love where we are at currently. Have you discussed any of this with he r yet? Nothing is more important than being completely open with your thoughts and goals, short and long term with her. I suspect you will work towards your goal, just remember to keep her up to date with how you feel and your intentions if she is to remain a part of your life.
I came out to my wife in 2010. To this day, similar to DeeAnn, it feels weird sometimes when I appear half him and half her, say in my PJ’s. I will usually throw on some earrings, light makeup, and a wig and all of a sudden, I feel respectable again. Normal again. Correct.
Hi Jill,
Thank you for for your thoughts. I am delighted to meet another girl who is non transitioning. Though I would love to transition with surgeries, I don't see that to be practical nor at this point necessary to manage my dysphoria.
I agree that honesty about my needs is a must. One of the mindset changes that my therapist has helped me to understand is that my longing to express myself as a woman is not simply a carnal desire. I now understand that these desires are needs which if met considering her (my wife's) needs as well as mine will actually be healthy for our relationship.
It sounds as if you and your wife have worked this out very nicely I am happy for you both. Knowing this is possible as reflected in your (and others) non- transitioning (at least medically) status is a help and an encouragement Thanks for sharing.
Kindly,
Charrie
