Today is a big day for me, as it marks the one year anniversary of finding out that I actually am a woman.
I knew when I was only three years old that I was supposed to be a girl, and that feeling, that dream, that maybe I was a girl, never left me. I used to pray that I would wake up as a girl, but was always disappointed. I started experimenting with my mom's clothes and it just felt so right! When dressing in feminine attire I always considered what I was wearing to be "my clothes." I've been dressing in those clothes as often as possible since I was 14 years of age.
It took requiring heart surgery for me to actually listen to my heart! I finally reached a point in my journey where the voice of "The Woman Inside" could no longer be ignored, and it was time to set her free. I transitioned almost three years ago to living as a woman 24/7. Where my life's journey got really interesting took place a year ago today, on May 25, 2023.
How I've always felt, and what I'd always known, finally came true! I had to go to the local ER because I developed a medical issue common to women. After some tests, and waiting several hours, I met with a lady doctor who changed my life. She told me she'd read through my medical records and proceeded to tell me things about myself that I was only vaguely aware of, and she also asked many questions about my puberty. She asked if any doctor had ever mentioned intersexuality, I said, not that I could recall . She told me that my chromosomes are XXY, and I have very high estrogen levels. I have always had what is called Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which means my body didn't respond to androgen when I was still in my mother's womb. She said I had come in with something quite unique for a woman, I had a Urinary tract infection due to my "unique anatomy." "You came in here identifying as a trans woman, but you're much more, you are an intersex person.
She placed her hand on my knee and said, "Lauren, you actually are a woman!"
How does one calmly hear such news and not react emotionally? It was so validating, How I'd always felt, what I always "knew", was actually true! I am an intersex female, I am a woman!
I am in the process of writing a book about my journey. It is called "The Woman Inside, Lauren's Journey. I have to tell you that learning that I'm intersex has been a very emotional roller coaster ride, with many questions, some of them answered, while others remain unanswered. But I can tell you the pleasure and delight of watching many missing pieces of a very large puzzle, finally falling into place.
I look forward to what the next year might bring, what paths may open for me, and who can I share with, as I continue this journey.
Hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
@reallylauren It seems, in all our lives, we all stumble in the dark, to some degree, and for some amount of time. And then, something new and completely different comes crashing out of the sky, like a thunderbolt. How anyone could not be overcome with a million different emotional feelings when that happens is beyond my comprehension. That short visit with that one doctor, was your thunderbolt. I suspect when you got home, and collected your thoughts in the quiet of your surrounds, you had that 'wow, I just walked on the moon' moment. You have been to the moon, and you are back to talk about it. Hugs
@michellelarsen1 Oh Michelle, thank you, nobody has any idea, unless they've also been on a similar "trip"! One of the most interesting things for intersex people is finally understanding why we think the way we do. How I always felt is because I literally have a female brain! Knowing that explains so much about events that occurred on my journey and how I reacted to them.
There's actually many very good Youtube articles and TED talks about being intersex, presented by people who are. When comparing the journeys of trans people and those who are intersex, there are many similarities to our stories. The biggest difference is that being intersex isn't just how one feels, but literally how one is born.
A thunderbolt is a wonderful allusion, I was definitely struck at that moment and you could have knocked mo over with a feather! A year down my path and I'm still collecting thoughts!
Hugs,
Lauren
Hello Lauren
In reading your post I just had to reply as my story is very similar.
I was also very young I was an only child my parents both worked my dad was in the Army and would be gone for long periods of time so I was raised by my mom and grandmother. This was back in the late 40's and early 50's when ladies went to the beauty parlor once a week and got their hair done permanents and was and set weekly. Grandma had her appointment every Wednesday special at the salon and she would bring me with her because there was no one to watch me at home. I would sit and watch all the ladies get their hair set or have to smell that stinky permanent solution being applied I was only about three or four at the time but I started asking if I could have my hair curled. Grandma and her hairdresser said no it was for girls only. On Saturday mornings I went to the salon with my mother and sat and watched as she got her hair done. Now her beautician was her best friend they went to school together she had a son a couple years older than me but we both would sit and play together in the salon. I started asking if I could have my hair curled also her beautician said my hair was to short and mom said boy's go to the barber shop. The weekly trips to the salon lasted till I was seven with Grandma and a bit longer with mom and My Dad or Grandfather would take me to the barber shop for what was then called a boy's haircut which I hated I would cry every time they would cut my hair I wanted it to grow so I could have it done at the salon with mom. It was about this time that I would be left home alone and I started trying to set my own hair and asking Grandma to put her old metal curlers in my hair and mom to set it with Bobbie pins or her curlers. I was also playing with their make up when they were out.
I will stop here with the story as there is much more that led to where I am today but it all started back in the 50's when I knew that I was suppose to be a girl. Only recently did I discover that a mistake was made when I was about to become a teenager reaching puberty.
until next time
Sophia
Thank you, Lauren. It will be an inspiring and very emotional book. I will wait for it.
Gisela
I will wait for it too.Please let us know when it is published in print form.
