I am sitting here, having a nice glass of wine, contemplating my future. I am a torn individual. OK with my male life, yet wanting more. I just feel more alive when I am April, yet I am so self conscious of my appearance. I know I do not pass and while I am OK going out part time, the fact that I do not pass worries me. Because I am just fearful of going any further. I am afraid of taking the next steps to be April full time. Partially it is my fear of alienating my family. Partially it is my fear of losing the few things I do like about my male self. But mostly it is just the fear of the unknown.
What if I travel this road only to regret it? What do I do then? It is all so muddled in my mind. I do not know if this is my ultimate destiny, yet I am so unfulfilled as my male self. At 62 transitioning is so far out there to me. I am so afraid that no one will accept me as a woman. So much has been fixed by testosterone over the 50 odd years since puberty has driven this male body. So many hard edges, so many features that cannot be overcome. I would be devastated to transition and yet not pass as the woman I want to be.
A thinning hairline, an angular jaw, an Adam’s apple, no cheek bones to speak of – these all vex me. I am not rich; surgeries are probably not in my future. So I will need to make this journey without those added benefits. And I worry about how I will be accepted – by my wife, my children, my peers. Yet, I am so longing for more. For the ability to wake up every day and be the woman I want to be – without having to spend hours on my makeup just to hope to “sort of” pass. Just being able to wake up to me – April, and all that I am and want to be.
I have been to the abyss and back – I almost died 4 years ago – yet I found myself too. I learned that I am beautiful and wonderful and that my life has meaning – I just have to grasp what that meaning is. And accept it – for what it is. Because only by accepting who I am will I be able to find true happiness. Sometimes I feel like a pretender – I know so many girls that have transitioned without all the drama I bring. They are brave individuals and I am in awe of them. They know who they are without hesitation. That to me is wonderful. I am still a muddled and confused woman. I wish with all my heart that I could just make a decision. But for now I can’t. I know where my future lies yet embracing it is terrifying to me. Very terrifying. And this is from a woman who goes out crossdressed without a care in the world. I am on the edge I guess, and I wish I could just come down on a side.
I know my journey is my own, yet, while we are all unique in our travels along this road, I believe we all have some things in common. Hopes, fears, dreams and worries; it is hard for us all – I hope I find my way as I hope you find yours too.
Hugs,
April
More Articles by April King
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April King
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Hi April, I know its been some time since you first posted this article, but I’m just catching up! Also, in reading your profile, I can see that we are in a similar space, adopting more open gender expression and moving towards transition. Becoming a member of this transgender discussion group is one way that I acknowledged myself a transgender person. Over the past several years, I have also made a very conscious effort to be out, be seen and engaged in many aspects of my day to day life as a woman. As a single semi-retired person,I have the… Read more »
Hi April,
Any time we leave the familiar and step into uncharted waters it can be terrifying. Taking a small step forward and becoming comfortable before taking the next step can help, but I certainly know the fears and doubts that accompany each step. I hope you find the friendships and support here that will allow you to reach the destination you desire most and can enjoy the journey.
Hugs and all my best!
Gina
I too have struggled with this April dear; I don’t have the physical attributes of a genetic woman. What I dis-covered was my own judgements on the labels. At this point of my journey, I do not use male and female any longer. Those are constructs I simply don’t fit into. I am a transgender person? There’s another construct in many ways. I stopped the insanity for myself by refusing to fit into Any another construct. I now choose to fit into my own personal creation by allowing the emergence of the character I am creating. I am no longer… Read more »
Thank you for sharing! I have many similarities with you.
hugs…
Thank you so much for this posting, April. I resonate with so much of it and its make me so grateful to know that my gender journey might be similar to those of others. I could just hug you! I’m not sure about how much detail to share but let me just say that my transition seems to be less about leaving my male self behind and crossing over to my female self and more about learning to be both my female and male selves as it meets my gender identity and expression needs. Of course, the pressures to not… Read more »
Thanks for the comment Jess. It’s nice to know my experiences resonate with others too.
Hugs,
April
Yes I can understand what you feel. I don’t know yet what I am going to do, I am lucky in a way, as my son and daughter in law are supportive no problems there but I have a lot of friends in a motorcycle club and I know they will not understand how I feel. It is a very macho world the MC world of bikers. So if I go and go full time as a woman I will lose my friends in the mc world for a start. I am 67, so old and that is another problem… Read more »
You didn’t “go on" hon. I worry so much about going full time. I love my family and I know it will affect them, but I so want to be “me". At 62 I also know I probably do not have that much time left, and I want to live it as my true self. My bravery is lacking yet I know eventually I will either be brave enough to move forward or I will die as I am, unhappy and unfulfilled. My path is clear; I just have to take it.
April. I started to tear up at the beginning of your post and was full out crying by the time I finished it. You described exactly how I’m feeling and where I’m at. Even though I can “pass” visually I am always in fear that it’s just an emulation of the woman I am inside, not real, just a fake…and the fear overwhelms me to the point of giving up. I keep feeling that somehow I’m going to regret any choice of direction I go— so I don’t go anywhere. I’m half way between Jef and Jen, and that’s where… Read more »
Yes
Hi April I hear what you’re saying. I understand your concerns about family. You might be surprised there. My wife has known about my alter ego for 45 years and has learned to accept it. My daughters both grew up with the knowledge that their father wore women’s clothes sometimes and that he wore women’s under wear all the time. But in the intervening years between their childhood and now, they’ve grown up. I have a son-in-law and two grandchildren who don’t know at the request of my daughter. That said; my granddaughter made a remark on Instagram while she… Read more »
I u understand where your coming from. I’m also in my 70’s a d have realized I was different from most males since early teens. I dressed in female attire off and on for 50 + years.
The desire to to be a woman wasn’t until early 60’s . I have taken some hormone shots but will probably not have surgery. I do go out in public much to my wife’s disgust.. I wear bra and panties 24/7 also women’s jeans, slacks and unisex tops.
Hi April, I fully understand your situation, I am 54 and married. I would not want to hurt my wife, who is vehemently anti-LGBT. And though she know I have struggled in the past with my desire to live openly as a woman, she says it better be in the past, that I better be in remission. I too have to suffer the years of testosterone on my body. I too am unable to pass. But like you I feel happiest when I am able to express myself as the woman I feel like inside. But I must admit that… Read more »
I fully understand Angela. I struggle with these feelings all the time. My wife is a little more accepting than yours, but she also wants nothing to do with April. I no longer feel shame or guilt though. I am just me. I don’t wan’t to pretend to be something I am not, but at the present, I am good living in both worlds. I don’t know what the future holds, but I will just take that as it comes.
April
I have the same feelings.
It is a conundrum