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"The Woman Inside, Lauren's Journey" Further and Deeper Introspectives.

Stories from the Hearth

Last Post by Charlene K 5 months ago

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Posts: 227

Lauren Mugnaia

Ambassador

Topic starter

October 6, 2024 7:38 am

(@reallylauren)

Reputable Member Canada, British Columbia, Victoria

Joined: 3 years ago

It is hard. But it is easy. It hurts. But it is also painless. At times I feel very lonely. But I am not alone. It was always there from the very beginning. But it was invisible. I was the only one who knew. Knew that I was very different. I knew who I truly was.

But the person looking back at me in the mirror,

wasn't me.

I have now read the personal stories of many intersex and transgender brothers and sisters, and their stories are amazingly similar to mine.

I faced losses. But I also experienced genuine gains. I was constantly aware of who I was. But forced to ignore it by the cultural norms expected of me, and had to be an actor on a stage with a script that wasn't written for me.

I had to make a decision. It wasn't a choice. It was a necessity. I could no longer exist and live in two parallel worlds.

It is hard, but it is easy, to live my life as the woman I knew I was from early childhood.

It hurts, to face rejection from some people, but there is no pain in the joy of being free to be the feminine person I am.

There are times when I feel quite lonely, but I am connected with many brothers and sisters who's stories echo mine in so many ways.

I have been keenly aware, from the beginning of my childhood, that I was supposed to be a girl. But that was invisible to those around me, and I was the only one who knew, until last year,

that I was very different.

I have never enjoyed the image that used to stare back at me from the mirror, it never matched who I knew I truly was inside.

So why does one enter this world and be assigned a male but always identify as, and desire to be, a female?

Last year, through a visit to the hospital and meeting with a doctor who is educated on gender issues, I found out the answer to that question.

I am intersex. I was "born both." The lady doctor placed her hand on my knee, and said to me, "Lauren, you came here identifying as a transgender woman, I'm here to tell you you are more than that, you are intersex, Lauren, you are a woman!"

I now have a great sense of peace, knowing the truth of who I truly am, and why I have always felt the way I have, I am a biologic female, born that way but 'born both'.

So what about the losses I face? I, like so many of my intersex and transgender brothers and sisters, face losses. There is a lack of acceptance by many people who have literally disappeared from our lives. There is little willingness to learn and understand who we are and why we are. The number of people from my past who are still part of my life is a small fraction. But those who are still in my life, are true friends. I also have all the lovely ladies that I work with who completely accept me as "the lady at the security desk." I am accepted at my church as just another lady in the congregation.

Our world is seeing a rise in drastic viewpoints from the ultra conservative right wings of politics. They often look for minorities to target and blame for problematic issues, and transgender and intersex people are currently in their sites.

I hope this provides a small insight into what it is like facing life as an intersex person living in this world and facing the issues that exist today.

Hugs everyone, until next time,

Lauren

3 Replies

Posts: 201

Gisela Claudine

Bronze - Annual

October 9, 2024 6:02 am

(@firefly)

Reputable Member Panama, Panama, Panama

Joined: 3 years ago

Hi Lauren. I always find your writings refreshing and inspiring. Thank you for sharing them. I feel they help me reflect on myself.

Gisela

Posts: 15

Katie Time

Member

October 10, 2024 3:48 pm

(@lovingmylife)

Eminent Member United States of America, New York, Newark

Joined: 1 year ago

Thank you for your continuing perspective. I keep nudging at the walls of my self inflicted restrictions, it is because of fellow travelers like you that I am able to push forward.
Hugs Katie

Posts: 162

Charlene K

Member

October 22, 2024 3:23 am

(@charlenev)

Reputable Member United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago

Joined: 4 years ago

Hi Lauren,

About a year ago I embraced the fact that indeed I am transgender. Now that doesn't automatically make me a woman, but I certainly am not a male who never thinks twice about my gender.

Rather, I think about it constantly and inevitably end up concluding that at my deepest level I am a woman; no, not a feminine man, but a woman. And after many many years of consternation about this ambivalence I have finally embraced my truth - indeed I am a woman who happens to be trans.

But because of the losses that you clearly stated have come your way and that I fully believe would come my way should I begin to express my authenticate self more openly I tenaciously hold to my male presentation.

I wish I could go to the doctor and be diagnosed as intersex. I think I could jump off from that springboard and begin to pursue womanhood in earnest. . . . Maybe.

Right now I am in my, "I will be a man" (for other's sake) part of my gender cycle. But then I read your story and find encouragement. "No," I think, "I am truly a woman and I WILL live authentically!"

I thought I was there earlier this year. I talked about it more openly with my wife. We shopped together for clothes for me. She bought me clothes while she was shopping on her own. I truly thought I was on my way to a much more open female expression at least at home.

But I have recoiled. So I come to TGH to find help, some grounding for my feminine self that I do not want to let go of.

Thank you for helping.

Kindly,

Charlene