First, let me say I apologize for my rant and the way it comes off especially to people who do not know me. I am looking for a therapist I can afford and work with.
Ms. DeeAnn, yes please I would love to talk to ANYONE who is willing to talk to me who has been down this road, that is why I am here, and the closer they are to me the better honestly.
Ms. Lukcia, sweetie if you ever find me in an Aggy bar know that one of two things has happened 1. I have been kidnaped or 2. the world has ended. Hook ’em Horns 😉
Ms. Timmie thank you so much for reaching out.
I needed all of you I thank all of you.
This tread started out with the idea of I needed to get this all out of my head and journaling for someone with dysgraphia and dyslexia is bad because when we put pen to paper it ends up looking that the Zodiac wrote and even I can’t read it. But also I wanted to hear the hey you are not alone I have been there, as well as maybe if it is okay use this to layout my journey from icky Irishman to mouthy Irish Girl or dare I dream Goddess (sorry if it offends someone but I like Girl more than Woman it sounds better to me).
So the story continues last night was date night. We are both gamer girls that in fact is how we met was playing Star Wars: The Old Republic so our date nights are we pick something to eat and then spend the evening watching binge-watching a telly show (currently Under the Dome) or me subjecting her to bad bad movies like Hobo with a shotgun or Nude Nuns with Big Guns or Toxic High, oh and who could forget Zom-Beavers and cuddling. So anyway last night Tiffany wanted Firehouse Subs so we went placed our order and the kid behind the counter asked for a name for the order. I locked up I finally said the ick name after a very noticeable pause. We went home ate watched Under the Dome.
The whole time I am sitting there this thread is playing over and over in my head as well as the name thing in Firehouse. We ended up in the shower as we do and we’re talking and all of a sudden I broke I cried I screamed I hate myself she grabbed me held me until I calmed down, we talked a bit more about what happened she told me if I want to use her name for stuff like that I can so I don’t have to use my icky name she does not want me to hide to protect her, she wants me to be me and if I don’t want If bad things happen they happen and we will figure it out.
So I woke up this morning made my coffee checked my email and saw I had replied, and again it has taken me more than an hour to write this because I want to get it right and I don’t want to make Ms. Vos have to work more than I am sure I will since I use all the words and don’t think before I open my mouth or in this case type. So I am here the start of this thread and last night was rock bottom.
So as of 15, May 2021 Eric I thank you for being my shield for 40 years, but it is time I stood up on my own two legs. I know there will be some bad days coming, but you can not have good without bad. I will not retreat I will not surrender, no matter how scared I get. William Congreve said Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, well he never saw a pissed off Irish Girl. I may cry I may yell and scream but I will not go back to hiding behind you Eric, I am Halie Quinn here I come world ready or not because I damn sure am. I can not and will not go back to hiding if I do then I will never be able to make it.
Again thank you all for your support I am not going anywhere and I do hope you don’t mind my pity parties from time to time. I am a mess but I will get there, with help, and I am glad you are all here to lend that help.