You have to hold your head up high, you have to come to a place of being honest with yourself. You think you are "out"; your not out, you found a little micro-environments of acceptance and safety. Within these special environments you are out and accepting of yourself. You as I have spent years finding little niches of belonging. You as well as I don't dance the "Happy Girl" dance in a cowboy bar at Texas A&M. (I studied there for a while)
If you really spend some time inside yourself, re-feeling the joy of first cross-dressing, of feeling pretty, of special pleasure in the first time you shaved your legs; I could go on forever. I first declared myself a girl when I was 4 years old; at that time my parents told me I had to stop acting like a girl because I was a boy. I have fought that biological control of my gender & emotion ever since. I have been cross-dressing for 60 years, and I NEVER thought that wasn't my true self. My knowing sincerely that I was really a girl has kept me alive for those 60 years. A very few times I felt shame in my desires to be a woman; all because I allowed the "value structure" of intolerant bigots to momentarily penetrate me.
I believe one of the secrets of "coming to a place of self-acceptance" is to really work on your own personal "value structure". What really is important; what values are worth keeping, embracing, respecting. I always knew I was really was a girl because of how I expressed love and emotion for just about everything, and that love and emotion came right out of me: the girl.
I have always been different than most people I hung around with. 34 year military veteran, starting with Viet Nam in 1971, retiring from the army in 2004 after Iraqy Freedom. I lived in a man's world, but I was always a girl in value structure & emotion.
So where am I going with this: I have always known I was a girl, and I always accepted that I was a girl. I just didn't let restriction such as my body is "male" interfere with my truths; really no different than the restrictions one feels when in a cowboy bar at Texas A&M. In 1952 I couldn't physically be a girl, and that restriction lasted until a few years ago. I took care of myself by not initiating battles I was sure to lose, by never not believing in my girl and how that girl was not only normal, but a good person with love to share.
First: you have to "come to a place of self acceptance" in your own mind and heart. Own that place, believe in that place, let that place guide you, never look back. Second: Transgender acceptance in society has a long way to go, so don't go where you will get hurt physically or mentally. Third: Lead a good life, let more and more people know you are transgender, a few here and there; let acceptance grow through your actions and deeds. Even do this carefully. Forth and finally: don't do stuff you actually are ashamed of, build that "value structure" and let it help you in times of temptation. It is called "Cognitive Dissonance" when your own heart & mind tell you what your doing is wrong. But make sure it is your "Cognitive Dissonance", a result of your "value structure"; not the uninformed, or the intolerant, or the ignorant.
We are all in a place of self acceptance. The real work is learning to grow the size of that place.
Love
Lukcia Patricia Sullivan
My therapist told me she believes the reason I feel anxiety and hesitation around any Josie-related activities (doing makeup, dressing en femme, etc.) is because I still have a lot of shame and guilt about being transgender/bi-gender.
Hi Josie! Lawren from CP here.
One of the interesting things to come up at CP was when Kathie talked about "internalized transphobia." That's a reference to implicit or unconscious bias that happens because of our exposure to the way society depicts transgender and cross-dressing. For everyone, even transgender folx, we are all exposed to the same portrayals in tv and movies that show trans as psycho-killers, or as a simple comedic ploy, a punch line. Some tv/movies use it for both comedy and titillation, so it takes on a certain erotic, taboo experience.
Most of society has internalized this transphobia, including me. When I first began claiming my gender identity, the backlash from that transphobia was vicious, quick, and severe. It's gradually softened as I've been affirmed by my circles of friends and colleagues (amazing!), as well as my coaches and TGH and CDH.
What they've taught me is that I am legitimate. I am valid. And I ride out the backlashes, knowing my authentic self will return to truly and freely express myself.
The internalized transphobia isn't about you or me. It's about society's training. I look for evidence. Evidence that there is science that affirms the possibility of my existence. Evidence of that early training and a clear analysis of that training as a construct and NOT valid in my gender identity. And an understanding that God don't make no s***. I am one of the chosen ones. I get to experience this entire life, from both sides. What a gift.
My advice? Embrace the backlash, look at it clearly, embrace it so that it feels safe enough to let go for a while. When my raft starts going through the rapids, any resistance is probably not going to help things. My transphobia of myself is understandable, and the mind and heart are malleable. As I learn to harness it, peace, love, and joy come forward.
