Many don’t understand the meaning of grace and what it means to be gracious. Yet countless numbers of my sisters have lived their lives expressing that undefined grace with their masculine selves. You see, grace is more than just being poised and elegant. It’s more than how you move and it certainly is not about being honorable. If that’s what it was about then we would just use those words.
In the lives of crossdressers, particularly those who have found a significant other, they have usually made a sacrifice. They’ve chosen to diminish, suppress, repress, or whatever word you choose to use, that side of themselves that doesn’t match the exterior. This is what I did for over 30 years. You may wonder, how in the world does someone do that and not come to a catastrophic end? I thought about this for many years and there was a song that always came to mind that helped me understand it better and too calm my spirit. In the song More Than A Feeling by Boston, Tom Scholz penned the line…
When I’m tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
I very easily could change the subject of the lines to Cloe Anne and I know I would see grace walking out the door to give Drabby his life. You see in my interpretation of this song, Cloe Anne was expressing the ultimate in feminine grace through a self-sacrifice in allowing him to have full control. So she just walked away so he didn’t have to struggle.
After all, this is how I interpreted the teachings of those around me. The woman digressed and allowed the man to be the one who shined. She became subservient. But this was a fallacy. In a relationship the man and woman are partners and they strike a balance. Yet Drabby did not understand this gracious person and so he set about building his life with his right hand tied behind his back.
In the Spring of 2015 with the waning of parental life evident after our last child left home, Cloe asked to have some time to be herself and Drabby acquiesced. Yet several months later the door was shut hard when one of the children moved back home. Drabby had finally sensed the loss he had suffered by not having his inner partner there at his side all these years and catastrophe was at the doorstep. He began to explode inside and it seethed over the brim and impacted his family. He had finally reached the crisis he had feared when Cloe had walked away all those years ago. He knew it was time to come to terms with the truth that he was a crossdresser.
Wait, was that it? Was Cloe not more than just a pile of clothes hidden in a box in the attic? No, Drabby was still very much controlling the dialogue as it was the only way he knew to handle it. Yet Cloe continued to assert herself. She convinced that Drabby it was time to shave his face for the first time in years. She then set about finding a replacement for the hair he had allowed time to erase and ordered her first wig with an awful result. On the second try, she found it. The auburn head of hair that she always knew was hers and Cloe Anne said no more walking away, you are alive. She pleaded with Drabby in her soft and feminine way for months. Seeking out women whom she admired for their strength, poise, and elegance, she showed him that she was a woman of substance and not just a fantasy or fetish. She showed him how he had missed the point of acts of sacrifice as a measure of love from her. Sure he had done it for his wife, time and time again, but he never did it for this side of my life. Suddenly Drabby realized what he had done and what they needed to do.
In August of 2017, in the ultimate act of feminine grace by Drabby, I became a complete person. Drabby admitted we were transgender as the label the world uses. Cloe Anne Webb is who I became at last.