I don't think it's weird at all. You're just accepting what you know. I'm on that path too. I have gotten to the point where I'm kind of 90% presenting as female, but I still have that 10% of the time I have to present as male for various reasons. Even during those times I still see myself as female, even if I have to outwardly present as male. I think I have primed myself to look for my feminine attributes at all times, because I know that ultimately those will be what define me as I get closer to that magical day when I can go full 100% to who I already know I am.
I have begun to see myself as more feminine, even when in drab. I can visualize myself as Haley, and in the evenings when we sit in bed and 😎 I enjoy looking down at my long, thin, smooth, tan legs and feet. For some reason, it is easy to see those legs leading up to Haley’s body. Weird? Narcissistic?
Haley😘
from time to time I will catch a glimpse of myself and for a split second see the girl trapped inside but for the most part no when I look in the mirror I don't which has made me even harder on myself about getting my makeup right. I am hoping to get my makeup skills up to par and maybe that will help but for now, I put on my makeup and just want to put on Wild Horses and cry. I know she is trapped in there I feel her, I hear her, I just can not see her.
I could of written exactly what you wrote here because that is how I feel too.
I know who I am but I am a bit scared on moving forward. (1 month on HRT)
The only reason I am afraid to move forward is because of what my family will think. Although I want to do this.
What my friends think, I don't care because friends come and go...
I have absolutely began experiencing this and it is magical.
Self love and acceptance has been such an alien concept to me for so long I am positively addicted to it now. (Sure beats all the other coping mechanisms I’ve tried)
I'm not on HRT, yet, and I get what you're saying. I'm lucky that I don't have a particularly masculine face and sometimes I look in the mirror and I think I can see feminine me. It gives me such a rush. Other times I look in the mirror and my brain is like "who do you think you're kidding?"
I totally get the whole mirror thing. For as long as I can remember, looking in a mirror was just wrong. For years i refused to do it. Entire bathroom trips with my head down. I never knew why. Oddly, I never thought to ask why. I hated looking in mirrors because I had low self esteem. Why low self esteem? Never thought to ask. I grew up in an enmeshed household so it was fit in or be the outcast. Everytime I told my parents about myself it didn't go well. No your not was all I heard about everything. I wasn't allowed to have my own identity. So, now that I've started transition and while wearing pink I see ME in the mirror...yet I still have my parent's voice in my head saying NO YOU'RE NOT. My solution is to counter it with objective facts:
I've never taken myself seriously as an adult. I'm 39. I always felt like an incomplete person. Presenting as a woman...I feel like a complete serious adult. It's amazing! I'm a whole person! I see ME in the mirror! In public I was always aware of the whole room, scanning to see if anyone was staring at me because as a half-person I felt goofy. Presenting as a woman...I'm aware of the people around me so as to not run into them, but I could care less if they're staring. It was all because I didn't take myself seriously and was projecting. The first few times in public presenting as a woman I watched everyone around me as I passed and never knew how much everyone minded their own business. I was afraid they were staring while living as a man. Its AMAZING how much your perception of yourself affects your perception of the world around you. I've gotten a couple of second glances but they always went back to their own business like "what did I just see?... ...Oh, never mind." And I've gotten two genuine, unsolicited compliments from strangers in public while presenting as a woman. It's like the universe is saying you go girl! And the sense of calm I get from presenting as female. Is this how most people live? Not as a mess of anxiety? Life is awesome. Also, the less I fear being judged by others, the less I judge myself internally. And the feeling of being complete. Its like my soul is forever embraced in an eternal hug from the universe. I caught my reflection in my phone screen while looking something up a few hours ago and it was awesome. It was genuine. Im more outgoing and have tapped into a sense of empathy I long ago locked away in grade school. Love yourself and loving others is that much easier. I always knew I had female emotions so I hid most of them away. All the lists of what your emotions will be like on estrogen...mine are somewhat like that now. And...the best part...the only thing I'm hiding now...is my social security number, lol I even see myself when I'm not presenting so much as a woman...its the woman I never knew I always was.
Once I added all that up...the no your not voice was like...well, damn, maybe you are. Yeah, maybe, lol
Hi, Hillary. Thank you so much for what you shared. I can relate to what you've written. I've spent most of my life avoiding looking at myself. I still don't look at my face any more than I have to, but I am looking at what I'm wearing when I become Autumn. A LOT. Every time I use the bathroom I end up admiring what I'm wearing. It makes me feel good about myself, this is really the only time in my life that I've actually taken an interest in clothing. I have this tight pink top that I've fallen in love with. Every time I put it on...it just feels right. I am now always wearing a bra and breast forms when I'm at home. My toenails are always painted, legs shaved, and I LOVE wearing leg warmers, I seem to prefer a more 80s kind of style. Don't know why, it just seems more like me...or Autumn I guess I should say. I wear lipstick, and I watch myself in the mirror as I apply it, but right now lipstick is more about how it feels than looks. I just like feeling it on my lips, I don't have to look at it. Does that make sense? The feeling of something more than appearance? The feeling of what I'm wearing, too, that's also become something I love. Looking down at my pink toenails right now and feeling very happy.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. Hugs.
Autumn
