I had the same dream each night starting around age 3 that I met a girl, and I wondered what it would be like to be a girl and she wondered what it would be like to be a boy; so we swapped. And, then (in the dream) an adult came in the room and took me to fix my hair. There I was with long curls, a dress, tights and Mary Janes. I couldn’t go back to being a boy (both wasn’t offered the chance, and didn’t want to).
I had that dream each night for years. Nightly, I prayed to God that I would wake up a girl, but obviously that didn’t physically happen. when I was 4 or 5 my babysitter asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I said I wanted to be a mommy. she told me that I was a boy, and I couldn’t grow up to be a mommy, I would be a “daddy”. That made me very unhappy. It was the first time I realized that I wasn’t going to grow up to be a woman, a mom, etc..
Then, when I was 5, my grandmother caught me (saw me wearing a dress). She told me I was going to Hell because I was a “pervert”, and then read from the Bible to me. That was heavy to carry around.
I was baptized as soon as my church would let me (when I turned 6). I prayed to God to save me from Hell, and make me not want to be a girl. Obviously, that didn’t happen. So, I have lived someone else’s life as best as I could. I have considered myself to be playing the cards I was dealt. Perhaps, playing them badly, but doing the best I can to try to make life work for me.
The results have been hit and miss.
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