My partner also knows but we don’t talk about it much – I don’t talk about it much, as though to speak of it makes some change more real, or imminent. Not doing anything about it is like a mild superpower of mine that only sometimes falters. I was seeing a counsellor but the pandemic put that on hold – I do recommend talking to one.
If there’s anything I can say that could help it’s to not blame yourself – the causes of our gendered feelings often don’t have a known cause, and recently the WHO recognised that there is natural variation in gender identity, that the illness if there is one, lies in society’s response to us. Now if I could just take my own advice…