Can it be that you've buried your true gender identity so deeply that you're fighting with yourself to let it out and because of this you feel like you're faking it, it might be a fetish (because gender euphoria feels awesome so maybe its just a kink), and you've ruined your life by coming out and then get massive anxiety because of this and the easiest way to solve the anxiety is to give up and go back to your old, fake persona and just deal with being unhappy because anything is better than anxiety?
Like, you enjoyed living your fake identity because you were "normal" according to society even though secretly you were unhappy and broken, but the anxiety makes the old fake life seem so much better for a short time even though you know better than to go back?
You miss being "normal" and sometimes think the sad brokenness is worth putting up with.
Anyone ever feel like that?
And some days presenting as female feels supernatural and others you fight with it and feel like giving up. I started transition 2 months ago so I'm fairly new to it.y
Interesting question:
Those hormones play havoc with your emotions, one day I feel 100% woman...and the next a complete fraud. Especially rainy days when full makeup is a waste of time...and having to STILL wear a face mask in shops. A big old raincoat and size 10 shoes. I see myself in a shop mirror and think really are you so new Alex? The former me is still there...and I'm not changing my name or running from my past. You can't can you... not really.
If I can't convince my friends and family I was living a lie, how can I ever convince myself? I still live my old life but on my gender terms. My old identity was not a fake...just the way I lived it. Or is that Just me?
My old life wasn't fake per se, meaning that I wasn't pretending to like the things I like (I love German industrial music and silent movies) I call it fake because I hid parts of me that would/should have been there along with the other stuff (bubbly personality, admitting I love Sex and the City, my favorite color is pink, etc). I wasn't outright lying, but wasn't being as authentic as I should have been. I wore a military surplus bomber's jacket as a winter coat for many years. I loved it, but would much, much rather have been wearing a women's grey button up coat. I love pizza and always will. I still have ADHD and am a chatter box. Not gonna change. I'm just letting out a more complete version of myself. Kind of like doing a partial re-decoration of a living room. That vase has got to go. Keep the curtains and rug, but can we get a cover for the couch? That sort of thing. I was always was me...just not 100% me. The biggest differences are going to be in some of the choices I make in how I express myself. I can now get the pink fuzzy steering wheel cover I always wanted because I'm out now...no reason to deny myself the things I want because the reason I was before is no longer relevant.
I guess what I'm going to miss are the things I did to hide the things I wad hiding. I hid something I was ashamed of so the thing I did to keep it hidden became associated with positive feelings...good, no one knows. So, those things gotta go. They're the vase in the above scenario. I focused on German Industrial music, for example, because it made people see me as more male. I love it, but made it more of a focus for that reason. I also LOVE Selena Gomez and now she's gotta get some of the focus that the loud Germans used to. That's one example of many. And it illustrates what I mean by missing the "fake" me.
I know what you mean Hilary, I was perhaps broadening my own definition a little. I love pink, wore pink shirts a pink iPhone and other little things; I knew why but others didn't. I think much of what you say will resonate with many. Found myself nodding as I read.
I like to think of it as peeling away the masculine layers I have built up to make myself acceptable to others, the ones that hide my true feelings. When they are all gone I will still be me I hope. I won't miss the devices I used to hide me though, so I don't miss the faking.
I'm a bit gushy and as a women with other women that is ok. I couldn't do that as a male...had to hide it. That was a frustration but I never really found a way to get round it.
I'm a Nightwish fan (Finnish band) through and through lol...if you've ever heard of them? The perfect male/female mix for me. Unisex so you can be whatever elements fit your personality.
And I always find it funny that when you're talking to someone and they're like "men can wear pink too, that doesn't make you a woman." I'm not a woman because I like pink...I like pink because I'm a woman. Then they say "not all women like pink" ... when did I say they did??? And so on, lol
