The Difference in a Day

 

Many of you, who have been on both sister sites, may have read my articles on CDH. I thought it was time to share one here. The best topic to get it started is my personal feelings of why I chose to join this site. It’s as simple as the difference in a day. I live in Iowa, so trust me; I’ve seen everything in a day’s time. It can start out snowing and cold, end up with sunshine and in the 50’s, temperatures can go from 90 to 60 in less than an hour. In so many ways, this is how I live as I try to balance inner-feelings on whom, and what I am.

 

 What makes a crossdresser? What defines transgender? What does it mean to be gender neutral? The questions of how to define our labels far outweigh the respective answers. Simply put, I don’t know what I am. If I could magically transition 100 percent to womanhood…90% of the time I’d say, “Sign me up!” And yet…that 10% worries about what might be lost, and that 10% holds some pretty hard notions not easily circumvented. All it does is bring more “IF” into it. If I don’t lose this, I’d do it. If I can look this way, ok, maybe. If, if, and If; the ifs are never silent or resolved. I’m much more than a crossdresser, I know this. I don’t hate my male self; I just identify more with the inner-women–mentally. It’s taken me 50 plus years to acknowledge this.

 

I see this site as the more serious sister to the fun-loving sister that is CDH.  I came here to learn more about the possibilities, to hear other’s stories, and to feel… I wanted to share in the triumphs and pain, because I need to know; that 10% needs to know. One of the things I do is look at the pictures that other’s post, looking for the woman that has emerged, or lurks just under the surface. I think that is why I’m here; I have a woman lurking inside of me, wanting to express herself, maybe even switch places with the host. It’s a balancing act that doesn’t seem to be gaining traction either way—and maybe…that’s okay. I’ve grown as a person the last six years. I wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t broken up from my last relationship to live on my own (going on seven years now.) I’ve been in a “hidden” relationship all of my life, other than after my divorce, which lasted less than 2 years. It’s been nearly 35 years of fighting my inner-woman in order to satisfy the relationship, only to still fail in the end. I understand the  intricate whys of my failings more every day.

 

It’s taken all of the last six years to unwind, to allow, and to accept; I am just as much Brina as I am male. I don’t hate her, or me. I let my mind wander and dream, to ponder what might be verses what could be. Each month frees me a smidgeon more to be a willing partner in my personal evolution. I am not alone; the world is changing. Spend time on this site, CDH, Flickr, and others and it’s easy to see that our numbers are staggering. It brings me comfort…and hope. I don’t have a Brina voice, or a Brina attitude. When I’m dressed the same voice speaks inside my head, it doesn’t change. I don’t don a dress or nylons to satisfy a fetish…I admit, I once did, but I evolved, much in the same way that I identify with being a crossdresser and transgender. I’m moving more towards the other end of the spectrum.

 

One last thing…oh, you’ll hear more from me as I love to write, but I want to throw on my editor’s hat for a moment. It’s been a blessing to help others share their stories here and at CDH. The articles have always been the most important part of the sites or me. I think that is even more so here. I invite you to share your stories, the heartaches, the trials, and the triumphs. I need to hear them; I’m not alone, others need them as well. We all have more questions than we have answers, more fears than certainties, and more doubts than assurances. Sharing with each other is a form of therapy, helping in our search for answers and similarities, and letting us gather hope that we may find better tomorrows. 

 

 

 

The following two tabs change content below.
I've been on this path for nearly 50 years, beginning at age 7 when I wore my grandma's old dresses with my cousins. It felt natural. Later, I went through the fetish stage and fought with my insides. After my divorce 13 years ago, I let Brina out only to bury her away during another relationship. Over the last 6 years, I've found out more about who I am, the path that I'm on, and what it means to be transgendered. I've also been much happier since I acknowledged and accepted myself for who I am. I'm still much in the closet as responsibilities take precedence. It doesn't help being an introvert by nature, but I will gracefully walk (mostly, ok, not so gracefully) this path as I become a better me.

Latest posts by Sabrina MacTavish (see all)

Tags:
25 Comments
  1. Tami C 2 months ago

    Oh that miserable 10% ball and chain! The “what ifs”; the “if onlys”; the “maybes”; the “I could nevers”; the “regrets”; the fears and the hopes. Standing at the edge of the high board, aware of the solid, supportive, familiar platform underfoot and secretly yearning to launch into space, belly-flop be damned! Anchored there nonetheless by that insidious 10%.

    I made it off the board not too long ago and it scares me sometimes that I may have made a mistake; bitten off more than I could chew. There is way too much to do and experience. Then I look back on my life of 55 years and it is soooo evident that I belong here, soaring through the air on wings that you ladies and legions of others before you have fashioned from your own joy and pain and dreams and heartaches.

    That stifling 10% came off the board with me. There are fears and bewilderment as to which current would be best explored first; there probably always will be, however, I do believe to the sinew of my being, just as Brina said in her response to Danielle’s reply: “I’ll be okay”. Should I “belly flop” and I’m sure I will to some extent, I will be okay.

    Thank you all for your replies to Brinas posting! We are NOT alone!

    Love to you!
    Tami

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 2 months ago

      Tami,

      So well put. I eagerly await to hear more about your journey. If you have time, please consider writing an article for the site…we really need some….

      All my best, and thank you for your comments 🌹🌹🌹

      Brina

  2. Charlene V 2 months ago

    Sabrina,
    As I read your article I smile, both on my face and in my heart. So many of us are so similar are we not?
    We know or are at least bit by bit are learning who we are; understand where we are as we are; dream about where we long to go and perhaps who we long to be; contemplate how shall we get there from where we are; and in the process of all that very real (at least to us) thinking and feeling we must learn and decide how to be content in our NOW.
    Truly, as trans – however we understand ourselves – it is not easy being. Yet properly handled we become better for it do we not?
    Blessings
    Charrie

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 2 months ago

      Charrie,

      Very well put ❤❤❤

      You should consider writing an article; I’d love to read it!

      Brina

      • Charlene V 2 months ago

        Thank you Sabrina for your compliment and encouragement.
        I love writing. In fact I have two articles published at CDH. But here I feel so out of my league, because so many are so much further along in their courage to “come out”; to be their authentic selves.
        Perhaps writing is a goal I can achieve as I am nurtured by supporting friends here.
        Hugs.
        Charrie

  3. John Marvin 3 months ago

    Finally took time to read your comments. Wow! Figuring out who you are is extremely difficult. Most of us will never be sure.

    Here is my take: I came into this world almost 77 years ago, with all the required male parts. Within about six years, I was trying on Mom’s clothes. While still projecting the perfect son. If my parents ever figured it out, I never heard about it.

    The usual stuff – wife and kids, working to make ends meet, on and on. While still in high school, my daughters caught me shaving my legs. Nothing happened. But, I decided I should tell my wife. Again, calm. We did things as girlfriends.

    15 years later my wife left. Miraculously, we patched it up. I was a good boy. We shared a hobby – Harley Davidson. I acted my part to perfection. Badass Biker. At my age!!

    In 2015, a car ran a stop sign. Poof. She was gone. I was devastated and completely lost. More than a year later, I believe she whispered in my ear, ” I gave you another chance.” I have been wearing dresses since. And kept my beard.

    My point: We all worry too much about a definition. Just be yourself and be happy. There is no such thing as pure male or pure female! Each of us are somewhere in between. You can change your location any time.

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 3 months ago

      Thank you!

      I love your analysis and the way you put it into perspective. My needle is always moving, but it’s consistently to female side even on those days when my maleness boldly shows through. What’s between my ears has more of a bearing on my personality and self-perception.

      Brina

  4. Louise 3 months ago

    I loved your story Sabrina and I certainly can relate. I too have started living on my own because as much as I have tried to be different, Louise would not allow it. I was married for 20+ yrs and have a fabulous family of children and grandchildren and I have been living by myself for 5 yrs now and before that I was in a 7 yr relationship, a 2 yr relationship and my divorce was before that. Hopefully by joining the site I will start to reach out and connect because it does get lonely. Keep writing….you are very good ! Hugs Louise

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 3 months ago

      Louise,

      It definitely helps to connect with others going through similar things. After my divorce, I jumped in the deep end and for the first time allowed Brina to fully come out. I was using her to avoid dealing with the rest of my issues. It scared me after a year and I did what I shouldn’t have…purged all of her, down to all the wonderful photos and great shoes…. I fell in “real love” and it lasted for 7 years (didn’t dress at all, not even a pair of panties underneath) It was the best and worst in my life. It’s been 6 years since we mutually ended (really more her as I had no choice…I long story) and I still miss the connection. Yet…. I have no desire to jump back in because I’m finally learning about myself and how to be happy being me. If by some chance, I meet someone else, then I’ll be upfront with who I am and take it from there. It doesn’t help being an introvert…I volunteer an serve as president of a service club, bowl regularly, and serve on a couple of boards. I work from home, so without the others, I’d rarely go out. It would be great to shed all the responsibilities of adulthood and move to another state. There, I’d live as twins…. Oh, to be 25 again and know what I know now….

      Thanks for responding 🙂

      Brina

  5. Danielle Fox 3 months ago

    Thank you so much Brina for a wonderful article. I, as so many others, can definitely relate to the duality of our self and the image we see in ourselves. Yes the fetish and excitement of wearing hose and other feminine clothing when I was younger had the sexual edge which evolved as I began to find who I truly am. Three different forms of myself in the way I present and represent myself. The husband for my wife who knows who I am and accepts me for who I am. The CDer who loves to dress up and feel the freedom of my spirit and the wonderful fabrics my male side is denied. The TG who I truly am and the transition to female that will not be. I have made a decision to not transition because I love my wife so much I would be lost without her. But your article shows me that it is not easy for anyone when considering whether to transition or not. Life can be very strange and beautiful at the same time. I choose to be with my wife and be feminine. She painted my toenails last night and it was because she loves me that she did so.
    Danielle 💋👠

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 3 months ago

      Thank you for sharing! I’m so very glad that you have a supportive spouse. I can only share my thoughts, which I do, in hopes that others find something of value. For me, I spent many lost years believing that I couldn’t be of value if I identified in this way, I couldn’t be kind, I couldn’t be human… I’m not out to the world, and I harbor my secret, but…if the world were to find out, I’ll be ok. Maybe some of the decisions I put off in fear of coming out would become possibilities and new horizons to cross. I fear less every day, and I try to be kinder to everyone, including myself. I wish you all the best!

      Brina

      • Cynthia S 1 week ago

        Ah Brina-we are so much alike! I love to write and truly appreciate the editing you do. Perhaps one day we will each figure out the right answer for our journeys. Until then we just live and love and enjoy life!
        Cyn

  6. Danika Bainey 3 months ago

    Dear Brina,

    Thank you so much for sharing with us. I know how difficult the journey is. I fight the same battles everyday also and it is not easy. However, at the end of the day I feel wonderful about who I am. As there is very little support for TG’s down here in Florida where I am located, I frequently turn to TGH and CDH as the new articles appear and a lot of them always makes me feel better about who I am. I am sooooooooooooo glad I found these sites and I really appreciate what you do for all of us. By the way, you look outstanding

    Danika

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 3 months ago

      Danika,

      Thanks for the comments. I agree about these two sites. Being able to share with one another helps. There is always someone who’s been where I am, did what I’m thinking about, or struggles with the same issues as I do. Knowing that I’m not even close to being in this alone makes it easier. I wish this had been around in the 80’s, how much different my life would have been (I wouldn’t have spent so much energy stressed and hating myself). I think there are way more of us than anyone conceives.

      Have a happy holiday season!

      Brina 🙂

  7. Paul Kisvarda 3 months ago

    Hi Brina, it is so hard to work out where we go from here, I also would love to transition fully, but there is that 10% that is holding me back, If only there was that magic pill,
    Please keep writing as I love reading all your articles

    xxx Paula

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 3 months ago

      Thank you Paula 🙂

      I wrote a short novella that was on the same topic (taking the magical transformation). My twist was on the emotional side of doing so. Instead of it happening all at once, it happened over a weeks time by applying “Red Lipstick” each day. You could stop, but the changes would be permanent to that point. Only after the last application would it be complete, and there wasn’t a happy ending where the world just woke up and always thought you were a woman. As in all good stories, I had a twist because nothing is free.

      Thanks for commenting,

      Brina

  8. Steph Di Firenze 3 months ago

    Brina,
    You have touched on some of the very same issues that I am still dealing with regarding who I am. Your personal definitions of crossdresser compared with transgender struck a note with my own changing definitions. It may be that for many of us here (and on CDH) that our first knowing steps on this journey were inspired by a sexual, or fetish, desire. For me that was the first crack in the wall of the binary gender definitions. With time I am also realising that I too have an external relationship with my partner and an internal relationship between my femme and male personae. It is like trying to juggle 3 balls at the same time, where one of those is fragile (and also valuable).
    Time will tell which of the relationships will be dominant, but hopefully both can be accommodated with honest compromises from all involved.

    Hugs,
    Steph

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 3 months ago

      Steph,

      I just adore all the ways in which we describe ourselves with analogies. I love the mind picture of juggling 3 balls; I can see moving images on them as they rotate through the air, the possibilities, the hope, the fear. I’d add; that while you are juggling, you are also standing on a platform where the boards beneath your feet are slowly pulled away until you are left standing on one, and then a large fan begins to blow… If I fall, which ball will I save, or let go…

      Thanks for the comment!

      Brina

  9. Cloe (CC) Webb 3 months ago

    Brina, my mind often wanders to the familiar to process things and did so while I was reading your article. In particular your comment on being a willing partner made me stop and ponder. It started off with likening to marriage and the process a couple goes through, but that became painful too fast. Not to be dissuaded the concept of folding, as in baking, kept popping up and as I explored that thought the following came to mind. The inner struggle to reconcile our two natures can be likened to that of mixing two ingredients together such as sugar and butter and with some time and heat a wonderful new treat emerges. This is an incomplete thought and one I will continue to pursue, but I know it involves knowing what the goal of this journey is, the finished baked good as it were, ready to be savored.

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 3 months ago

      Cloe,

      great analogy 🙂

      I have one for you…as in food. I watched both of my girls pick out the onions out of everything they ate as children. Today, (they have kids of their own now) onions are an essential part of their cooking. We see this other side of ourselves as something to take out, but in truth, it’s this side that gives us the essential ingredient that makes it taste so good… It took time for them to realize it, just as it took time for me to taste the benefit of what Brina brings to the dish 😉

      • Cloe (CC) Webb 3 months ago

        Oh we could go down the cooking and baking analogy trail with Tessa being our master chef, LOL. Love ya hun!

  10. Carla Roberts 3 months ago

    My Dear Sister Sabrina,
    So loved your writing. And so glad to hear from you. Your story sounds so close to mine, and I would love to hear more from you, either in the forums or in private.

    Carla

  11. Marianne Tornander 3 months ago

    Dear Brina,

    How lovely to hear your own feelings come forward, as you’ve recently helped so many others making their voices heard through their articles here and on CDH. Like you I have never hated the obviously male parts of me, but still have wished I rather was a girl and later a mature woman most of my life.
    I’m in a marriage I don’t want to jeopardize so I do not know if I can ever get to that point, but I still wish and slowly proceed towards a increasingly feminine way of life.

    Marianne

    • Author
      Sabrina MacTavish 3 months ago

      Thanks Marianne 🙂

      Compromise is everything, and we do it better than most–we have to. Loving yourself, forgiving yourself is said to be some of the hardest things to do; I would add compromising in there as well!

      Brina

  12. Hi my Sister Sabrina and welcome to TGH! Sweetie….I do hope you find enough information to assist you with your 10 per cent quest. I am here for you if you wish to discuss same.
    Let me re-iterate to you…..Transition is not to be taken lightly. It involves not just one surgery. It is very costly. It is painful. AND…it is IRREVERSIBLE. You may also have to visit a Psychologist for a year and then take HRT therapy while living as a female, before surgery.

    By the way….you look fabulous as always! I am not trying to discourage you, just want to make certain you know what it all about for my own peace of mind. I wish you good luck in your search for knowledge. Don’t be a stranger….my door is always open to you my sister.

    Love…….

    Dame Veronica

Leave a reply

©2019Transgender Heaven | Privacy | Terms of Service | Contact Vanessa

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Transgender Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account