Finding Your Way

I am sitting here, having a nice glass of wine, contemplating my future. I am a torn individual. OK with my male life, yet wanting more. I just feel more alive when I am April, yet I am so self conscious of my appearance. I know I do not pass and while I am OK going out part time, the fact that I do not pass worries me. Because I am just fearful of going any further. I am afraid of taking the next steps to be April full time. Partially it is my fear of alienating my family. Partially it is my fear of losing the few things I do like about my male self. But mostly it is just the fear of the unknown.

What if I travel this road only to regret it? What do I do then? It is all so muddled in my mind. I do not know if this is my ultimate destiny, yet I am so unfulfilled as my male self. At 62 transitioning is so far out there to me. I am so afraid that no one will accept me as a woman. So much has been fixed by testosterone over the 50 odd years since puberty has driven this male body. So many hard edges, so many features that cannot be overcome. I would be devastated to transition and yet not pass as the woman I want to be.

A thinning hairline, an angular jaw, an Adam’s apple, no cheek bones to speak of – these all vex me. I am not rich; surgeries are probably not in my future. So I will need to make this journey without those added benefits. And I worry about how I will be accepted – by my wife, my children, my peers. Yet, I am so longing for more. For the ability to wake up every day and be the woman I want to be – without having to spend hours on my makeup just to hope to “sort of” pass. Just being able to wake up to me – April, and all that I am and want to be.

I have been to the abyss and back – I almost died 4 years ago – yet I found myself too. I learned that I am beautiful and wonderful and that my life has meaning – I just have to grasp what that meaning is. And accept it – for what it is. Because only by accepting who I am will I be able to find true happiness.  Sometimes I feel like a pretender – I know so many girls that have transitioned without all the drama I bring. They are brave individuals and I am in awe of them. They know who they are without hesitation. That to me is wonderful. I am still a muddled and confused woman. I wish with all my heart that I could just make a decision. But for now I can’t. I know where my future lies yet embracing it is terrifying to me. Very terrifying. And this is from a woman who goes out crossdressed without a care in the world. I am on the edge I guess, and I wish I could just come down on a side.

I know my journey is my own, yet, while we are all unique in our travels along this road, I believe we all have some things in common.  Hopes, fears, dreams and worries; it is hard for us all – I hope I find my way as I hope you find yours too.

Hugs,

April

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April King

I am finally exploring transitioning or at least being able to express my gender freely after years of thinking about it. I have been crossdressing since about the age of 7, and took a 30+ year hiatus from dressing while I was busy raising my family. I started dressing again a few years ago, and lately I have realized that I am TG, not simply someone who likes to crossdress. I finally like who I am, and though I am moving closer and closer to who I want to be, I'm not quite sure who that is yet. I recently started dressing almost every day, and it is interesting, but the more I explore my female self and the closer I get to moving ahead with transitioning the more relaxed my style gets. I'm still a bit of a perfectionist though, and love going “all out” when the time calls for it. I'm just finally at peace with who I am and can't wait to keep moving forward.

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Christine Johnson
Member
Christine Johnson (@johnson4321)
14 days ago

Yes I can understand what you feel. I don’t know yet what I am going to do, I am lucky in a way, as my son and daughter in law are supportive no problems there but I have a lot of friends in a motorcycle club and I know they will not understand how I feel. It is a very macho world the MC world of bikers. So if I go and go full time as a woman I will lose my friends in the mc world for a start. I am 67, so old and that is another problem… Read more »

Jen Fenn
Member
Jen Fenn (@jeffen)
3 months ago

April. I started to tear up at the beginning of your post and was full out crying by the time I finished it. You described exactly how I’m feeling and where I’m at. Even though I can “pass” visually I am always in fear that it’s just an emulation of the woman I am inside, not real, just a fake…and the fear overwhelms me to the point of giving up. I keep feeling that somehow I’m going to regret any choice of direction I go— so I don’t go anywhere. I’m half way between Jef and Jen, and that’s where… Read more »

Joann Smith
Member
Joann Smith (@joannlynnsmith)
4 months ago

Yes

Patricia Allen
Member
Patricia Allen (@patriciamarie)
9 months ago

Hi April I hear what you’re saying. I understand your concerns about family. You might be surprised there. My wife has known about my alter ego for 45 years and has learned to accept it. My daughters both grew up with the knowledge that their father wore women’s clothes sometimes and that he wore women’s under wear all the time. But in the intervening years between their childhood and now, they’ve grown up. I have a son-in-law and two grandchildren who don’t know at the request of my daughter. That said; my granddaughter made a remark on Instagram while she… Read more »

Dianne Baldwin
Member
7 months ago
Reply to  Patricia Allen

I u understand where your coming from. I’m also in my 70’s a d have realized I was different from most males since early teens. I dressed in female attire off and on for 50 + years.
The desire to to be a woman wasn’t until early 60’s . I have taken some hormone shots but will probably not have surgery. I do go out in public much to my wife’s disgust.. I wear bra and panties 24/7 also women’s jeans, slacks and unisex tops.

Angela Metz
Member
Angela Metz (@angelalynn)
10 months ago

Hi April, I fully understand your situation, I am 54 and married. I would not want to hurt my wife, who is vehemently anti-LGBT. And though she know I have struggled in the past with my desire to live openly as a woman, she says it better be in the past, that I better be in remission. I too have to suffer the years of testosterone on my body. I too am unable to pass. But like you I feel happiest when I am able to express myself as the woman I feel like inside. But I must admit that… Read more »

Therese McKnight
Member
Therese McKnight (@theresem)
10 months ago

I have the same feelings.

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