I finally got up the nerve to meet with a psychologist yesterday. She is highly recommended and indicated that she is experienced in working with transgender women...although none as old as I am. She seemed like a very nice person but she seemed uncomfortable with the subject matter. Â As I told her my story and my life long desire to become the woman God created me to be, I felt something like disapproval. Â It was like she would work with me on coping with the disintegration I have lived for 64 years, but transitioning was a different matter.
Maybe it was me, it is hard being totally open with someone...psychologist or not. Maybe it was everything being dumped on her all at once. Maybe she was simply having a bad day. Maybe it was simply because it was our first session. Whatever the reason/s, I left her office really disappointed and concerned.
At any rate, I will do a few more sessions with her and see where we stand.
Has anyone else had a similar experience when they started therapy?
God’s Peace,
Dawn
Today has been a struggle. I think it is the hangover from my disappointment in my session with my psychologist yesterday. I haven’t felt very feminine today…and I haven’t felt very happy with who I am. I don’t know that I can spend the rest of my life in this box. I don’t know that I can continue to play the part that I have been assigned. But, at the same time, I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life, free of the box, as the woman God created me to be, but irreparably hurting and potentially losing my kids and grandkids. I so want to do HRT, electrolysis, facial feminization surgery, and GRS. I so want to look at myself in the mirror and see the Dawn that I have always been. But can I risk giving up everything that means anything to me to achieve that end?
I'm really sorry that your session did not go well. I would cancel the remaining appointments. Maybe ask yourself why do you need to talk to a therapist.  Are you looking for permission? Do you need advice on how to transition?
I found finding a support group to be a lot more beneficial. I don't know where you live or your access to a LGBT center. If you can go to one, I would do that instead. If you still want or need to talk to a therapist, they can give better references than the one that you talked to.
As for my personal experience with a therapist, I was dealing with severe depression. So, I finally broke down and schedule an appointment. Something came up, and I had to postpone the appointment. I told them that I had an unexpected bill to pay. So, when I saw the therapist. He just sat there and didn't ask me any questions. At the end, he just told me that I wasn't rich enough to afford being depressed. Needless to say, I did not have a positive experience. If only I had a better therapist, I could have came out ten years before I did.
I've found that a lot of people that go into psychology or similar fields do it for the wrong reasons. They do it to feel superior to their patients, or they do it because they are trying to solve their own problems. Very few actually go into the field to help people. It's important to find the ones that are doing it for the right reason, and find one that is working with you in a productive manner. I've been through so many counselors I can't count them all and I have only recently found one that is supportive and getting results. You probably just found a psychologist that is not a good fit for you or is doing it for the wrong reasons. Finding a good psychologist is unfortunately a trial and error process and takes some time. Don't give up, and keep looking until you find the right one. And most importantly, don't blame yourself for your psychologists behavior. It's not you. It was just a poor fit. It's not something that should discourage you. A million failures will come before success, but when success comes, it will be so worth it. And remember, you haven't really failed until you've given up. So don't give up and you won't fail. We've got your back, so hang in there.
Hi Jaime!
Thanks for your thoughts.
I am sorry you had such a horrible experience with your therapist. I hope you reported him to the Board. Someone like that really shouldn’t be in practice!
As for me, I don’t think that I am seeking permission. It is really a matter of seeking an objective opinion in what is the most momentous decision I will ever make. That and professional guidance on where I go from here...referrals, etc.
There is one Support Group in my area but it seems more LGBQ focused with the T kind of floating out there. For the moment, I plan on continuing to walk the path before me...but warily!
God’s Peace,
Dawn
Dawn,
My first experience with my main therapist went well. They basically wanted to hear my story, get to know me, hear my reasons for transitioning (I had already socially transitioned full-time) and hear my reasons for desiring medical transition. They informed me a little more about how medical transition could go, too. My therapist acted as a gatekeeper. At the time I needed their consent, which I gave to my medical doctor, to begin HRT. I also needed a letter from them and another therapist to get consent for my orchiectomy about a year later. I did have troubles like you did with my first medical doctor who could've given me HRT. She was very disapproving, warned me it'd just be full of pain for me to transition, and denied my HRT and overall my medical transition.
It's been difficult to find myself sometimes. Are the therapist, doctors and others correct when they deny us our very selves? I would say no. Absolutley not actually. You're thinking of transitioning and having to possibly lose everything and everyone important to you in the process. Yes, it could happen. No, it may not happen. I've lost quite a lot of money, loved ones, friends, opportunities and legal rights, protections and the future reasonably seems less bright. For me, it was worth it. This is the road not only God gave me but one that I realized I was on and chose to be public about it. It is a hard road. One of the hardest actually. The wins of being fully oneself have made me extremely happier with myself. My partner, Joan, has noticed my smiles are bigger and more meaningful, I exude a bright radiance and there's nothing in their mind that indicates my transition was a mistake. It's a personal choice. I prayed about it for years before I was given the go ahead from Dad.
If you choose to transition...I hope you make excellent plans for your personal welfare. Research the laws, local, state, federal and worldwide, plan your finances, talk with loved ones, all of those types of things. I hope for the best for you!
Warmly,
Dasia
Thank you Dasia...
Both for your advice and for sharing a bit of your story. I have to ask, where do you get your strength from? Your journey has been a difficult one...I guess they all are. But I see so much strength and determination in your words. While I have struggled with the woman inside me all my life, I guess I have never seriously believed that setting her Free was an option. Now that I see that, I am struggling to find the wherewithal to let her become my external as well as my internal reality.
Quite frankly, while there is nothing that I desire more...the process is terrifying.
God’s Peace,
Dawn
You’re welcome, Dawn!
My strength comes from my answered prayers, my partner’s unwavering love for me and I’ve seen Braveheart a few times, lol. Seriously, my family and culture had me trapped inside for 39 years and 20 years past when I was ready to come out and play. I’m ravenous and fierce about my life. I would suggest finding your support and then jump in. The waters warm...
Best,
Dasia
