It is interesting as we begin to travel down this road. I carry myself differently... a bit more sway in my step, a bit better posture, arms closer, and not quite as large of a stride... with regards to my image... yes, I am still living mostly as a male, but I do see hints of mikayla even in "man-mode"...
Good for you! We're in this together, girl...
When I look in the mirror I see a woman who wants to be herself. When I am looking at my other self it’s almost as if it’s a stranger is looking back. I don’t like the hair on the face. I don’t like the look without makeup. I immediately what to improved her appearance.
Once the makeup is on and the woman is looking back at me, life feels right. When I go out into the world as Annie, I am calmer, patient, and cautious. I think as a woman thinks because that is who I am. I’m careful in parking lots. I stay where it well lite and people are around. I walk with smaller steps and am more purposeful with my movements. My purse is protected. My phone is In my hand. The womanly insecurities are with me. They protect me.
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I have accepted that I am trans, but I’m a nervous wreck about surgery, hormones, clothing, makeup, hair, and God only knows what else!!!
Is it possible to accept yourself as transsexual and not do any of these? I have a friend, and a partner that have been very helpful, but I can’t rely on them indefinitely.
Can I go through life looking like a man, but feeling like a woman? I know inside that I am a woman. I don’t really care what other people think. I don’t want to go through the things I mention above just to make a statement to other people. I can come here and hide behind an Avatar which represents who I see inside. Inside I am a vivacious young woman that is outgoing and fun.
💕Nicole
Interesting, and I can see how that must be helpful to know you can still express your femme side without everything else. Yesterday, my dysphoria was kicking really, really hard, and I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. All that stuff you say is scary, but there are some days when I feel the need to go there. Just being the avatar isn't cutting it...
My feelings, exactly, Nicole.
When I look in the mirror at my male self, I'm not happy with that guy looking back at me. But, as myself, I’m very happy with the way I’m looking. Very depressing to go back to male mode. I easily “pass” in public-- as a woman 20 years younger than my true age. I look & feel younger when I’m me. When I exercise, for some reason, I feel stronger & more energetic as myself. Many people, who have seen me or pictures of me, say that I look better as a woman than I do as a man. I have to agree. There was a time, when seeing myself in the mirror & expressing as my inner woman, that it sexually stimulated me. But now, it gives me more of a feeling of joy & satisfaction– like this feels right & it’s who I should be.
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When I look in the mirror I see Nicole looking back. Particularly since I haven’t had a hair cut since last March. I want to continue letting it grow out. I think that is good enough for me, at least for the time being.
💕 Nicole
