It was a very tough thing for my mum and me to end a pattern of life that destroyed my brothers, father, and our family. My mom and I broke that cycle forever and set me free to become myself.
I grew up with two older brothers that were drug addicts big time, I am so grateful I didn’t follow them. Mom was proud of me and still is to this day for not following them. Dad, he had a tough life growing up. Mom watched him become unhappy with life and she was very upset that he wasn’t able to come out from hiding it from everyone and keeping it all in him. She felt betrayed by the way he treated her and created that feeling inside her. Me, I grew up as the typical happy male in the closet about something for a long time. I felt inside that I had an inner female persona that wanted out, but I wasn’t ready to come out at the time. I hid in the closet about this while knowing that I would come out – one day!
During the time, my brothers were in and out of jail for drug offenses, Mom and I watched while our family began to fall apart. We both knew then, that something was going to happen, at the same time, feeling that they may hurt us in some way. She really wasn’t happy with them at all and couldn’t take it anymore from them in any way, eventually get kicked out of the house, for continuing to act in ways that she had to stop as best as she could. She was also extremely pleased to see that I was smart enough not to follow in their footsteps. I sensed and knew that I had a life ahead of me and that was very important in getting me through all this. Our home life was good and we kept a nice clean house. I believed that my brothers would always be there for me, I tried my best to convince them to get clean and to get help. They did try going into rehab but quit three times letting themselves and me down. They had promised me that they would quit, but history showed me that they flat out lied to my face. My dad, he was a good worker, but his mouth got him into trouble and became his biggest problem. He was constantly told off his bosses and supervisors which eventually got him fired from his jobs. I explained to him that needed to change and to stop speaking out so much, but wouldn’t listen at all. My mom tried to tell exactly the same too, but he just would not listen to anyone at home or at work; it always finished with him being fired. It’s easy for me to see clearly that, I had learned by his mistakes and from the influence of my mom. When at work do what they ask you to do. I am and have been this way, to this day.
Dad, he grew to be more unhappy with his life, in and out of jobs and being laid off. Although I had not shown signs of following the same paths as my brothers and father, Mom feared that I might be next and raised the question with me, but I assured her that there was nothing wrong with me without hesitation. As our lives moved on, she saw how I grew up having great friends who were always there for me. Then in January of 1997, tragedy first struck, my brothers were found dead at their apartments from overdosing on drugs. Mom and I felt very betrayed by this and felt that they let us down and themselves, which hurt. Life really didn’t get much better after their funerals. Before long, it was followed by the death of my dad in March 1997. Mom had found him dead, laying in the backyard with a gunshot to his head after committing suicide. The shock she had encountered in finding him dead in that terrible way devastated her. She did call later to me tell me that dad had committed suicide. I was hit hard too and just as devastated as she was, I couldn’t help but feel that my dad too, had betrayed me, and likewise so did my Mom. She had called 911, while a neighbor arrived to watch him walk into the backyard, holding a gun in his right hand, moments later hearing a gunshot.
Around five weeks after his funeral, I found myself thinking and reflecting on many things. As I was walking out of school, I realized right then and knew that it was time to finally come out. I was a senior at the time and 18 years old. Arriving home, I looked at my mom and told to her I was coming out and wanted to transition to becoming female. She took it well and said I had done something, I had broken the cycle. She felt so relieved that I wasn’t going end-up like my dad or brothers. She looked back at me and said, “I still love you and am proud of you for opening up to me, finally”. I made me so happy that she reacted this way and the pain began to go away from that day. I reassured my mom and her family that I still loved her and them and then we all hugged. She assisted with finding the help that I needed and supporting me through my transition. She now knows that she has a much happier daughter, who is now a pre-op MTF transsexual. Mom was ready to let go of the unhappy son she once had, taking it so well and understanding, that I have a much better, happier, and healthier life now. We are closer than ever since this happened, she knows that she has one kid very much alive kid with a life ahead of her, ME!.
There was a light at the end of the tunnel that I finally traveled towards, with a belief in myself and with hope. To this day, mom is glad I am alive and I can see that she is much happier too. I grew up, with a belief and knowing that we never or want to, let each other down at all. I still remember one-day mom had me listen to a song by country singer Sara Evans, You’ll Always Be My Baby. When I listened to it, I loved it! It taught me that my mom loved me still and confirmed that I never let her down and that she will always be there for me.
When we reach a point where we feel that we can’t trust or rely on what we knew; feeling let down, abandoned or whatever we believe we are suffering from, we are forced to look inside ourselves and take strength from we know about ourselves and who we are. This moment of great adversity forces us to do what we are unable in ‘normal’ and habitual ways of thinking and acting. It makes us think and act in a new way in order to survive and overcome the obstacle that caused the issue. That process can put us directly in touch with the true self, in what may feel like an epiphany experience, and carry us forward into a whole new life that we have needed, wanted and created in confronting that adversity head on.
We all have the gift of choosing our way forward. Even from the worst adversity, whether the generations, or self inflicted, we can decide how to live our lives. That magic something deep inside leads us through the darkness, and can very easily propel us into light when We choose to use it. We only need to know it, claim it, own it, and use it. And, like Cassie, I do. And so can everyone else.
Cassie has indeed broken the cycle; The courage that holds on, believing that, as Cassie said, “I hid in the closet about this and knew I would come out one day” is an anthem for each of us on so many levels.
It is also correct in that whic is “natural” (Nature-all) will always find a way to emerge and express; Buried feelings never die, is a book that has helped me understand that, Cassie has had to learn through much hotter fires than I have had to endure, nature will not remain silent and be ignored, repressed or shoved under the carpet forever. We live in an ever-expanding universe and our only job is to expand, and fully become that which we were/are born to become.
Being too ashamed to tell anyone for over 50 years + has caused me a lifetime of misery and suffering, something no one should have to live through. This article has inspired me, given me hope that somehow all that I have been through will also serve others in creating a smoother ride.
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- Editor’s Choice – Broke the cycle - March 22, 2021