I strongly think you need to seek a mental health professional right away. Call your local Woman’s Health Clinic, they usually have a transgender specialist on staff. What you are doing is slowly killing yourself in order to appease others. Because of of this you are taking half, if not quarter measures towards yourself. Using an incremental method, always to at least partially please your perceived “jury”, will ensure you never obtain the “self” & “happiness” you desire.
First: You need help of a professional psychologist that specializes transgender woman issues.
There is a concept called “medical necessity”, where one’s health is in danger without medical intervention. Your write-ups capture the essence of “medical necessity” quite clearly. Seek help and seek help soon.
Second: You are already describing “self-destructive” behaviors. What happens next? I was undoing my whole life in self-destructive behaviors, I was ruining my marriage, I was collapsing my finances, and I was dead inside. Maybe I was suicidal, but building towards it slowly. I could easily gone there.
I am out now. I have lost many long time friends that I guess weren’t really friends. My wife is still undecided on leaving me or not. A local contractor that was going to perform some work on my home changed their mind on availability. EYES WIDE OPEN GIRL!! We can’t make our local community tolerant, but we can stop being afraid. Let those that want to hate you, hate you. Let those that are willing to attempt to understand, take their time and learn. Let people that love you, love you!
Be smart, but don’t be not-out! Don’t go to Texas A&M, find a Cowboy Bar and do the Happy-Girl Dance! That is not smart.
Come all the way out to your neighbors, your primary care physician, your pharmacist, your postal office people, the people at UPS (all my girls clothes go to UPS).
Get help. Not just here, but from medical professionals. I have been all the way out for eight months now, and many people still don’t really believe it; It doesn’t matter… I believe it right down to my pink panties.
I HAVE HELP! THAT HELP HAS BEEN CRITICAL!! I WAS ON THE WAY TO BECOMING SUICIDAL!
Yes, my life is very different then it was eight months ago, but I am no longer dead inside, no longer suicidal, and I am happy to be me as I discover all that that me is.
I am Lukcia Patricia Sullivan