Reply To: How/when to “come out”


Hi Stephanie,

Well you already have a new name, Stephanie, that is a good start.  I went to a psychologist prior to telling my wife.  First my primary care physician, who referred me to the psychologist.  I personally needed this to learn to effectively talk to myself about these  issues.  My wanting to be a girl all my life didn’t give me insights into coming out as an adult with a wife of 33 years.  Last October I came out to my wife, and girl! she was pissed.  She tried to talk me out of being something I very much already was.  She offered to let me dress up in the house.  She said a lot of things that had me reeling.  That is my wife, a person I put through law school twice, a person that didn’t have a job for the first 10 years of our marriage, but controlled all the money.  That all changed when I came out: I now have separate finances, separate bathrooms & bedrooms, separate meals most of the time.  Sad!

You need to be honest with yourself about what kind of wife you have.  Mine is so self-centered it is freaky; I needed to see a psychologist first.  You may have a loving and giving wife; I guess you will find out.  I would recommend that you come out to your primary care doctor first, and ask how to proceed.  Arrange for a face-to-face visit with the psychologist (post-pandemic), then if you are comfortable with it; come out to your wife, privately, in the evening with a few hours to burn, alone…no kids anywhere.  Allow for a slow careful discussion and prepare to cry (I cried a lot).  Maybe she will go with you to see the psychologist, but at least you can say you are seeking help, professional help.

My wife is leaving me, but if she didn’t I would leave her.  I wish for you a better outcome.  I am 30 years older then you and am comfortably retired.  You have many more issues that need evaluating.  I gained so much by coming out and starting HRT, but I also lost many things.  What can you lose, what can you not afford to lose, or not want to lose.   This is the individual aspect of transgenderism.

Woman have almost 100% been supportive (except my wife), while men have close to 100% frowned upon my decision to be a woman.  Men have such disdain for woman, literally why would any man ever want to give up being a man just to become a woman!  A broken down slob in worn out jeans and really bad hair still looks down on woman.  Sad!

Well, I probably haven’t helped you much.  I am much happier now, maybe that is important enough to you.

Good Luck


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