If I were to look in a mirror, I wouldn't necessarily see just 1 or 2 individuals. I see more of a fusion of what I am physically at this very moment and what I am striving right now to be. It's not to say I am full on Trans per`se, more or less I felt incomplete with who I portrayed myself as and am seeking to rectify/acquire the missing piece of me.
Ever since puberty, I never felt whole. Today I have started filling out that missing part of me to become 100% me. I am physically male. Don't intend to change that main aspect. But I am male and female in 1 single body and that's what I love about myself.
I have always seen a woman regardless of how I present. It’s something that goes back a long way, well before I knew what to call it. Putting a name to it served to reaffirm what I’ve always known. Whatever adjective we use I think that how we see ourselves is the key to self love. Love who you are. Be who you are. It’s wonderful to be asking these questions in exploring who you are. Good luck !
I totally get that. I’m the same way, no need to change my body, but need that female expression to feel whole and complete.
Oh, the mirror…after finishing up a makeup session, the face in the mirror smiles in approval. The feminine lines and cosmetics that transform my face excite my feelings. I feel relief from maleness, adjust my gaff. This with another smile after a final application of lipstick. I know now to put on a dab of cologne, loving the fragrance, the lipstick smile and blue eyeshadow. I feel so free, so lucky to be able to feel this way. A pearl neckless with clip on earrings is the final feeling of womanhood to be enjoyed before I put on a dress and high heel shoes. This never gets old. I really enjoy the stress relief of shedding the rough maleness and accept the complete transformation, both externally and inwardly. Female hormones have become important for me and the way I feel about myself. Being feminine suits me well, and breast growth feels so natural…Roella.
I feel the same way Roella. The makeup hides lines and blemishes. The eyeshadow so wonderfully highlights my eyes even though it took me quite a while to get it down. Still working on the lipstick, not because I can't do it but because I have this habit of moving my lips around over each other and it smudges it. So I've got to work on that habit, before I can do any lipstick. Still working on getting the mascara down. I love love love having nail polish. Fingers and toes.
I think accessories make all the difference in the world. A nice pair of earrings. I have multiple piercings because I have been and still am a punk rocker and head banger and that just sometimes comes with the territory. So I can wear more than one pair of earrings when I feel like it. A nice necklace especially if it matches the earrings. My wife got me a set for Christmas. A string of pearls definitely helps accent an outfit and sometimes just bring that last little touch of femininity to it. I also bought a choker chain with an "A" for Abby on it and I almost never take that off. A nice bracelet, a cool watch. I have one that is pink. An ankle bracelet too. If I'm going to go with open toed shoes I have toe rings that I can wear. I actually wear them most of the time.
A good pocketbook never hurts and the right pair of shoes can accent everything whether it's a pair of sneakers or pair of heels or wedges or espadrilles or whatever it may be. I am nowhere near being able to do the heels but I can do the wedges just fine. That's all I need.
I have a pronounced bald spot but I have a number of hats that I can wear that go with outfits and the beauty of being a woman is it's quite acceptable to wear your hat in church, in restaurants and so on. As a guy I would always remove my hat when I went into church or sat down at a restaurant. That's just proper etiquette.
Finally, a nice fragrance. A spritz on the neck and wrists. Anyway, when I look in the mirror after everything is all done I love what I see, I feel so feminine and I'm ready to step out. And I can smile in the mirror and say, "No matter if nobody else thinks so, Abby I think you're beautiful." That works for me.
Hi Alexis,
I can completely understand and empathize with your feeling. I too have more recently begun to accept the true self, and am starting to look at some "baby steps" as you call them towards what I call the "complete self." This is something I have struggled with for a very long time.
My journey with this went from "its just a phase..." to "oh, its only a fetish..." to "I am gender fluid..." to now "I am trans female." I believe for me the journey — stretched out over my 50 years — was my way of coping. I could not accept or handle it in younger days. So I invented an excuse. Easy to see that now in hindsight. Others won't have the experience I had — they may have arrived at a different place earlier. Others still are far, far stronger and tougher than I am.
As I began coming to grips and accepting my so-called "authentic self" a bit more, I too felt different about how I saw myself in the mirror. Interestingly at first, I could not see it at all. I was either seeing a man if not presenting, or seeing a man presenting as a woman. As my skills got better over the years and I learned more about how to present myself, the shift to seeing a woman became more evident when I presented (this even though I don't believe I can "pass.") More recently, I am seeing the "woman" even when not presenting in female garments, wig, makeup. I see her now — always there. Omnipresent.
This now matches more how I feel inside. I have often said to myself the feeling of me being femme came and went. I believe for me — my experience — that was more excuse making and denial. The desire to be a woman is not a desire to be a woman, if I accept that I am a woman, regardless of how I was biologically born. So the feeling is omnipresent and I accept that, and now see it more in the mirror.
I recently joined a local support group as well and am learning so much. It has been so helpful to start meeting others sharing their journey and while different then mine — there are similarities which help me understand myself far more. I believe I will continue to evolve. I try not to get hung up on the "what ifs" the way I once did. Each of our paths will be different, and I sense they are not necessarily linear. I hope that you continue to find your path and find happiness as you travel on it.
Andrea
When I look in the mirror I see my mother. I'm Intersex so perhaps that makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I even say "Hi Mom" and laugh since I look just like she did. I also see me and for the most part I like what I see. I do know that if I pass a mirror I will always look at myself and check to see that I am put together ok. If I feel it's not right, I change it right away. Thanks Alexis for posting this. Marg
I have experienced this as well. That last sentence about acceptance hits home for me. Having always lived with the feeling that I was/am in the wrong skin, and feeling there’s a blanket muting my authentic self, to finally accept that yes, that is a woman in the mirror, for me was a liberating act of self love. She was always there and was always me. Thx for sharing 🙂