I will start off by saying this will probably a be long and jumbled mess so, if you don't want to read it I completely understand. I have been working on this in my head for a week or so trying to think about the things I would like to say. I just hope it is not an unbearable amount of whining.
Like I said in my introduction post I came out in December of last year, the relief I felt was overwhelming, I no longer had to wait for Halloween or to go to an RHPS showing to dress up. I was ready to shout from the rooftops. I got myself some makeup and some nail polish and then some cute black camo leggings (they didn't have purple in my size meanies) I always had my Ms. Valintine (my nickname for my wife yes I am a Jennifer Tilly fan I wish I could sound like her) by my side for the trips to the store, but I still felt guilty inside buying clothing and makeup for me. It took a month to be able to put on my leggings around the house.
I spent my life hiding who I am, I love to laugh, I love to be silly. I tried to be that person who is larger than life, always accepting you for who you are, willing to talk to you about any and everything. Well, almost anything I draw the line at non-consensual sex, pedophilia, drinking, and driving, and harming people I consider to be my family, anything else you are okay in my book. Yet when it comes to seeing myself, well I see a huge pile o crap, ranking somewhere near pond scum. I feel so guilty being the real me. My friends and chosen family have accepted me but that little voice in my head says oh come on Necro you know better than that they are just all waiting for you to get to the punchline and when they see there really isn't one they'll all be gone and you'll be alone like you should be.
I have anxiety problems and they have gotten worse over the years but I have been a little better since coming out when I go to Walmart I have my eyes done up (badly still trying to get it right) but hidden behind my sunglasses. Today I had to run out real quick to get the mail and I almost ran out in my skirt I made it to the gate on my deck before it hit me I was in my skirt, and I ran back in to change and spent the next half hour crying about it. All I could think about is what if seeing me like this pissed someone off and they decide to cause problems what if they deface my house, what if they hurt my family, why couldn't you keep this to yourself, you are going to get them hurt.
I want so badly to go out as the real me, but I am so terrified that it will end up being too much for my friends and family or all the bad things that could happen. Some days I feel so so good and forget about all the problems and then like a ton of bricks they hit me and I can't do anything but think how many things could go wrong. Hell even now trying to get this out of me I have been writing and rewriting it for two hours. I just feel so stupid and pathetic, and would not blame one person for telling me to shut up and go back to hiding. I just feel like crying and crawling into bed and never coming out. I see myself when I shave and hate myself for not looking like a girl, for having so much hair everywhere but my head. I hate myself for not being the real me and lying to my friends and family for so many years. I hate myself for coming out and risking their safety if someone decides to be a jackass and go after them because of me. I hate that I can't even go out on my deck in the morning to have my first cup of coffee and watch the sunrise unless I am in my Icky outfit I hate myself more and more I don't know what to do. I want to be brave and know that it will get better but that little voice in the back of my head assures me that the train crash is coming and the real show will begin I am so tired I want to be free I want to be me I am so afrade.
Hi Halie, I came out 2020 to the world and my family, pretty much at the same time, the new who I wanted to be, I just decided one day I was sick and tired of hiding. It was hard I'm not going to lie I had a lot of the same fears, but that is all they were fears, mostly in my head, people will surprise you, You have to believe in yourself, for me I have had friends tell me that I look more com and happier then they have ever seen me.
If you want to talk just message me, I wish you all the best in this journey.
Huggs timmie
Halie,
I strongly think you need to seek a mental health professional right away. Call your local Woman's Health Clinic, they usually have a transgender specialist on staff. What you are doing is slowly killing yourself in order to appease others. Because of of this you are taking half, if not quarter measures towards yourself. Using an incremental method, always to at least partially please your perceived "jury", will ensure you never obtain the "self" & "happiness" you desire.
First: You need help of a professional psychologist that specializes transgender woman issues.
There is a concept called "medical necessity", where one's health is in danger without medical intervention. Your write-ups capture the essence of "medical necessity" quite clearly. Seek help and seek help soon.
Second: You are already describing "self-destructive" behaviors. What happens next? I was undoing my whole life in self-destructive behaviors, I was ruining my marriage, I was collapsing my finances, and I was dead inside. Maybe I was suicidal, but building towards it slowly. I could easily gone there.
I am out now. I have lost many long time friends that I guess weren't really friends. My wife is still undecided on leaving me or not. A local contractor that was going to perform some work on my home changed their mind on availability. EYES WIDE OPEN GIRL!! We can't make our local community tolerant, but we can stop being afraid. Let those that want to hate you, hate you. Let those that are willing to attempt to understand, take their time and learn. Let people that love you, love you!
Be smart, but don't be not-out! Don't go to Texas A&M, find a Cowboy Bar and do the Happy-Girl Dance! That is not smart.
Come all the way out to your neighbors, your primary care physician, your pharmacist, your postal office people, the people at UPS (all my girls clothes go to UPS).
Get help. Not just here, but from medical professionals. I have been all the way out for eight months now, and many people still don't really believe it; It doesn't matter... I believe it right down to my pink panties.
I HAVE HELP! THAT HELP HAS BEEN CRITICAL!! I WAS ON THE WAY TO BECOMING SUICIDAL!
Yes, my life is very different then it was eight months ago, but I am no longer dead inside, no longer suicidal, and I am happy to be me as I discover all that that me is.
I am Lukcia Patricia Sullivan
Halie:
While the human mind is an extraordinary machine that runs/controls a very complicated device (the human body), we must also be aware of how it functions.
For example, there is the concept of Flight or Fight. If we are in a burning building, we will run out unless there is some particular reason not to. The idea of assisting someone else is such a compelling reason that can get us to override our natural thinking. There is a shift in our thinking, in this case from an internal focus to an external one, but events have to conspire to bring about that shift.
When we have a difficult problem to deal with, our minds will often try to put it off or divert our attention to something else less threatening. This is one way in which procrastination occurs. As long as our attention is diverted, we don't have to consider something that can potentially be a source of a lot of stress. Our minds will usually default to whatever will cause the least stress. The way a therapist works is to recognize what it is that you are trying not to think about and work to gently keep your mind focused on what has been avoided. We know what it is that we need to think about, but often we just can't bring ourselves to do it. That's why we need someone else to help.
Sadly, I fear that you will remain stuck where you are unless something happens that will allow you to thoughtfully consider what's happening for you and how to move forward. It is infinitely better to approach this in the near term and defuse the situation by dealing with it rather than doing something destructive later. The analogy is treating a disease in an early stage rather than having to move heaven and earth to treat a much more serious situation later.
https://www.pride214.com/
Click on MEDICAL and then COUNSELING
https://dallasgaycounselor.com/transgender-affirming-counseling/lor.com/resources/
Also, I have a friend in Dallas that you could talk to. After many difficult years she transitioned several years ago. Let me know if you would like to do that.
Get started...
First, let me say I apologize for my rant and the way it comes off especially to people who do not know me. I am looking for a therapist I can afford and work with.
Ms. DeeAnn, yes please I would love to talk to ANYONE who is willing to talk to me who has been down this road, that is why I am here, and the closer they are to me the better honestly.
Ms. Lukcia, sweetie if you ever find me in an Aggy bar know that one of two things has happened 1. I have been kidnaped or 2. the world has ended. Hook 'em Horns 😉
Ms. Timmie thank you so much for reaching out.
I needed all of you I thank all of you.
This tread started out with the idea of I needed to get this all out of my head and journaling for someone with dysgraphia and dyslexia is bad because when we put pen to paper it ends up looking that the Zodiac wrote and even I can't read it. But also I wanted to hear the hey you are not alone I have been there, as well as maybe if it is okay use this to layout my journey from icky Irishman to mouthy Irish Girl or dare I dream Goddess (sorry if it offends someone but I like Girl more than Woman it sounds better to me).
So the story continues last night was date night. We are both gamer girls that in fact is how we met was playing Star Wars: The Old Republic so our date nights are we pick something to eat and then spend the evening watching binge-watching a telly show (currently Under the Dome) or me subjecting her to bad bad movies like Hobo with a shotgun or Nude Nuns with Big Guns or Toxic High, oh and who could forget Zom-Beavers and cuddling. So anyway last night Tiffany wanted Firehouse Subs so we went placed our order and the kid behind the counter asked for a name for the order. I locked up I finally said the ick name after a very noticeable pause. We went home ate watched Under the Dome.
The whole time I am sitting there this thread is playing over and over in my head as well as the name thing in Firehouse. We ended up in the shower as we do and we're talking and all of a sudden I broke I cried I screamed I hate myself she grabbed me held me until I calmed down, we talked a bit more about what happened she told me if I want to use her name for stuff like that I can so I don't have to use my icky name she does not want me to hide to protect her, she wants me to be me and if I don't want If bad things happen they happen and we will figure it out.
So I woke up this morning made my coffee checked my email and saw I had replied, and again it has taken me more than an hour to write this because I want to get it right and I don't want to make Ms. Vos have to work more than I am sure I will since I use all the words and don't think before I open my mouth or in this case type. So I am here the start of this thread and last night was rock bottom.
So as of 15, May 2021 Eric I thank you for being my shield for 40 years, but it is time I stood up on my own two legs. I know there will be some bad days coming, but you can not have good without bad. I will not retreat I will not surrender, no matter how scared I get. William Congreve said Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, well he never saw a pissed off Irish Girl. I may cry I may yell and scream but I will not go back to hiding behind you Eric, I am Halie Quinn here I come world ready or not because I damn sure am. I can not and will not go back to hiding if I do then I will never be able to make it.
Again thank you all for your support I am not going anywhere and I do hope you don't mind my pity parties from time to time. I am a mess but I will get there, with help, and I am glad you are all here to lend that help.
Halie
Oh Halie Quinn,
The hard part is over now! It took forever for me to declare: "I am Lukcia!". Things started falling into place from then-on. I am on estrogen therapy, and the two "stop-the-balls" drugs, but I found that I cried a lot. Crying became critical to my approaching the prior 67 years (I wish only 40).
I just got back from the supermarket in my small home town where almost everybody knows almost everybody. I wore a short pink patterned skirt with a deep pink sleeveless-T, plus a oversized white shirt called a boyfriend shirt. My legs were freshly shaved, my nails polished with pink and glitter. I walked up and down the aisles, did my shopping and then checked out. It was so liberating, but it took a little time to get there.
I had to go to my town office the other day to have my official change-of-name documents notarized. They all know me...I have lived here in the same house for 22 years. They were professional and accepting (that is actually their job).
Halie: Take your time and find your truths. Become Halie more and more every day, every good cry, every "Stepping Out".
Lukcia
Two brave things today one I am sitting in my nightgown on my deck having coffee I am on my second pot and neighbors be damned if they don't like it it is my deck they shouldn't be looking over here anyway. Number two I changed my profile pic first time in 18+ years I have let a photo of me show up online and first-ever as Halie
DeeAnn, Timmie and Lukcia
Thank you for your kind words during my meltdown. I know I am a crazy girl getting all that crap out of my head and on paper or a form helps me deal with it I know it sounds like the rant of someone who is about to go over the edge. If I don't put it out there then I can't get mad and fight and I have to fight. I have to be me. You gave me the courage to post my profile pic. That is the first photo of the real me ever. You gave me hope that someone out there other than my friends and family could give a damn about me. And thanks to this place I have been able to make it to my deck in the morning to have my coffee and watch the sun come up as me.
I am setting goals for myself every day some are small some are big but I have to start someplace to get out from hiding I just can not anymore. Saturday in Firehouse subs was the last day I will deny who I am. I needed apples today for a pie so I made myself put on my eyeliner and went to Walmart and did not let myself wear my sunglasses into the store. I did it alone because my wife was at work and I really wanted to have an apple pie for her when she gets home. I was so afraid but I kept hearing you three telling me I could do it along with Tim Curry singing Sweet Transvestite. I went in and bought my apples and left when I got back in my car I cried and realized just running in to buy a bushel of apples took me 45 minutes. I am still so freaking scared but I did a little something and that is better than nothing right? I am still trying to find a shrink to help me but really ladies thank you ever so much.
Peace, love, and hugs
Halie
P.S. Ms.DeeAnn I want your lipstick
