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Posts: 119
Managing Ambassador
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(@jasmin1661)
Estimable Member     United States of America, California, Needles
Joined: 6 years ago

I don't know why this always turns out to be a task that is hard for me to complete.  I joined CDH and help form TGH so I would have a comfortable place to be myself. I do find my other things to do here, but the main reason I joined was to write.

At sometime in my life, I wrote what I felt. And I didn't feel judged..  But then something happened, I didn't like bad or harsh criticism. OK maybe it wasn't that. Thinking about it, I remember, it got me in trouble. Why? I was to honest. Like I wrote before, I wrote how I felt. And I felt it made me sound feminine, gay, a sissy, and all those other names I could be called.

I don't know why it mattered so much back then. Maybe just the fact that being different and having to fit in was the only way to be safe. Maybe that is my biggest regret. I didn't write. I stopped writing, and filed every story and essay in my head, so no one would know me. I would leave no trace of the femininity, the fantasies, the truths that only I know. But not know that doing as I did, would permanently alter my life.

I would become bitter, heartless, and empty of any joy.

Why this matters today, is because, 6 years ago, I held a knife to my chest as I slept. I either was going to us it to protect myself or end my life. One of the lucky times that she left me alone after a fight and a mental break down. In some way that knife killed me. Cause I woke and accepted a reality that only was a fantasy and untouchable. The secret I swore I would take to my grave. I accepted I was transgender, and that I would live this life happy and different.

 

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Posts: 179
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(@briellerose)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh
Joined: 3 years ago

Wow! What a powerful post!! I never held a weapon, but so many times I resigned myself to living with the secret that I would also take to the grave. I determined that if one of us had to be miserable, it would be me and not my wife. But this year, something just clicked inside and I realized that I would never attain complete intimacy with her with this huge anchor pulling me deeper into the abyss. The only way  out is with full honesty and vulnerability, to your loved ones but more importantly to yourself!

Thanks for sharing such a stirring message - it's just what I needed today!

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Posts: 10
Member
(@firakagegetsu)
Active Member     United States of America, New Hampshire, Berlin
Joined: 3 years ago

Wow I can relate I don't know how many times I've held a weapon of some sort and I've come close a few times couple of which were after I came out as trans I have a couple nasty scars because of it hell for a while I was even a cutter of course that was before I came out so I can relate it sucks but at least we're all happier now that we've accepted who we are and decided to hell with everybody else we are going to be us whether they like us or not

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Posts: 962
Managing Ambassador
(@michellelarsen1)
Noble Member     United States of America, Virginia, Front Royal
Joined: 5 years ago

To Jasmine and all that may read the other replies..... From time to time I just look at my kids and think how lucky I am that all is well with them. And reading what you all have written makes me feel lucky and guilty at the same time. Lucky that I have been so blessed in my transition, and at the same time guilty that you all suffered and I never had to. I know my words are probably coming off all wrong, but I don't mean them to be. But I am most thankful that you all are able to share your lives with us all. So we can learn, and appreciate what we do have in our own lives. I thank you all, Michelle

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Posts: 119
Managing Ambassador
Topic starter
(@jasmin1661)
Estimable Member     United States of America, California, Needles
Joined: 6 years ago

Michelle,

Don't feel guilty for your life. I had made the choices that I made. Fully understanding the pros and cons. Undoubtedly it's made me the person I am today. I'm thankful for you appreciated the obvious,  that many of us may have lived hurtful or tormentful lives.

Sometimes I feel we fail to recognize those who are not as fortunate as others. And I fail them by not writing my story to help them relate. Or find others who understand what they are going through.

 

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Posts: 119
Managing Ambassador
Topic starter
(@jasmin1661)
Estimable Member     United States of America, California, Needles
Joined: 6 years ago

I remember feeling g exactly that way. I always told myself, I can handle the hurt that others can't.

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Posts: 119
Managing Ambassador
Topic starter
(@jasmin1661)
Estimable Member     United States of America, California, Needles
Joined: 6 years ago

Amen!!

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Posts: 962
Managing Ambassador
(@michellelarsen1)
Noble Member     United States of America, Virginia, Front Royal
Joined: 5 years ago

Jasmine, you remind me of something else I do feel though. I don't know how many times I feel frustrated with my own inability to provide the help to others I see suffering. Yes, I know it isn't my responsibility, or my job, and that I'm not a trained professional. But nonetheless I do feel like I have let them down. But, each day I do wake up hoping and trying to do a better job today than yesterday, and hopefully someday.... Just know I thank you and everyone here for all you do to make my life, and the lives of everyone here; just a little bit less burdensome each day. Hugs, Michelle

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