Hello, everyone. Haven’t checked posted anything in quite awhile. I haven’t been well, and I’ve been isolating from the world even more than I usually do. Still not sure if I should be here because so many of you have transitioned or are in the process of transitioning, and I’m nowhere near even attempting anything like that. I wish I had your strength, but I’ve finally realized that I will never have the courage to do it. So I’ve isolated myself even more over the past few months. The only place I come close to happiness is when I’m safe in my home and can be myself. Closing and locking the door of my apartment, isolating myself from society, makes me feel so good in so many ways I can’t describe. Just knowing that I will soon be dressed the way I want to brings me peace. But I’m broken, I know I’m broken mentally in ways that can’t be fixed. I’ve accepted that, and I think the reason I have is because I finally accepted that there’s nothing to care about anymore. I don’t matter, and I know that now. And that was the exclamation point. Realizing I don’t matter, that I’m not worth saving because I don’t matter. I just don’t care anymore because I’m not worth caring about. I don’t care about myself. Depression and suicidal thoughts are always going to be with me, I’ve accepted that. Just like I’ve accepted how I don’t matter because I’m not worth caring about.
I’m here because I’m hoping that others can learn something from what I’m posting. If you have the strength to be yourself, to be who you really are inside, be proud of yourself. It means more than you can imagine. If you have even one person in your life who supports your strength and loves you for who you really are, cherish that person. Please don’t take things like this for granted. They mean more than you’ll ever know. Unless you end up where I am right now, and I don’t want any of you to end up where I am right now. The thoughts and feelings I live with are things I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I hope you’re all doing well, and never stop being yourself.