For those of us who are deep into transition, either M>F or F>M, what have you done in order to be able to disconnect yourself from your prior being? I’m speaking specifically about how you carry yourself, how you interact with other people and how you function in public. Was it a conscious process or just something that you slid into without a particular plan?
This is particularly important as it creates a point of incongruity and can lead to the wrong kind of attention. By that I mean that while we can visibly be seen as our target gender, our physical actions (speech, movements, social interactions, etc.) can undermine what we have done.
So, are we cultivating a new set of behaviors that match our physical presentation?
I just try to relax and not reflexively hide any feminine mannerisms any more. I was aware of this tic many years ago while watching a scene from the 1996 comedy movie "The Birdcage", the American remake of "La Cage Aux Follies", when Robin Williams's character physically "resets" his limp wrist into a more masculine pose before going back into the dining room. I completely recognized that as something I did often even though I had not previously been consciously aware of it.
I used to have to be careful when drinking around friends because I used to tend to unconsciously begin to act effeminate. Now I try to consciously allow myself to walk and move as I naturally want to without affecting a lumbering male pose the way I usually reflexively do.
What complicates this is that it involves physical actions that may have been in place for decades. These are things that we do without thought. They are so deeply ingrained that we just do them. As Stacy suggests, there is a discovery process to it...
Hi Dee Ann i know your comments are out of love and concearn for all of us who decided to cross the line . My Clothes and make up may not totally up to par but my heart and mind are totally in the game as Tiffany has said. I dream in the fem world now. Your heart and mind should be in the game long before changing the chemical balance in your body. I am not expert in transitioning but there is so much that can be done with diet and exercise , voice and body movement .Just simple things like attitude and taking the time to look at things differently. I have so much to unlearn I have spent a life time learning how to be a man. I never really got it. I never felt like a man. That is the one piece I never could achieve. I really did want to feel it. I know those feminine cute movements and looks will come much easier for me because my heart is in it. Everthing is now in reverse I am starting with who i feel i am instead of who i was told i was. if that make sence. Anyway DeeAnn you are so right we have a lot of unlearning to do. The privilege of being born with a male body is absolutely real. I was a recipient of that privilege. I just do not need it anymore. Sorry for rambling ladies luv Stephanie
It would seem that we concentrate on the obvious things because we know, or can find someone who knows, how to address clothing and makeup issues. However, while we can evaluate these in front of a mirror, getting a glimpse of our maleness is much more difficult. There’s a lot of kinetics involve and that’s hard to see in the static view of a mirror. Many of the male mannerisms do not transfer well to a female persona, and vice-versa for F>M. Ultimately it is a double edged sword as there are things that we need to unlearn and things that we need to learn. Further, all of this is probably exacerbated by dealing with these at an advanced age rather than, say, in our 20’s.
Fortunately, I don’t have gender dysphoria, so there is probably much less urgency for me than for others. I can move through this at my own pace rather needing to force the issue. This is a great luxury to have...
This may seem trite, but I promise it is truly the hardest adjustment I had to make. How long did it take me to stop looking to put my hands in my pockets? Answer. Thirty two years and counting! Longer than I was in this world as a male.
Here are plus sides to adjustment too. My voice is similar to Bea Arthur's so deeper than many. But I was the victim of an attempted mugging once, many years ago, in London. My male voice showed up then, and some soldierly language. I might not be as big as I was when I served, but I was definitely not very ladylike either.
I would not advise trying that tactic ladies. It could get you seriously hurt.
Jenni xxx
I’ve just started on this journey but I have wonderful supporting wife (for now). She has been able to look at me and notice how I need to change the way I walk. Straight legs instead of permanently bent knees. When I stop walking, my weight is evenly distributed on both legs instead of on one hip. Doctors have been telling ladies for years not to put your weight on one hip, it is bad for the back but it is a typical female trait we men don’t really see.doing my hair and makeup has been an obvious change but learning all the subconscious nuances has been a challenge.
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Yes, pockets are a funny thing. We don’t realize that the thought process behind the design of women’s clothing has some significant differences compared to male clothing. For women’s clothing, the silhouette is everything. No pockets removes the possibility of putting lumpy things in them. You wind up needing a handbag, but that’s a small price to pay. Conversely, men don’t like perpetually carrying things in their hands (irrespective of any sexist aspects regarding handbags)).
The size of pockets is another issue. I have average size hands, so many of the clothes that I have that do have pockets are too small. However, some are sized so small that and average woman would not fit in them either. To me they are 1 tissue size!?!?
I carry a cane when I leave home. The clothes that don’t have pockets presents a unique problem. It is what to do with my car keys (fob, in this case). I always lock my car and if I do have pockets, I just put the fob in a pocket. However, if I don’t have pockets I have to stop to put it in my purse. I don’t like fumbling with keys and purse in a parking lot as you never know who is watching. I could carry them in my hand, but that is a bit problematic as I have the cane, the purse and the fob. Opening a door can be a bit of a challenge as not everyplace has automatic doors even though we are closing in on 30 years since the ADA was passed...
