Many donβt understand the meaning of grace and what it means to be gracious.Β Yet countless numbers of my sisters have lived their lives expressing that undefined grace with their masculine selves.Β You see, grace is more than just being poised and elegant.Β Itβs more than how you move and it certainly is not about being honorable.Β If thatβs what it was about then we would just use those words.
In the lives of crossdressers, particularly those who have found a significant other, they have usually made a sacrifice.Β Theyβve chosen to diminish, suppress, repress, or whatever word you choose to use, that side of themselves that doesnβt match the exterior.Β This is what I did for over 30 years.Β You may wonder, how in the world does someone do that and not come to a catastrophic end?Β I thought about this for many years and there was a song that always came to mind that helped me understand it better and too calm my spirit.Β In the songΒ More Than A Feeling by Boston, Tom Scholz penned the lineβ¦
When I’m tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped awayΒ
I very easily could change the subject of the lines to Cloe Anne and I know I would see grace walking out the door to give Drabby his life.Β You see in my interpretation of this song, Cloe Anne was expressing the ultimate in feminine grace through a self-sacrifice in allowing him to have full control.Β So she just walked away so he didnβt have to struggle.
After all, this is how I interpreted the teachings of those around me.Β The woman digressed and allowed the man to be the one who shined.Β She became subservient.Β But this was a fallacy.Β In a relationship the man and woman are partners and they strike a balance.Β Yet Drabby did not understand this gracious person and so he set about building his life with his right hand tied behind his back.
In the Spring of 2015 with the waning of parental life evident after our last child left home, Cloe asked to have some time to be herself and Drabby acquiesced.Β Yet several months later the door was shut hard when one of the children moved back home.Β Drabby had finally sensed the loss he had suffered by not having his inner partner there at his side all these years and catastrophe was at the doorstep.Β He began to explode inside and it seethed over the brim and impacted his family.Β He had finally reached the crisis he had feared when Cloe had walked away all those years ago.Β He knew it was time to come to terms with the truth that he was a crossdresser.
Wait, was that it?Β Was Cloe not more than just a pile of clothes hidden in a box in the attic?Β No, Drabby was still very much controlling the dialogue as it was the only way he knew to handle it.Β Yet Cloe continued to assert herself. Β She convinced that Drabby it was time to shave his face for the first time in years.Β She then set about finding a replacement for the hair he had allowed time to erase and ordered her first wig with an awful result.Β On the second try, she found it.Β The auburn head of hair that she always knew was hers and Cloe Anne said no more walking away, you are alive.Β She pleaded with Drabby in her soft and feminine way for months.Β Seeking out women whom she admired for their strength, poise, and elegance, she showed him that she was a woman of substance and not just a fantasy or fetish.Β She showed him how he had missed the point of acts of sacrifice as a measure of love from her.Β Sure he had done it for his wife, time and time again, but he never did it for this side of my life. Suddenly Drabby realized what he had done and what they needed to do.Β
In August of 2017, in the ultimate act of feminine grace by Drabby, I became a complete person.Β Drabby admitted we were transgender as the label the world uses.Β Cloe Anne Webb is who I became at last.
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Latest posts by ππΎππ ππβ΄β―Μ ππ (see all)
- The Pace of Peace - September 30, 2019
- Is Your Physical Transition Languishing? - August 26, 2019
- Feminine Grace - July 3, 2018
You are just so awe inspiring to me ! Blessed here ! Love Dani
Thank you Dani.
smiles
Truly touched me. I want so much to allow Stephanie out I know she is sweet ,kind and very much a lady. Whenever I expose her we feel like a nerve has been exposed not pain but excitement she starts breathing as if she has been suffocating. I feel ashamed I that I have had my hand over her mouth not allowing her to breathe. I have denied her exsistance for over 50 years. Only allowing her to breath when my hand got tired. When she was allowed out she was wounderful. She did spend alot of money on expensive… Read more Β»
Was she being suffocated or was she being protected from a world that would not understand? I struggled with this and tried to convey that in the article. It was such a difficult thing for me to understand that while it felt like two different lives it really was just two different era’s of my life. But it was conducted in a protective way with that part of me that was conditioned to be male having to find ways to conform to get along and survive. I still run into situations where it’s best to describe a duality, but as… Read more Β»
She is beautiful.
Awwwww, thank you! So are you.
Oh Cloe, you write so honestly from the heart. This really moved me.
It fills my heart to know it touched you. I hope it inspires you to tell your story.
I will soon. Iβm just settling in here first. Give me a few days to get organized. M xx
I love Coe Anne’s words. I shivered when I read them, and looked at myself. Am I nothing more than a badful of Lane Bryants, then? No, I think I am more. I have been “dressing" so long, that I now feel comfortable in skirts, hose, make-up. But also, now Roxanne herself has crept out, into my life. Roxanne, the girl who wants, needs, a partner, a loving entity, to care for her, to love her. Is it too late? No, I hope not, I do not think so. I can feel nothing better than being an integral part of… Read more Β»
Hi Roxanne! Your spirit needs no other validation than to recognize itself. The journey from there is one of infinite possibilities of your choosing to pursue. Be kind to yourself as you go.
Hugs, Cloe
Cloe, I do recognize the journey. Just which path to start on is eluding me. Oh, I so wish I could live with a sweet husband, and be his loving, caring woman. I would be his sweetheart, ever so gentle, and make him the happiest, pleased man in the world. Of, if he only found me! I am “out there", looking for him. I do want him, desperately. I have many good, loving years left, to share with him. I so want to be his good, obedient gurl!
Roxanne Lanyon
Your’e already on the path . The decision point will appear when you’re ready to make a choice. I pray the best for you Roxanne
Cloe, I love your story. I see a lot of similarity in your life for four years I suppressed the Miss in me and became frustrated and angry and with the insistence of my wife, an alcoholic. She just did not give up until she saw me drunk. My mother was an alcoholic and it was painful to endure. I swore not to follow in her path. But my first wife would not give up her quest and finally got me drunk and regretted it. I am a rude drunk and have no control. I hate not having control. So… Read more Β»
Thank you, Reuby. Being all bottled up is no way to live life and its ice to have no more T poisoning to help fuel it. I’m a much happier person now.
Hugs, Cloe
Close, Thank you so much for sharing your story. When you talked about keeping your true self locked away for so many years it really hit home. I have for as long as I can remember felt i was differant, wondering time and time again what was wrong with me that I felt so out of place in my own body, mind and heart. Couldn’t talk to anyone about it because, well,,,after listening to the comments people who I thought were friends would make about others weather they be transgender, gay or lesbian, plain and simple, I was terrified so… Read more Β»
Oh Brandy the chaos hasn’t begun, but the end of chaos has. Knowing and accepting are the first steps to making things right and you are right, there’s absolutely nothing “wrong" with you. What you need is what you need and I’m sure you’ll get your right solution. You’ll need lots of help and the people here at TGH are here to be your friend and help you as you go. This is the essence of sharing our stories, to help others with seeing a perspective they may not have seen before or a common bond. I’m glad you found… Read more Β»
Cloe Webb….my “Southern Belle"….full of grace, poise, grandeur, and presence! How I envy your story telling skills. I wish I could be a southern belle of Atlanta, “Blue Belles" one of my favorite shows….the parties, the ambiance, the poise, the presence. Oh I wear the dress and have the walk and talk down pat, but I lack the presence. Thank you for this tale…I enjoyed it very much.
Dame Veronica
Thank you, Veronica. Presence equals confidence. I refuse to cede that with my transition and am buoyed by my family here and on CDH. This is one trait I received from my grandmother who was raised working the cotton mills of Yorkshire as a teen. At 18 she was called by her father to come live in the muck and mire of early 20th century rural Virginia where I now live in relative comfort (even if I still have to do my own fence mending and weed eating en femm LOL)
Cloe You made me a little misty , your words seem a mirror of us all . One day i may get the nerve to come out, till then i’ll just have to let him be in charge . Wonderful letter, thanks. Leslie
Thank you for your kind words, Leslie. I’m glad you were touched by my words (I am no writer). The journey is yours to conduct and certainly smoothed by thoughtful and planned steps even if the plan is to scramble when the unexpected happens. Take your time. You will know if/when it is right. BTW, you’re not far from me.
Hugs, Cloe
It’s taken so long for me to accept that I am trans, but now I have I’m so much happier and way more fun to be around…for my family anyway..
Great post, Cloe.
Hi Wendy. I completely missed your comment at the time. I kn ow things have been tough for you and I of late, but we are strong and can not only endure, but succeed. Hugs, Cloe
“Armed with will and determination
And grace, too …"
Thank you Kristy! It took far too long to put them all to good use.
Cloe~
Welcome Home.
I would have wiped my feet off at the door, but I needed a drink of cool water.
Lovely article Cloe. Not too much more to say. Your journey is different than mine, but we both are on a journey of discovery.
Hugs,
April
Hugs April. That is the beauty of life. We are all so individual and unique. I sure hope there’s no other April out there cause I love the one I know and have met.
Cloe
Cloe what a beautiful and poetic expression of the struggle to be yourself – all of yourself!
Thank you for sharing, and thank you for continuing to shine your light for others to follow! <3
Thank you for sharing your journey Vanessa. I’m not a prodigious writer myself, but this was a subject that was just bursting to be told. I find myself searching for a new song to be ‘mine’, but this time it will be one of hope and love.
Cloe Anne Webb, a woman of the people, an inspiration to those who struggle, a role model for those who travel the road one step at a time, and a gift to both Crossdresser Heaven and Transgender Heaven. Using that metaphor for what these sites aspire towards, that would make Cloe one of our true angels. Let us all enjoy the opportunity we have been provided, to build a positive and inclusive community, that aims to connect people with others who understand their pain, their struggle, the sting of rejection and ridicule, and the truth in their journey. Thank you,… Read more Β»
Thank you Cap for all your words of encouragement and seeing something in me when others still doubted. I certainly understand their trepidation now. Emotional and spiritual support is so much more rewarding and challenging than the technical support I’ve spent a lifetime on. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of ambassadors to work with. Crossdresserheaven was a godsend in my life that helped me to finally explore the depths of breadth of who I am, a transgender woman who has a heart full of compassion and love to give. I will forever identify with those who live… Read more Β»
Cloe, thank you so much for your friend request, and Iβve been reading your posts, and what immediately hit home was your statement above about making choices to please others at the expense of their own truth….
I look forward to reading and writing with you…
Jan
You’re welcome, Jan. I’m glad my words meant something to you. I’m actually not a very prolific writer, but more of a conversationalist. I suppose I could stand to have someone spurring me on.
Cloe, I submitted this as an article on CDH when I first joined and was told it was a bit esoteric for the site. My response now is esoteric or not women’s spirituality has and always will be a part of my path during transition as it has been part of my path for the last 20 years. Part of this came from the idea of Hozier’s song Better Love. Self Imposed Self-imposed exploitation of my feelings, desires, and dreams, knowing how alone Iβve lived, unexplained, unexplored, unfamiliar to my family and friends. Living in fear, dreading each day, waking… Read more Β»
Thank you Mia. The struggle is so very real whether it be expressed esoterically or obviously. I feel for you and the tortuous journey you’ve endured. Mine was rather quite numb as I intentionally acquiesced to that which I had been taught was the only way for me. I hope for you that your new found joy is abounding and fulfilling.
Esoteric or not; lotta great lines βSeeking absolution without confession of any is my sinsβ
is my favorite. You expressed a lot of feelings describing me also. Better in fact than I couldβve described myselfπ No two paths are the same but Iβve stepped in more than a few of your footprints. So, well written.
xx Shanda
Cuppy, I read you words and they hit points of familiarity within my story too. I completely understand that putting away of the other side of you. Over 25 years ago I first saw the woman within me. I stood staring into the mirror and I felt whole. Then I saw my wife’s face in the mirror and it was one filled with fear. She didn’t see me there and it scared her. For her I put Sarah away. I didn’t even have a name then, she was just a spirit buried within me theta didn’t match the outer shell.… Read more Β»
Sarah, thank you for sharing this. That call to be ‘normal’ is strong, but we are stronger. Your path is yours alone, but I am happy to be your friend in sharing and caring for what lies ahead and where you have been, I’ve certainly seen that same fear on my wife’s face and it is heart wrenching I know. You are two hearts joined, yet you are still two individuals trying to make the best out of life. But it does have to be what is best for you. Keep searching and you will find that path that has… Read more Β»
Cloe, I’ve read many stories of those who have accepted their inner self. However, you have written this in a very different way that conveys your feelings very well. Welcome to the bright side of the road!
I interpret your actions as learning to love yourself and something I had to also acquire before I could move forward with a real sense of purpose
Sophie, you are spot on. I had to learn how to love myself then learn how to put it into action. I do have to finish a chapter before I move on to the next, yet like most stories they run in parallel. A new sense of purpose indeed is how I feel and I sense many new endeavors and challenges await, yet I finally will be able to meet them as my whole self, scars and all.