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I feel like I’m losing myself

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Posts: 17
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Topic starter
(@josieangel)
Eminent Member     United States of America, Kentucky
Joined: 3 years ago

 

Background:  I am MTF.  I have known I was trans for over a decade now.  I am closeted and only get to be my true self at home (at night, on weekends, at safe events with friends, etc).

 

My chronic migraines got worse in September and led to a deeper depression.  I began to feel like, “If I’m always going to be in this much physical pain, I’ll never be able to do the things I want with my life including transitioning.”  It’s probably the closest I’ve ever come to detransitioning and giving up on the feminine part of myself.

 

Since then, I’ve done very little to nurture the feminine part of myself outside of listening to romantic novels on Audible and listening to feminine music.  A transgender retreat that I would usually sign up for in a heartbeat is coming up in April and I’m probably not going to go because my heart is just not in it.  (I’m not completely sure what is holding me back.  Depression is part of it.  And fears about prejudice in the current political climate.)  I haven’t practiced make-up in months.  I never dress up anymore.  (With my ADD, I forget to do it when I get home.)

 

There’s a perfectionism tied up in my gender presentation.  (It may be part of my gender dysphoria.). Like, I don’t accept myself as feminine unless I’m shaved, made up, dressed up, etc.  Like fully presenting as female.  But it takes so much planning and prep (shaving, etc).   It helps if I have a certain event to go to en femme.  A play, a support meeting, a movie, a party, etc.  It’s actually on the calendar and sort of forces me to get into girl mode.

 

Over the past few years, I was going to movies and events as my female self.  I did things like having a photo shoot done and getting some really beautiful photos of myself out of it.  I was loving myself, having fun, and living life.

 

Now, I am skipping events I would usually femme up for.  Or going in boy mode.  I don’t want to let my girlfriend do my makeup and I don’t know why.  Being en femme for a week in April sounds like a lot of work.  All the prep and maintenance required.

 

I just don’t know how to honor my female self and recapture that joy and momentum.  I feel like I’m not fighting for her and I hate that.  Looking for any suggestions or advice including the things that bring you joy/gender euphoria.  (I try to give my feminine self at least 30 min a day but that’s just been audiobooks for a long time.)

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Bronze
(@airlinkgirl)
Joined: 3 years ago

Active Member     United States of America, Michigan, Ann Arbor
Posts: 13

@josieangel 

Hi Josie!

I truly feel bad for your situation and I understand how one can feed off of the other.

I was wondering about your migraines and if you had been under any medical care for them?  And if so, had you said anything to your doctor about the depression that it brings on?  The migraines may be caused by something that a doctor can help with.  And if you are seeing a therapist, had you mentioned any of these issues to the therapist?  Now I'm just kind of shooting in the dark here because I don't know what you may have been doing with treatment so far. But professional help may be the best answer to help get you back to being you! Let us know how it goes and please take care! We, and I want to see you succeed! Good luck with this!  Steffanie

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Silver
(@josieangel)
Joined: 3 years ago

Eminent Member     United States of America, Kentucky
Posts: 17

@airlinkgirl, Hi! I have a neurologist I love for the headaches.  We are having trouble getting insurance to approve the good meds sadly.  

i do have a therapist.  I jus changed therapists.  She understands that honoring the Josie part of me is one of my major goals.  

she is helping me work towards being able fi live out of the closet. 

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Member
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member     Canada, Ontario, Renfrew
Posts: 179

@josieangel Josie, have you talked with your family doctor about those migraines? There are lots of things that can help these days.  I came out in 2010. Prior to that, being done up to the nines was absolutely necessary. Today, I never see a day go by that does not have me in something fem. Dressing to the hilt happens maybe once a week. My being fem is internal, not external. I don’t need clothing, makeup, etc to feel fem. That feeling is present 24/7. So even if I don’t look female, I feel and am female inside. Make any sense?

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Silver
(@josieangel)
Joined: 3 years ago

Eminent Member     United States of America, Kentucky
Posts: 17

@jillleanne , yes it does.  Thank you

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Posts: 565
(@terria67)
Honorable Member     United States of America, California
Joined: 6 years ago

Hi Josie,

( Love that name)

I can only relate my own experiance in this area.

I have been presenting myself as female for nearly 8 years.

The last 2, I have not bothered to get fully made up every day.  Yet, I'm lucky in that I am always in feminine clothing.

I know exactly what you have written about as to getting ready and not feeling like you are 'good' enough when not all 'put together.'

Yet, I still maintain some semblence of femininity, even if only the clothing or earings or attempted femm voice.[the key there is keep it soft].

So even though I cannot pass as female I still enjoy whatever I can muster together to carry on.

I am no longer concerned about other's opinions when I am out. People are nealy always concerned about themselves anyway.

I think, Because I am no longer apprehensive people I encounter, just either don't bother to mention it or accept me as is. At least that is my thinking on that.

Kindly wishing you well, 🤗 ❤️ 

Terri Anne

 

 

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Silver
(@josieangel)
Joined: 3 years ago

Eminent Member     United States of America, Kentucky
Posts: 17
Posts: 133
(@mustangtoni)
Estimable Member     United States of America, Florida, Tampa
Joined: 9 months ago

Hey Josie  I have been full time for several months now  I seem to pass as someone’s grandma  I hope you get your health issues  figured out  it’s nice we all have support here when we go through rough times. Big hugs to you 

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1 Reply
Silver
(@josieangel)
Joined: 3 years ago

Eminent Member     United States of America, Kentucky
Posts: 17

@mustangtoni, thank you!  Hugs!

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