Maybe you've experienced it, too; the cycle of euphoria and doubts. When that feeling of unease and doubt and insecurity rise up to hijack my euphoria, I wonder what is causing that.
I know there's that "internalized transphobia" ever lurking. It gets smaller and smaller, but there are remnants waiting on the periphery. But aside from that, there's something else.
This morning I was thinking on this conundrum and came to a realization; the uneasy doubts arise when I think about other people. What happened, what could happen, what it means for my future.... As Mark Twain says (paraphrased) "I've suffered the pain of thousands of terrible events, and a few of them happened in reality. The rest I made up in my head."
The doubts that give me misgivings and self-esteem downers start with concerns about what others will say, do, or think. Not what is happening inside of me. When I am uncluttered by the imaginings of unspoken conversations, I am free to feel the authentic truth of my identity, swim in the joy of expressing this, and no longer feeling the need, obsession, or obligation to compensate for my feminine nature with masculine behaviors.
With this new information, I am armed with a simple litmus test; When I'm thinking about my gender identity, is it about me or is it about them?
If it's them, that's fear.
If it's me, it's love.
Does this make sense for you? Does it apply for you? If not, what have you found true?
Hugs Hugs Hugs,
Lawren
Lawren, I really liked what you are saying here and that quote from Mark Twain, I have live most of my life
worrying about everything, well thought it everything.
Now that I living in this new life for the past 8 mo. it was really a lot less to worry about.
Thank you for shearing your thought and feelings.
Bigg Huggs
timmie
You’ve said it beautifully.
The work of Eckhart Tolle has been of great benefit to me these last few years for much the same reason, even before I faced up to myself as transgender.
A very insightful piece Lawren. The root of why we question ourselves resides in human nature, in my opinion. It is engrained within us at an early age that we must fit into society, learn to function within it and be accepted by it's norms. People are afraid of the things they do not understand, and so they try to fight against it , they challenge it.
Lucky for us, we live in an age where society is becoming more and more accepting of things that are different. Heck, it's even encouraged. However, this does not stop the outliers from being there. There will always be people that bring us down, but there will always be people who fight by our sides. It took me a while to see it at first but my closest friends brought me to this realisation.
I try not to let those thoughts run free in my head, however we are only human and we want happiness, love and acceptance above all else.
