Reply To: ever doubted you were transgender?

[Melissa Mazurek]

I think it was only after years of therapy and actually going out into the community with other transgender women and men did I fully realize who I am.  I think when we are younger (I was 4), we have a feeling ‘something’ is not quite right.  It’s the way I felt, and I used to pray to God in elementary school to change me into who I felt like inside.  Back in the 80’s and 1990’s, there were a variety of MTF groups of crossdressers, not trans groups.  Triess, Powder Puffs of Orange County, etc. were mainly crossdressing groups.  They were all I had.  Alas, trans women were in the group, and some were out about it, which scared the hell out of the spouses who thought their husbands were just ‘crossdressers.’  I had one breakdown in 1990 when I came out, another in 1997, and another in 2012.  For me, it has never been about dressing, it has been about being.  I have met many wonderful people and have close friends in the trans community, but now I am beginning to believe I have no other choice but to finally transition to feel ‘whole’ and move on.  My greatest fear is losing the family I have worked so hard to build after growing up in a broken home.