The first step, telling yourself

Hi Cloe,

I would say that my moment was 3 months ago. Before the beginning of June going back some 51 years I didn’t think about whether I was like the other boys in school. I just knew I liked Mom’s pretty panties and hose. During puberty I knew I wasn’t like the other guys and I kept hidden my propensity for dressing in women’s lingerie until my parents found my stash. So I just hid my lingerie better and dressed when nobody was home through the military time I closed the door and through my two marriages it was a covert mission to dress when I can.

Back in 2010 after my separation and consequent divorce I joined a different crossdressing site which did not talk much about transitioning or transgender as it was geared towards crossdressing. There was not much help or support at that site and I left it then didn’t think about my future at all through a new marriage which was going absolutely wonderful. Until March of this year when I started having some stranger dreams than normal all with me as a woman and being with my wife.

In May I decided to research about crossdressing, cause and effect , which led to transgender and what was involved. I questioned my gender and it stayed at the forefront of my mind the whole month. At the beginning of June I came to the conclusion that I needed to talk with my wife and at the same time my feminine name came to me. So the discussion was about the future of Danielle. Needless to say my wife was caught so off guard with the topic but more than that. I had a feminine name for myself. This discombobulated her to the point that our discussion was a full blown argument without the yelling just her with a lot of tears as me scared to death and not knowing what to do and where to turn. She started counseling that week.

Enter CDH!!!  During my research I stumbled upon CDH and read a few articles and posts. I was totally blown away! I told myself out loud - “This site has it’s 💩 together “ how informative this site is and how supportive this site is. No judgment no slander no questioning of who you are. Just acceptance and support. This must be Nirvana (a place of joy with no pain)! I joined, paid for membership, and started reading, making friends, posting and asking questions. It took me less than a week to realize that I am transgender!

In June a week after our discussion I was insensitive again and asked questions of my wife about breasts and how it felt to have them. When they jiggled and the feeling when she be bent over with and without a bra. She was defensive and emotionally pulled away from me. A few days later she asked me why I asked that question and I was honest with her. Not my best month to date here! I told her that I wanted hormone therapy so I can grow breasts. She shut down and just cried and cried. Later in the week we had a very candid talk. I sent her articles on crossdressing and gender dysphoria to read a couple days earlier on the day she shut down. I kept letting her know that I love her and didn’t want to lose her this whole time through today. Did I want to become a woman, was her first question, and my answer was I don’t know yet. Did I want hormone therapy, I do. She then walked away. I guess she had to do some thinking. The next day we had another talk and she was not sure she wanted to stay married. I lost my composure and cried then she cried. It was not a good day as we avoided each other and the next day was a Monday which meant work and a whole day of worrying for me and questioning at home for her.

During the next week June ended, we had a truce of sorts, and we celebrated our 6th anniversary of marriage. June was not one of our best months and that was the “warts and all” month. I have good days where my mind is normal, lol as normal as I am which is - NOT, and others are bad and I am melancholy and in a deep funk. I am now in counseling and tomorrow is my second appointment. We have not really talked much about my future and where to go. My decision at this time is to be patient and with both of us in counseling she may be accepting of me and hormone therapy. Baby steps! The end goal is to either be married or living as close friends until the teaching year is over with me transitioning, but that is another day and another story. TTFN💋👠 with love ❤️ and hugs 🤗

Danielle

Cloe, thank you for this question / thought, "warts and all". As I sat here in thought about how to answer this it dawned on me so clearly.

I vacillate. Vacillation is that big wart in the center of my heart and I suspect until it is removed it will keep me locked away in the closet.

I vacillate between the longing to be a woman and owning the truth that I am a woman. Like a pendulum I swing to one extreme (as I have been writing in various posts here) "I AM A WOMAN" to, "Oh how I long to be a woman."

Even when I write, "I am a woman" tickling me in the back of my mind is the thought, "no you're not; you just want to be a woman." And I suspect that to endure the long hard rode of transition I must have more than longing for womanhood; I must have deep conviction that I am truly the woman who through the transition process is seeking for the world to know me as I know myself. i.e. transition is the means of showing to the world who you already know yourself to be.

Vascillation doesn't mar the truth that I am gender dydphoric; but it does make very ugly the decisiveness to do anything about it. (Except to continue to repress my inner self)

Hypothetically, let's remove the wart. What do I see? Longing or being? Being, I am a woman.

Perhaps that's why I am here. For surgery; removal of the wart which distorts my clear vision of self and thereby keeps the world from truly knowing me also.

Charrie, not making assumptions here, but have you considered whether you are gender fluid?  Find yourself first.  Surgery is such a permanent change.

Cloe, truly I do appreciate your reading my reply thoughtfully.

Gender fluid - I will have to discover what that means before I say "yeah" or ""nay". Shared insights like yours are one of the gems that I perceive will come my way to enrich my journey; to add clarity to it, to remove the "wart" if you will. Perhaps I am this "gender fluid", perhaps I am . . . ??

I understand surgery is permanent, just as declaring my own womanhood and commitment to transition will permanently impact my life. So perhaps at this time my "wart" is a blessing in disguise there to check shallow uniformed declarations and unwise decisions.

Cloe, though we only recently became acquainted your care and concern for me is treasured. Thank you.

Hugs,

Charrie.

Charlene, I meant to come back to this earlier.  I hope you've had time to look up the meaning, but I know that many of those who ascribe to being genderfluid had just as much thought and introspection as I have to being a convergent woman, which is a topic too big for this reply.
Just know it was through praying the right prayer to God that I found my release to explore who I am and  do something about it.  Far too long my request was to have this need taken away.  When I finally just said "this is me, this is who I am, now what?  Do what you will" that I got the immediate answer of "you'll be OK", instead of silence.
My now ex-wife and I tried for 3 years to make it work and eventually went through a slow, but meaningful and patient divorce.  It gave us time to process what each others hearts were and to separate emotionally without destroying each other.  It takes caring hearts for that to happen.  It wasn't all peaches and cream in the least.  Our divorce was final Dec 18.  Seven days later she sent me a Merry Christmas note.

Hi Danielle,

Your thoughts are a comforting mixture of heart warming and exciting.

I wish you and you wife much wisdom, love, patience, and peace as you work together through this blossoming of your life into a fuller person.

Cloe, like a cup of hot coco warms my body, so you warm my soul. I guess that makes you a hot coco friend. 🙂

Thank you for your suggestion and follow up about gender fluidity. Based on what I have read and watched on the subject I would say, "nay." Such a mindset / understanding does not resonate with me in the least.

Without doubt my deep Biblical faith sets binary boundaries for me which I do not mind. My conflict is understanding how to live in peace with the reality that biologically I am male while heartedly embracing despite my faith that  my soul is deeply feminine.

I believe the soul is a combination of mind, will, and emotions unique to each individual thus making each of the billions of people on this planet special in their uniqueness.  And as I critically examine each of my soul's "components" I always come back to the realization that I am deeply and stubbornly female.

So stubbornly female that I don't want this part of me gone. I want it embraced and intregated seamlessly into my life as a whole person.  I simply want to embrace who I am as a woman while being tasked to live as a male.  HA! - to be sure there is nothing "simply" about that assignment. However I know now Gender-fluid is not the answer to my conflict. Thank you for making me think, thereby coming to an understanding.

So I am still searching. Or is that just a smoke screen for my wart that I identified as vacillation at the beginning of this conversation?

Hugs & blessings

Charrie