I was driving the long commute to work yesterday and I had one of those fits of depression, you all know the ones that make you want to swerve and go over the mountain edge. Anyway in an attempt to put it to paper and let it go, I wrote this. Not sure if I need encouragement or just validation, but here it is.
Miriya
ps.
I have a lovely photo on my phone that goes with this but I have no clue how to attach it.
Like a child behind her mother's skirt,
I just peek out.
I know I should be strong,
I can not,
for all I see scares me.
I am scared.
I stand in the abyss and am reduced to tears,
nothing before me,
behind me I do not like.
All that I am just moves along,
doomed to trudge a thousand years long.
I am scared.
My family will all leave me for what I am,
no friends,
no loved ones.
Like dying but living,
all is ashes and dust,
blowing in the wind soon to be gone.
I am scared.
I tremble like a frozen flower in the morning dawn,
I am scared to be scared.
The hot sun burns me all day long,
I am scared even to be strong.
I am sacred.
My life will be short,
my body unclean,
I have soiled my self so,
that my soul will be doomed to repeat for eternity.
I am scared.
I look in the mirror and all I can see,
is nothing, not even me.
What I look like I have no clue,
but I wish I could see me as I should.
I am scared.
In the end I ask my self many things,
but all I hear is,
"Is it okay?"
"To say?"
I am scared!
Mariya,
There is beauty in your words for revealing the pain inside. You are loved without condition by us here. We understand the angst of loss and rejection. You stared this journey to be your authentic self. Embracing that is harder than one can imagine, but it is oh so necessary. You are you and no one nor anything can change that. Don't let depression define and control you, but better yet just know - You are Mariya and you have so much to live for. I and the other moderators are here to talk to if you need a shoulder to lean on.
Hugs, Managing Ambassador Cloe
"I am scared even to be strong. I am sacred. My life will be short..."
A typo, I realized.... I expected an overturn of the theme where you become empowered. A re-write in a better frame of mind, I would find most interesting.
You have a gift for the written word, btw.
Cheers ,
Stephanie xo
Miriya, I also struggle with depression at times. I highly recommend B12 shots, and for myself, 5-HTP has been of great value in the past. It is the pre-cursor of serotonin, the feel good chemical in our brains. A naturopath could guide you better.
Best of luck, you are not alone.
Stephanie xo
Thank you so much Stephanie 😊, not sure if I call it a gift of words maybe one for gab or fits of emotion.
Actually I edited it right after posting. But I do not have the privilege to edit the forums so the other version is saved elsewhere.
Miriya
Good poetry is borne of perceptiveness and exactly as you say, fits of passion or emotion.
I don't think you recognize your gift.
Cheers Luv,
Stephanie xo
Depression is a weird thing; I think. I say 'I think' because I'm not a medical professional. Anyway, because of the way I think; I think, and plan, and think, and plan (you get the picture), and then one day, the switch gets flipped, and I just go an execute my plan. I've been that way all my life, and I've been pretty successful. And then one day, I flipped the switch to get 'Michelle' rev'd up and going. And then the depressing things happened. No, not about actually becoming 'Michelle', as in fully and completely. But in the 'having to wait on the medical profession' depression. For heaven's sake, no one knows me better than I do. I'm an engineer, and I have noddle this thing six ways from Sunday. So let's get a move on it "medical folks'; it's very simple. I want these two things removed, I want these two things 'enhanced', I want all of this stubbly mess gone, etc. The having to wait to get it all done seems to be the depressing part. Once I have attained my goal, I will be one happy little clam. Okay, thanks for listening. Hugs to all, Michelle
Miriya,
That was beautiful. I have the same type of feelings at times and I've often wondered if it is a result of not being able to fully feel like woman. I can really empathize with how you feel and will be here if you need to chat or even vent. You can always come here for validation.
xoxo
