My Experience of Loss

This morning I'm sad, no that's an extreme underestimation of how I feel.

Yesterday i learnt through my wife that my youngest daughter is pregnant again. It should be a joyest occasion and whilst I am so happy for her i know this will be another grandchild that i will never get to see, to hug and be a grandparent to.

I have five children, 3 biological, however i raised all of them equally and for many, many years they were my whole life. I was always more of a second mother to them (wonder why) but tried very hard to show them the manly side of life, although my heart was never really in it.

I knew I wanted to come out, many times, but like so many of us "its just wasnt the right time", so it got pushed down, again and again. My kids are now grown, we set them up in life, made sure they had good jobs and a roof over their heads. They married, their careers sky-rocketed and they started having children.

Now was the time finally. I started like a bull at a gate, 50 years of waiting will do that. I started dressing at home, going to counselling, joined support groups and commenced on HRT. My wife believed that she owed me so much that she was prepared to help me transistion but she wasnt a lesbian and started a long drawout divorce.

Before my breasts were too obvious and prior to my first major surgery I had a big party where I came out to all my friends and family.

The reaction from my children varied considerably. My youngest daughter (gay/bi) was supportive, my youngest son (also gay) was very supportive, my middle son rushed up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss and stated he was very proud to be my son, my eldest son was "whatever", he was always laid back (far too much, if you ask me, and my eldest daughter (my first born and dare say my favourite, which i know is wrong to say) ran out of the house screaming.

Well that went well, not. Some of it was predictable, other reactions, not so much. Is there a correct way to come out??

Anyway metamorphosis continues and to be quite honest I didn't see a lot of the children, they were busy with their lives and I was busy becoming "ME". We would have a family dinner occasionally and conversations were uncomfortable as I wanted to tell them about my journey and they were just interested in my wife's well being.

Operations proceeded, changes occurred (so, so many) and I finally felt I had fully transformed into the real me. I must admit I was terrified I would never pass and be destined to be ridiculed and jeered at for the rest of my life. But that was not the case. No one in my past now recognises me, I live my life as any other woman, have had two significant career promotions and fell in love again (with my wife), divorce averted and shr thank goodness fell in love with her new wife! 💓

Life was good, no fantastic, we were through the worst of it, or so I thought.

Out of the blue, my middle son called me up and invited me to see his new very sucessful business premises. On arrival he offered me a wine in his salubrious library, and then began the tirad of verbal abuse, bringing up every perceived digression I had inflicted on him since he could remember. Crying uncontrollable I stood up to leave and was told if I took one more step he would assault me. I sat there for another hour being belitted and called a disgusting and an abomination on society. Finally I was allowed to leave with his final statement that I was dead to him and I would never hear of see from him or his family ever again. To this day, some 5 years later he has been true to his word despite me attempting to reach out to him a number of times.

My eldest daughter, again out of the blue, blocked me and my wife. No explanation, no goodbyes, just gone. Her husband reached out a couple of times until he was caught and then he too stopped all communication.

My youngest daughter, the pregnant one. Has met with me, on two occasions. Her summary of the situation was this;
• When you came out, like my coming out, I understood and wanted to be there for you.
• I did however see you change so much that I lost my ability to relate to you.
• I then went through a period of grieving for the lost of my father.
• I am now presented with "a person", who I do not know and I'm not sure what role they have, if anything in my life.

I must admit she has tried to maintain a relationship with me, however as time passes, I keep slipping further away in her thoughts. If it wasn't for my wife who raised her in her teenage years, I would have lost her long ago.

We gain so much by transitioning but there will be losses, some far more painful than others.

PS my youngest son is still very supportive and my eldest still doesn't care although he admits he does miss his dad.