I transitioned many years ago, back in the mid 70’s when there was no “transgender”….you were either a transvestite or a transsexual. All this new terminology leaves me often befuddled and bewildered since I feel so out of touch, but I’m learning, gradually, what it all means.
From a very young age I always envisioned myself as a wife and mother; I even went so far as to use pillows under my shirt so I could be pregnant just like my mother was at the time. This was obviously quite disturbing to my parents who were very concerned for their boy child who seemed to have no male identification. I spoke of having a husband and giving birth to children, not understanding in my young mind that it was an unlikely dream in that era. I was always attracted to males but only in the sense that females are attracted to the male. When I got older I still had not become familiar with the term “transsexual” and I was thus labeled “gay” by a society that couldn’t understand my behavior. I knew that didn’t fit; I had no desire to be with a man while being anatomically male myself. Never in my life have I experienced attraction to females…I adore the masculine that compliments my feminine. In the early gender programs the requirements didn’t allow for T girls to be attracted to women or to other T girls. The attitude at that time was that if you truly identified as female then you exhibited only those behaviors associated with heterosexual females….the programs didn’t allow for any broader definition of one sexuality or preferences. Indeed, I was initially denied surgery because I had loving yet platonic relationships with other T girls. Our abiding friendships evolved out of our mutual shared experiences of trying to survive in a dark time of misunderstanding and bias that often resulted in violence, physical harm and death. Yet this aspect was not considered and I was dropped from the first gender program and deemed an unsuitable candidate for surgery. Undeterred, I did find another program and eventually received my surgery that aligned my spirit and body.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>After all these years of living and working as a woman I’ve successfully managed to find my place as a woman within society and while my past is always a part of who I am, it remains where it belongs…..in the past. Relationships, however, are still very difficult as men still struggle with the idea of their woman having been born with a male body. After all these years I still face rejection and broken relationships because “I used to be…” I’ve been asked why I don’t date crossdressers (is that still a politically correct term?) Or other T girls instead and the answer is that I’m attracted to masculine men…always have been and always will be. Now in my late 60’s marriage sounds nice but its not a priority. I have a wonderful life, a beautiful home and a terrific job I love. I believe that for the majority of us our destiny will be the single life but I realized that early on and have come to terms with it. It’s not likely that I’ll know and experience the beauty and joy of making love with a man who cares as much for me as I would care for him but I understand that I’ve been so blessed throughout the various chapters in my life that I don’t feel deprived. I’m grateful and thankful for all of it and who I’ve become as a result and am happy to pass the torch to our next generation who will further pave the way for the men and women yet to come.</p>