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When you look in the mirror...

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Posts: 30
(@missbatwoman)
Eminent Member     United States of America, Nebraska, Omaha
Joined: 3 years ago

When I'm dressing I always make sure it0s socially acceptable (and that leaves a lot of latitude far as specifics go) and it makes me feel amazing. I once read an article where a ciswoman was explaining that she dresses in what makes her feel good and basically it just so happens to be what some people find attractive. Ots a funny thing clothes. Mens jeans always felt lik a a diaper on me. I have a pair of women's jeans that I wear daily and a pair of men's jeans I haven't gotten rid of yet. The mens jeans fit me slightly better, but the woman's jeans feel sooooo much better...because they were made for my j
Gender. Imagine going out in public wearing an entire Goth outfit with ghost white makeup and all. It's socially acceptable but ridiculous for daily attire...that's how mens clothing felt to me. It was like everyone expected me to wear a clown costume all day. Oh, and in men's jeans I was a boys 14 (or relaxed 12). I'm 39. And shirts were small adult. In women's clothing I wear adult jeans. And not even the smallest size. I have a small frame. 5'4" and about 140lbs. Before I knew I was transgender I always wished I was taller and more of man's man with woman chasing me. After realizing I was transgender I actually imagined myself in the body of that man. Is that me? God no. I thought I was a man. As a man I'm not much of a specimen. But guess what... I'm not a man. As a woman...which I am...Im more of what I should be. I just think of myself as an unfinished woman. Some women have more masculine frames. Mine isnt very masculine. Some women are a bit more masculine. I'm not very masculine, but I have my moments. I've made my peace with that. If butch women are a thing then why can't I be...but I still love little pink frilly things...soft butch? Futch? Butch femme? Oh, butch and femme are like gender...a spectrum. Awesome. That's when I stopped feeling bad that I'm not a girly girly but but to girly to be full butch. Dressing as a man around the time just before I came out (like the last year or so before I did) always made me feel like stone butch. I'm in mens clothing. Why do I feel...can a man be butch? Then one day it hit me. What am I doing? A man be bunch. I'd first have to be a man. Then I had the stop wishing I was a woman and just admit I am one so I can do something about it already. And here I am. I'm working on a wardrobe that was made for my gender. Which reminds me of what I told my best friend. Being transgender...a large part of it is the clothes. You finally get to wear clothes made for you...that validate you snd make you happy. But being transgender is also so, so much more. Clothes are just a huge part of it.

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Posts: 51
Member
(@autumn)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Tennessee, Knoxville
Joined: 4 years ago

Being transgender…a large part of it is the clothes. You finally get to wear clothes made for you…that validate you snd make you happy. But being transgender is also so, so much more. Clothes are just a huge part of it...Thank you for sharing this. Wearing what feels good, the clothing that makes me feel like the real me. I can relate to so much of what you've written. Thank you.

 

Hugs

 

Autumn

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Posts: 160
Member
(@charlenev)
Reputable Member     United States of America, Illinois, near Chicago
Joined: 4 years ago

Thank you Alexis for sharing your experience. When I read your story I thought, "this is too weird."

I spend most of my on line girl time at our sister site, CDH. Last week I wrote about personally experiencing the same epiphany.

At this point my femme time is early in the morning before my wife awakes. Expression is limited more to subtle female activities then dressing. One such activity is my facial care routine. Cleansing, anti-aging cream, moisturizer etc. Often I finish with a spritz of Burberry Weekend perfume and an application of a light muted red lipstick so I can leave a lip imprint around the rim of my coffee cup as I drink my morning flexor prior to my wife’s awakening. Breathing the scent of the perfume and seeing that tell tale sign of my lipstick on the rim of my coffee cup while sitting alone thinking girl thoughts is very satisfying. It helps me manage my dysphoria.

I have successfully dieted to rid myself of my male gut. Unfortunately the dieting has also thinned my face. Looking in the mirror a thin older man’s face looks back at me. I am resigned to the truth that no amount of work will ever make my face look really “senior lady feminine.” Testosterone has done its sculpting well.

Thus I was surprised and yet comforted and given hope when upon looking in the mirror after finishing my lipstick I saw me, Charlene. Obviously it was not so much in the facial features; no they were the same older man with a bit of lipstick on some thin lips. Yet surprisingly and plainly I did see me – in my eyes. As I looked in those pretty blue eyes they seem to sparkle with delight.

A poet has said that the eyes shout forth volumes the lips fail to reveal. For a few brief moments mine were shouting, “thank you for embracing me as a vital part of the full you. Thank you for these few subtle ways of allowing me freedom and life. I am so happy.”

It was a surreal experience. At first I thought, ” that is weird”, then “you’re being delusional” to “your mind is playing tricks on you because being a woman is so dominant in your thinking.” That third thought my be true, yet I am not so sure.

I came away realizing that no matter how much “male” might still linger should I have the opportunity to fully express my feminine self that it wouldn’t matter. I understood in that brief moment that I don’t need to be a specimen women; no rather it is OK to simply “be,” me. Weird? Delusional? Mind games? No, I believe that is genuine growth. Growth that brings me a sense of contentment. Thank you all for listening.

Hugs,

Charlene.

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Posts: 188
(@alexl)
Reputable Member     United Kingdom, Wiltshire, Marlborough
Joined: 4 years ago

What the mind processes from what it sees is a personal thing. Sometimes you see the woman in the mirror sometimes the man. It can change from hour to hour for me. No it's not weird but it is emotional, your mind testing you like in those annoying dreams we have at night. If you can see her...she is there, that should help guide your transformation I think. HRT also pushes those emotions much harder, quite a ride that is.

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Posts: 30
(@missbatwoman)
Eminent Member     United States of America, Nebraska, Omaha
Joined: 3 years ago

I have found that if I shut down my conscious mind the best I can...relax for a few seconds and kinda meditate with my eyes open...I can actually see through all the noise, all the "you have male genitals therefore..." crap and experience my true and see the woman inside.

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Posts: 58
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Topic starter
(@alexismoongirl)
Trusted Member     United States of America, Illinois
Joined: 4 years ago

I agree with this 100% - wearing female attire is what allows you to see your true self when you look in the mirror. I think that's why it's so important to me to also do hair and makeup when I dress - I don't want to look like a "dude in a dress" because that's not who I am. I need to see a woman when I look in the mirror, and consider myself so, so lucky that I'm only 5'7" with a 29" waist - yet even at that my arms are too long, my hands are too big...there will always be "tells" you can't get away from as a trans woman. But part of the magic of clothes, hair, and makeup is how you can use them as tools to help see yourself as you want to be.

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Posts: 17
(@bradford520)
Eminent Member     United Kingdom, Warwickshire, Kenilworth
Joined: 4 years ago

I hate looking in the mirror at my male self I say to my self you ugly b.....start it doesn't make it any better I try to keep myself as feminine as possible wearing  female underwear and I wear girls jeans and just bought some womens  trainers plus try to keep my body hair free I to be able to have some Christy time when my wife was at work but as she has now retired I don't have the opportunity which makes me dysphoric i have a number of clothes which i haven't hidden from my wife but no chance there days in wearing them

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(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

OMG! This is amazing. Yes, sadly, I am living my living my life as a male. I’ve gone through a stage of looking in the mirror and seeing a total stranger and at some point transitioning to seeing the woman that I am looking back at me now. The stranger is gone! Hooray! TGH is so amazing for letting me see I’m not alone emotionally nor in what I’m experiencing.

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