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Special for me

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Posts: 115
Bronze
Topic starter
(@charlenev)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Joined: 3 years ago

Good morning TGH sisters. For many (perhaps most) this may not be special, but for me it was sooooo. . . euphoric (I believe that's the word which captures the feelings most precisely)
Last evening my wife had to spend an evening at a sleep clinic so a sleep study could be performed. This was an appointment that was set probably 6 weeks ago. No sooner was it set then I just "knew" how} I would spend those alone hours. 
Yes, I did. Yes I was, me, Charlene. Clothes were borrowed, as was the nail polish and make up. No at this point I have none of my own, but with many skirts and tops I can appropriately wear my wife's. Yes I know that many say borrowing without one's wife's consent is a "no-no". I understand that. But what little I had in clothes I parted with in 2020 for her comfort in living with a husband that is "gender broken." 
Last evening I broke the no borrowing rule. Oh my, it was euphoric. For a few hours I was the woman I know myself to be at my soul level. I was so at home in those few hours of feminine self expression. The feelings were so reenforced as I listened at length to files from The Feminization Lab and Beautifully Changed, both MTF feminization sites on You Tube.
I worked around the kitchen as Charlene, ventured out onto the deck, into the back yard and then to the front. Foolish perhaps, as the front of the home is brightly illuminated by a street light, but at that point I didn't care. I was the neighbor lady and wasn't hurting anyone. And at that time if the morning the street is quiet. 
Dawn came and time to go pick up my wife. Oh my, it was so hard having to regress back to the closet so the respected / respectable man could exist again. 
Now, I am at work. Oh my do I hurt deep within. I am Charlene. I know I could live full time as the woman I am, but for the walls within. Perhaps it is small adventures like this that slowly erode the foundation of those walls until they come crumbling down to be replaced by the confident embracing of authenticity.
Dear ladies, thank you for listening and understanding.
Hugs,
Charrie

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Member
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member     Canada, Ontario, Renfrew
Posts: 200

@charlenev sorry to hear about your situation but understand completely. Have you considered coming out to your better half?  It everyone is willing to do that however. In my case, I had to come out to remain sane. It wasn’t a question of should I, but rather, I must come out and whatever happens, I will live with. I couldn’t go on pretending, hiding, etc.  As it turned out, she was totally accepting. Life for me is good. We all have our own path in life to follow.  I wish you the best in yours.

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Bronze
(@charlenev)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Posts: 115

@jillleanne Jill, thank you for kind words and encouragement. I do appreciate your taking the time to write. I am out to my wife. She knows I am gender broken. Recently I have declared I am trans. She knows I want to be a woman, but is not aware that in my heart I actually identify as one.

The reality that I might one day decide to become a woman, i.e. transition, frightens her, so I do my best to minimize my feminine self  for her mental and emotional health.

Kindly,

Charrie 

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Ambassador
(@flatlander48)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     United States of America, California, Cathedral City
Posts: 1781

@charlenev 

You are not the first transgender person to be faced with this choice and you won’t be the last. It all comes down to what you can live with, your situation and the reasons that are the foundation for your decision. There are no wrong answers here. It is a matter of what makes sense to you.

If things do become unbearable, I would suggest talking with a therapist. It would need to be someone with experience with gender issues as not everyone has that background.

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Posts: 2
Member
(@elleelle)
Active Member     United States of America, California, Anaheim
Joined: 2 months ago

I'm sad to hear that you are in a situation where you can't be yourself. I hope it gets better. Many hugs.

My first waves of euphoria were with borrowed clothes (which she was mad about when she found out) but it was a revelation that there was an alternative to the continuous low level depression which I had become used to. I knew at that point that things couldn't stay the same.

My wife is now supportive but I feel weird doing voice training in front of her. Last week I needed to take some long drives alone and found it was a good place to do voice work. Other drivers just think I am talking on the phone.

-Elle

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Posts: 115
Bronze
Topic starter
(@charlenev)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Joined: 3 years ago

Hi Ellie,

Thank you for the encouragement. I have thought about voice lesson and practicing while driving.

Hugs,

Charrie 

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Posts: 93
 Lir
Member
(@inuyasha)
Estimable Member     Canada, Alberta
Joined: 2 years ago

Good luck! Your wife might just be afraid of the change and what she thinks might happen, after all humans don't really like change and we all take a while to adjust. I would suggest talking about it and trying to comfort each other as communication and support can alleviate a lot of worries and conflicts.

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